Ends up, they're really not all that different - hookers and fleshlights. Both are good for one thing, and neither have much hope for the future. Just so happens that one's a lot easier to dispose of than the other.
-Mister Bigleys
A lot has changed in the world since I last wrote an article three months ago. Seeing as though it would be inappropriate for me to skip over my extended absence, though, I'd like to confirm that I have not committed suey, as a plethora of internet rumors have suggested.
Unfortunately for those hoping for my mortal demise, I was born a superior salesman. Every day I wake up knowing my mid-tier level marketing job and the things I'm about to do that day don't actually matter, and yet, here I am. Just think about that: I am myself, so I know myself knows my life's output has intrinsically and holistically zero value whatsoever, and even with that directly sourced knowledge, I still somehow sell myself on the notion of as if it does. A self okie-doke of sorts...A real-life Bugs Bunny clip, you could say...
The truth is, I’ve taken some time to sober up a bit. I figured life had so much more to offer by abstaining from the experimentation of foreign substances, but boy, was I wrong...
I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, what is it that you sober people do at night? Is this why you need a new TV series every three months? To help ignore that void of meaning you thought life once had? At one point during my sober crusade, I voluntarily watched the entire Idaho: The Movie tetralogy:
Don’t get me wrong: Drinking, smoking, and, specifically, popping Adderall certainly has its downfalls:
...but I'd still rather that than having to soberly look myself in the mirror after watching a documentary (with commercials) about toilets again.
Yeah, I watched it.
So I decided enough was enough. With my dick cocked back into sport mode, aerodynamic as ever, I’m proud to announce that, like 45, I’m BACK, BABY!
No, goddammit, Jim. Wrong graphic...
BOOM
During my time away from writing, I found myself following the many political stories that fill today's headlines. I can’t say that I've learned all that much, besides the fact that we're supposedly crate training Mexican children still - something I've long argued American parents should do with their own kids - but I was intrigued by what felt like the incredibly low bar of entry required for this so-called political play.
See, as an imposter with imposter syndrome, my unhinged confidence in not knowing what the fuck I'm doing makes me a perfect political candidate. I've long yearned for a high-profile profession that requires little cognizant ability or awareness of the world around me. That, combined with the things I've had to overcome in my life, including dyslexia...
Sorry, can't read that. I already told you, I'm retarded...
***DYSLEXIC****
I'm DYSLEXIC.** See! It almost got me again...
...The point I was getting to is that I've officially decided to announce my candidacy for the 2024 presidential election. To win your trust, I've laid out what it is that the American people should expect from me:
1…My Action Plan For COVID
Since the start of this pandemic, the US government and its agencies have consistently proven their incompetence with botched messaging, constant flip-flopping, and politicization of the novel virus. As a semi-capable adult, I've devised a 3-step action plan set to squash this shutdown once and for all.
First, I've long advocated for the revival of what formerly made this country strong: Bullying. Despite the backlash I received during that time, I never backed off my stance. In fact, I doubled down:
But it appears the tides have turned, and public opinion has now swayed in my favor. More and more, I've noticed an exciting trend in American journalism: Poking fun at the genetically inferior:
Still, it leaves me wondering: Why stop there? Why not take it further and solve some of America's most significant health issues?
I set a shining example just last month following my fat Aunt Laura's massive heart attack. The night of her hospitalization, I stood over her oversized deathbed and gleefully let her know, "You should have started running long ago if you ever expected to out-waddle death, you fat little piggy fuck.”
Second, I plan on implementing strict vaccine mandates countrywide. It blows my mind that this is still even an ongoing argument. The data is in, and the choice is clear: Vaccine mandates will disproportionally affect lower-income people. So, yes, of course I support the mandate. With fewer poor people hanging around, they'll essentially not even exist. Out of sight, out of mind, that's what I always say.
Finally, and most importantly, I'll see it so that we revamp the CIA's old drug slanging operations. This time, instead of cocaine, we'll have undercover agents sell fentanyl-laced Ivermectin in order to thin out the rest of the anti-vaxxing herd. This'll leave Spotify with no choice but to admit Joe Rogan is literally killing people.
2…Do I Consider Myself An Activist?
Activism? Sure, I can Activist™. So long as it starts and ends with using my (incoming buzzword) platform to bring attention to a situation. The second I have to get physically involved, I’m out.
Haiti hit with another earthquake? “Pray for Haiti” post coming. Couple of kids too slow to dodge a few bullets during 5th hour? “Thoughts to the family of the victims” in a feed near you. Shit, I’ll even go above and beyond to airmail pictures of air conditioning units to poverty-ridden Saharan African tribes if need be. According to the entrepreneur-inspo Instagram page I follow, they should be able to manifest that Polaroid into actual cold air.
Still not enough for you? Fine - How about you check out this unsolicited picture I took whilst helping pack groceries into this random black family's vehicle. It’s a double dinger, this one....By assisting a POC, a certain portion of my following will make their own connection, assuming that I’m working at a food drive.
