It’s very common that you’ll find me lost in my own thoughts throughout the day. Some label me a daydreamer, others use the term cognitive, my father described me as observational, and the doctor called it autism spectrum disorder. Whatever, fuck that guy. He wouldn’t even look me in the eyes…Well, technically, I kept avoiding the eye contact, but that’s neither here nor there.
The point is, I’m a thinker. I’m always exploring what’s in my head. Some of the idea’s that sneak out are brilliant, like the time I bought a 26.2 sticker instead of actually running a marathon.
Others…well…others may miss the mark sometimes:
For my mental health, it's vital that I find ways to avoid sticking around in that mess of a brain for too long. It's either that or end up at the same fate as 9/10 of my Grandpa's siblings: all of which were either bipolar, schizophrenic, alcoholic, suicidal, and/or all the above. Buncha mental midgets if you ask me.
I mean, sure, they had way harder lives than me - growing up in foster homes from the day they turned 12 on - but not a single one of them had to live through TikTok. Schizophrenia….Try watching this guy and tell me how your mental feels:
Where was I even headed with this? Oh, right: As an escape, I listen to different podcasts throughout the day. Even with Joe Rogan as my dedicated bro-shaman, I know I have to find balance. I'm all for talking chimps and DMT to quantum physicists, but I also enjoy the professionalism of platforms such as NPR. My personal favourite (I spell it with a U because I'm classy) from the channel is How I Built This with Guy Raz. Each episode consists of an interview with one highly successful entrepreneur about their rise to glory.
It's inspiring to listen to the struggles and challenges they faced to get to the point they're at now. I see a lot of me in these people. Their challenges include raising capital, staying afloat long enough to make a profit, and sacrificing family time for the business. My challenges include convincing my parents that 26 is a perfectly reasonable age to still live in your childhood room and forecasting whether or not one more Hitler joke will push this article too far.
This week I started to listen to an episode while walking my sister's dog through the neighborhood. He stopped at a nearby mailbox to mark his territory like the alpha Maltese that he is. At that moment, fate endured:
My million-dollar business idea had finally hit me - Why are we using this incredible piece of technology strictly for dogs? Why not rebrand this product, repackage it, remarket it, and sell it for use on children?
With the 30mg of Adderall I had just ingested, and Guy Raz whispering sweet entrepreneurial love into my ears, my juices were flowing. If it weren’t for the addy dick, I would have been sporting a full-blown entrepreneurial boner.
Revolutionary product in mind, I knew I had to find a place to poll potential customers and get a feel for my target audience. I don’t have any kids myself, so I initially reached out to my sister to see if I could use my niece and nephew as test subjects. Unfortunately, I’m still banned from staying with the kids alone after attempting to crate-train them the last time I babysat.
For that reason, I went to plan B: Reddit. What better place to feel the pulse of our nation’s elite parent’s then a platform that serves as a one-stop-shop for both parenting advice and fairy porn?
Of course, this wasn’t the first time I looked to parent Reddit to help me out. Last time, I found myself caught up in quite the controversy for making the argument that parents should be bullying their children at homeschool during COVID.
Understandable; Bullying is a touchy subject in today's world, so that should have been expected. But this one was a sure shot. I was going to change the way people looked at parenting.
Before I brought my million dollar idea to parent Reddit, I knew I had to go undercover once more. I chose the identity of a mother named Teresa with two children. I made sure to select a profile picture to show that I was a "cool mom."
Next, I created a faux backstory to keep potential competitors from stealing my idea. With my method acting in full-blow go mode, I was ready to make my official statement:
I waited in excitement to see an outpour of support that was sure to come. What I was faced with, though, was nothing but negativity:
The first push pack: Why not an actual fence? No problem - All paradigm-shifting products receive some sort of push back. The diffusion of innovation theory states that only 2.5% of people are innovators and 13.5% are early adopters:
Not everyone will immediately see the vision. It was now my job to change the minds of the doubters, and what better way to get a message across than MONEY:
Going into this, I knew liberal cucks would have an issue with the harsh visual of placing an electric shock collar on a child. But problems like these are the exact reason why the advertising agency I worked for paid me the big bucks: $32,500. It was time to hit them with a little Bigley's twist:
Luckily for me, I had already seen this issue coming. I knew I would have to compare my product to one that the public loves and trusts - Fit Bit. I then, very intelligently, reiterated cost, because....
At this point, it's clear Molly doesn't understand the concept. The whole reason for the product is so you don't have to watch your kids, but I refuse to give up:
I hit her with the one-two punch consisting of a rebrand (Kid Power Bracelet) and guilt trip (my imaginary bastard child who brutally murdered my dogs). Then, out of nowhere, Molly's tag team partner (Pocket_L) hopped in:
Pocket_L was easy pickings, but it was now time to refocus on Molly:
Molly is going to be a hard one to crack. Somehow she manages to see right through my marketing mumbo jumbo bullshit. Unfortunately for her, she has no idea that I'm two moves away from a checkmate:
I played dead like a possum only to pull an Easter Jesus and rock Molly's fucking world:
Despite all the backlash, I'm confident my product will prosper. Listening to How I Built This has prepared me for challenges like these. For that reason, I refuse to back down. In under three years, I guarantee they'll be comparing me to the likes of Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Richard Peck. You can go ahead and take that to the fucking bank.
**Honorable Comment Mention that didn't fit the narrative of my story: Ness**
