1. Saying “Half/Quarter Past (Insert Time)”
Don't get me wrong; it's charming when grandparents use this phrase. When I was a kid, my grandpa used to drive me home after basketball practice. He would listen to fuzzy AM radio stations playing Frank Sinatra and say things like, "It's a quarter past 5." I didn't know what that meant, but I smiled and nodded because it was adorable. Then again, he also used to get all riled up when he saw the black kids drinking out of the same water fountain after practice…No I'm just kidding. He was cool.
When it comes down to it, unless you're 70 years old, there's no reason to use this psychopathic measure of time. We have digital clocks. There's absolutely no excuse to look at your phone, see that it's 8:48, and instead of repeating what you've seen, clammer, "It's a quarter before 9." Why not just say 8:48?
It's just such an inefficient way to communicate time to another human being. It drives me nuts. I didn't ask for directions to the time; just give me the time. Could you imagine if you bought something at the store, and they said, "that'll be a quarter over 20." And you said, "So I owe you $20.25?" And they said, "Well actually, $20.28." And then you said, "Oh, why didn't you just say that the first time?" And they say, "Because fuck you."
You're making this more difficult for the both of us. Now I have to do unnecessary math in my head to figure out what time it is, except quarter measurements aren't in sets of 25, they're in units of 15's. God forbid you're one of those absurdists who's willing to say, "it's three quarters past 8…."
Stop making me breakdown the time from right to left. I'm not here to figure out your riddles. Unless you're Yoda or my sweet dearest grandparent, I kindly ask you to stop, asshole.
2. Pretending As Though Sitting In A Hammock Is A Real Activity
I’ve quickly mentioned this in one of my previous articles, but it’s important that I go into more depth: Hammocking is nothing more than extreme couching. Brownie points shall not be rewarded for sitting on your ass, outside, in between two trees. You’re no different than Fat Freddy lying on his stained couch, enjoying his favorite sitcom.
“Oh, Bigleys, sounds like you’ve never read The Alchemist whilst laying in a hammock and embracing nature.”
It’s not chilling in a hammock that’s so bothersome; I get that, I’m cool. I drink Kombucha too. It’s that you post about it every time you do it. God forbid you go a full weekend without a coffee “bliss” post followed by the classic book/hammock/feet picture.
All from Twitter
You’re not one with nature because you managed to drive to your local park to sit outside. Go hike mountains with your dad the first 16 years of your life and let me know how "one with nature" you really are. Have you ever participated in high-intensity outdoor training as a vacation? Try holding onto a tree, squatting, and take a shit halfway up a mountain. Let me know how your experience was sharing a cabin with a guy who’s been on the Appalachian trail for the past two months and has only showered twice. One with nature…Fuck you. Go take more acid and tell me about how Ginger is a suppressed cure for cancer. Also - do you have any more acid?
3. Posting About Your DIY Tie-Dye Shirt
I wasn’t impressed when I first saw Britney do it. Still wasn’t impressed after Katie, Tiffany, Madison, Vanessa, Jessica, Stephanie, Caitlyn, Allison, Samantha, Mackenzie, Rachel, Heather, Megan, Amanda (actually her’s was cool), Hannah, Danielle, Brandi, Jenny, Melissa, Lauren, Taylor, and Amber all did it within two weeks of each other. Will one of you zag when everyone is zigging? Just once? There’s more to quarantine life than making shitty tie-dye shirts and baking sourdough bread.
4. Calling Yourself A Bad Ass
Man or woman - it's never ok to label yourself a "badass." I've noticed a growing trend from the women's side of things lately. Using terms like "badass mom," or "badass girl boss," "badass bitch," "I just killed this workout like a badass," so on and so forth. It's cringeworthy; More cringeworthy than that time I thought drunk texting a girl, "I have a new bed," was a surefire way to do the sex.
Not once in my life have I refilled my nephew's Buzz Lightyear sippy cup and thought, "I'm such a badass uncle."
Badass bitch…Who are you, Kid Rock?
5. Dog Parents
Listen, I agree real parent's can be some of the most obnoxious people on the internet.
Wait, wait, wait. Look at what the fuck Grammarly is telling me:
...Back to the topic - real parents
They'll bring up how hard it is to raise children as if three kids were dropped off at their house, completely unannounced. As if a stork flew by and left a few children at their doorstep.
Complaining would make sense for someone like the Virgin Mary and Joseph; They didn't sign up for that shit. I even understand the challenges of one kid. Maybe it was a mistake, and you swallowed the bullet to raise the child. Should have swallowed the load, but I get it; I'm just lucky that Plan B hasn't failed me and that I have sex once a year. But when you start having 2,3,4,5,6 kids? That's on you. You can't bitch about something you caused.
That being said, fuck people who call themselves "Dog Moms" or "Dog Dads." Having that in your Instagram bio is the equivalent to the stick family bumper sticker (That's not to say you don't also have a "Dog Mom" bumper sticker on your white VW Jetta).
Scraping up $500 to purchase a "fur baby" is not an accomplishment. Real parents can't leave their three and four year old in a crate for 8 hours while working at the office. I would know, I've never seen my sister so pissed at me when I showed up to babysit my niece and nephew and brought my own cages...
6. Using A Blinker As A Right Of Passage
I want to make this clear: Despite what appears to be a lot of pent up anger in this article, I’m not much of a road rage guy. Part of it is because I understand that people make mistakes. The other half of it has to do with the pocket pussy on wheels that I drive: a 2009 Honda Fit. No one’s ever been intimidated by a guy yelling up.
The thing is, we’ve all missed our exits before. But if you’re trying to cut over three lanes in under 200 feet, I’m not here to help. Move on. There will probably be another exit in 2 miles. Except in West Virginia….I missed my exit in West Virginia, and it added 30 more minutes to my trip back to Michigan because no one in their right mind would ever want to take an exit in West Virginia and risk staying any longer. For that reason, there’s only exits every 40 miles…You know what, add “driving through West Virginia” as number 6.5.
7. Crying On Tik Tok / Social Media
You’re the reason women get paid 81 cents on the dollar. Your tears help clean the glass ceiling. You are, quite literally, single-handedly, holding women back. Having emotions is completely normal, or at least I’m told. I thought all those years growing up, learning how to stay composed and not let my feelings get the best of me was a valuable skill. Apparently, it’s a mental condition.
Either way, stop recording yourself crying, you creepy fuck. Someone will see that and take advantage of your weak emotional makeup. You’re only setting yourself up for more daddy issues.
8. Worrying About What Other People Are Doing