Racist? Racist how? Didn't realize you were one of those people who can read a person’s subconscious. You know...The politically correct form of stereotyping...
Besides, if I were racist, then why did the White’s Coalition of Cosplaying Inclusivity (WCCI) send me one of these for my front yard?
Feel pretty dumb now, don’t you? Probably going to say my logo for next June is “gas lighting” too, or whatever new vocabulary you’re using nowadays…
3...Statues
Sometime during the past year or two, statues have managed to captivate the public's attention. Numerous confederate era statues have been dismantled all across America, understandably so. If we're being honest, walking by statues of men who fought to keep you enslaved probably isn’t the most inviting feeling if you’re black.
OH, don’t you worry about it, Jimbo, we’re still going to hand it to those libtard bitches. When voted in, I plan on shoving it right in their face by building more statues. Specifically, of former President Obama.
Jesus Christ, you didn’t even let me finish...I won’t be building these statues to commemorate the barrier-breaking, first-ever black president. Rather, I’ll build that statue to serve as a reminder for the many Middle-Eastern Americans of what we’ll do to their country for…well, you know…whatever it is that they did...
Whatever: the media will misconstrue it any way they can. Obviously, you’ll call them “children” or “civilians” if you’re trying to make our war efforts look bad, but as a patriot, I opt to use the term “pre-terrorists.” Same kind of people we bombed after that Kabul disaster: ISIS-K, which I'm fairly confident is short for ISIS-Kids. Fact checker?
4...Pardon Edward Snowden and Julian Assange...
...and then assassinate them on American soil, therefore, saving the American taxpayer on any high-price overseas, covert operations.
It's time this government gets something done. For too long, our leaders have acted as non-committal cowards, unwilling to take charge of a situation...
Leaders aren't made; they're born...into money. It allows us to make decisions without worrying about repercussions, and it's why I've ruled with an iron fist for almost as long as I can remember...
After Kyle forgot to pay me back the $5 I spotted him for lunch, back in 3rd grade, I made sure to add peanut oil to the cupcakes I brought in for my birthday later that month. Operation "Birthday Surprise," I coined the mission.
It was mere seconds following his first bite that Kyle's deadly peanut allergy started showing. He quickly realized something had gone awfully awry. He began to swell, throat closing, gasping for air, and, presumably, attempting to beg for his EpiPen.
I took a knee and placed my face close to his as if I were attempting to hear his desperate cries for help. I could feel a sense of relief come over him as he knew I'd assist him once more. But that feeling of his soon shifted after I stared him into his bulging red eyes and let him know, "This is the last time you'll stiff me."
I then stood up, turned around, and let my teacher know he told me he was choking. I can still remember the utter confusion on his near-dead face as his borderline lifeless body was rag-dolled in an attempt to dislodge the piece of food that didn't exist. He survived, but not before the ambulance broke two of his ribs during a round of CPR.
All that said, unlike these dopes in D.C., I'll actually get things done with one simple message as my mantra: Never get in my...
...way.
5…My Abortion Stance
Abortion: One of my favorite subjects. The conversations around abortion have long been fiery, but things have only progressed following the recent 6-week ruling in Texas.
I'll admit it: I was formerly a pro-life man. As a good God-fearing Christian, I was taught that every life matters, except the gay ones. But my stance on abortion has changed - not for the reason that this can be a deeply complex and nuanced issue - but rather, due to the ever-crumbling status of faith.
I long stood for my Christian beliefs for the social benefits they brought to me. But if you've been paying attention to your social media feed, it's become clear that political stances have transformed into the new religion. When I recognized this shift happening and found out I could trade in religion for yet another thinly veiled excuse for a fake sense of morality - politics - I was in.
Listen, I think it's pretty simple: We need to respect women's choice about what they to do with their bodies…that is, of course, if they make the right choice. Because, let's be honest, even when I was a pro-lifer, I never gave a fuck about these kids.
I only converted after I found myself in a potential political "mishap" following my impregnation of a sex worker (formerly known as hookers). When she broke the news that she was keeping the baby, it was clear to me that a man needed to step in to, once again, take the reins.
What does that mean exactly? Well, unfortunately, my legal counsel has encouraged me not to comment on the situation as there's an ongoing investigation into the unfortunate murder of that woman. Let's just say I've since directed my sexual urges towards pocket pussies. Ends up, they're really not all that different - hookers and fleshlights. Both are good for one thing, and neither have much hope for the future. Just so happens that one's a lot easier to dispose of than the other.
6...Turning Around The Economy
As many of you already recognize, we as Americans are dog shit at producing products that the rest of the world wants. What we have been successful at, though, is exporting our culture.
Part of that used to be through the form of entertainment, but even some of our greatest American actors (i.e. John Cena) have chosen to bend the knee to our future Daddy, Xi Jinping - Something that I, too, plan on shamelessly doing as soon as I’m in office.
Today, it seems that our preferred method of implementing 'Merican culture is with the use of drones, tanks, soldiers, and war. But since Biden so cowardly retreated from Afghanistan, our longest-standing economic driver and cultural building project has ended; And at a time when we were just about to figure it out. The Afghanistan resistance army we had been training for 20 years disseminated in 72 hours. Twenty more years, and they could have lasted nearly an entire week...
For two decades, nobody really cared about what we were doing in Afghanistan, but that all changed as soon as we left. The media started questioning if it was the right choice and what we could have done differently to solidify the Afghan army and ensure the Taliban never took back control.
Things only got worse after ten Marines were killed in a roadside bombing shortly after announcing our withdrawal. An absolute PR disaster ensued.
To me, the correct choice was clear: Had we stayed, we could have easily spaced those deaths out over a matter of months or, hopefully (and this isn't because I'm on Raytheon's board) years. A couple dead Marines here and there - That’s something the American people can process. But 10?! At once?!
And what about the women of Afghanistan? Their lives are about to go to hell, but I’m sure our “progressive” president doesn’t care about them, does he? Under my presidency, I would have ensured the safety of those women the only way I know how.
See - If there’s one thing that consistently solves a woman in crisis, it’s posting a picture of the book, The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*CK, on your Instagram story. Had we done the bare minimum and left a few copies of those behind instead of all that equipment, maybe things would be a little better for them.
I can promise the American people that we won’t commit those same mistakes under a Mister Bigleys presidency. I plan on invading more countries during my tenure, thereby reinvigorating the economy. As a result, job creation could be in the thousands, with new jobs opening as the death tolls rise and the wars advance.
Obviously, public perception towards war is currently at an all-time low. That’s why I plan on taking a college football approach by scheduling some weaker tier countries that we can blast to boost the boy’s confidence. From there, we can build up to tougher competition.
If the American people still don’t bite? Fine, perhaps we take the Adam Sandler approach. Similar to the actor, America is in the back half of its career. Let’s be honest, we’re not what we used to be, but that doesn’t mean we still can’t enjoy our twilight years. That's why, just how Sandler chooses his movies based on the tropical location, we can do the same with our wars.
...and I’m not saying we have to go back to the middle east. Why not somewhere that’ll get the boys excited? Somewhere like Fiji. I hear they have incredible water...AND WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
7…So, What Is It That I Actually Stand For?
What?? Let me make something clear: I, like any great politician, stand for nothing. I've made the conscious decision to take a more progressive approach with my morals and principles, viewing them both as being fluid; Subject to change at any given moment depending on what's most beneficial to me at that point in time.
For example, I've had a history of making a Holocaust joke or two in my past. My most recent incident was at the WWII museum in New Orleans a while back after politely suggesting how it may be beneficial to serve themed drinks…Again, I work in a mid-level marketing position, so I'm always looking for an edge against the competition...Naturally, I recommended smoked drinks...
As I'm sure you could imagine, I was a bit put off by the utter disdain with which my free professional advice was met. It appeared that I had, once again, misread the room.
Like many of my political colleagues, I, too, have a knack for being out of touch with reality. But being belligerent to the world around me doesn't mean I'm not capable of making worldly decisions based on very little information. It's really all just a balancing act.
Remember the Palestine-Israel conflict that flooded your social media feed for 72 hours? I haven't seen much about it in a while, so I'm going to make the safe assumption that it's been settled, but during that time period, saying the wrong thing could be social suicide. And with my Holocaust-humored past, I knew I was walking a tight rope.
The facts of the conflict were irrelevant. Like all of you, I, too, had absolutely zero insight into the complexities of this long-standing strife, but that didn't keep me from voicing my opinion anyhow. Using my politically savvy mind as well as the Twitter trending page to choose my stance, I saw that siding with Palestine was a sure-fire way of being labeled an antisemite.
Did it feel like the people of Gaza had a bit of a disadvantage against the Israeli military? Sure. But faced with the decision of being labeled a "racist bigot" or the opportunity to push myself back into the good graces of the Jews, siding with Israel was an absolute no-brainer.
Again - and I can't stress this enough - My morals and principles are as fluid as a pop star's sexual identity. They're both based on the same thing: What's going to benefit me most?
Still - and I don't want to come off as one of these tone-deaf politicians who don't know when to shut the fuck up - but still, I'm just saying there's a lost sense of nuance or even forgiveness in today's society. Beliefs about a certain situation are commonly complex, and opinions can evolve over time. I sometimes wonder, what happened to the days where I could vehemently stand against the Nazi regime, but still come to learn that they weren't totally unrelatable…
Anyhow, I should get off the mic before I find myself saying ignorant things. To close, I look forward to representing you as America's 47th president. It's important to me that I continue to uphold and represent the message that this office has conveyed for years: That the creme doesn't always rise to the top. In fact, it very rarely ever does.
*Queue The Music*