The Untold Story Of Jesus' Stepdad, Joseph
Updated: Jul 31, 2019
The Bible: The worlds all-time best selling book. Inside of it, stories full of lessons on how to live. It follows the life of Jesus and the miracles that he performed both before and after death. The book is so powerful that it's garnered a following of 2.2 billion people. And while the book made names like Mary, Jesus, Pontius Pilate, and so many more famous, there seems to be one that slips through the cracks. That name is Joseph, better known as the original stepfather.
Dig into the Bible and you’ll see that the last mention of Joseph’s name is when Jesus is 12 years old. So why is that? Was he just generally uninteresting? Or was he being silenced? Thanks to our incredible team at FaHoo, we managed to book Joseph for an unprecedented interview. Take this journey with us to hear about the life of Jesus from the perspective of Joseph.
Speaking with Joseph was a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I made sure to come prepared. At this point it was 2 AM, my acid trip was in full effect, and Joseph appeared to me in the form of my granite counter. To make sure I didn’t miss any of Joseph's story, I had him start from the very beginning. He said, “When Mary and I first got married it was incredible. I was making good money as a carpenter and she took care of the house. Then, out of fucking nowhere, this bitch tells me that she was pregnant. This, as you could imagine, came as a bit of a surprise to me, considering she was a virgin. When I confronted her, she claimed that it was the son of God and was placed inside of her by He, Himself.” Joseph’s granite face turns rosy red out of embarrassment. He continues, “I mean, fuck, what was I really going to do? It was 9 months B.C. Nobody got divorced during these times. So I gritted my teeth and decided that I was going to raise the child.”
At this point, I’m high as a fucking kite. I keep thinking the toaster is looking at me, but I manage to keep my concentration and push through the interview. I ask Joesph to continue. “So 9 months go along and we’re waiting on the birth of Jesus in some shit hole shed that Mary demanded we be in. At this point, Mary knows that I know that Carl from 2 doors down is the real father, but she insists on acting like God cucked me. Honestly, this bitch was so deep into her lies that she hired 3 guys to act as kings to give gifts to our newborn, baby Jesus. It was fucking nuts! But whatever, I really just want everyone to be happy.”
I, Mr Bigleys, now realized that I accidentally took 2 tabs. I thought it was one, but ends up the paper was folded in half. I’m pretty sure I am God. But I fight on and have granite counter, Joseph, fast forward to a pre-teen Jesus. Joseph continues, “So at this point, Jesus is about 10 or 11 and Mary has full-blown brainwashed the kid into thinking he’s literally the son of God. I mean, it’s fucking embarrassing. I try to bring the kid around on some job sites to learn the craft of carpentry and he’s telling my coworkers that I’m not even his real dad and that his mom is a virgin. But what does it matter to me anymore? My manhood is gone. I can barely even look myself in the mirror. Every day I have to hear my own son tell me that I’m not his dad and then go on a rant about how all I know how to build is houses while his real dad, God, created the fucking Earth. How do I argue with that? So I just let the kid believe what he wants.”
I’ve now laid down on top of granite counter Joseph because the acid has caused me to forget how to sit. But Bigleys is a professional, so we continue on. I ask Joseph to talk about Jesus’ adult year. He says, “So yeah, this cocksucker cuts me out of his biography that he calls ‘The Bible’ after he turns 12. Like I fucking died or something. He said it was because he wanted the book to focus more on his real father, God. I lose my shit at this point. Mary and I don’t even live in the same hut anymore. Then I have to watch this guy make a huge deal about him walking on water. What a bunch of bullshit. All it was, was a wooden box he had just under the water. A box he built with carpentry skills that I taught him… Imagine being me and watching all these people tell me about how great Jesus is and how he’s going to change the world. I felt like LeBron James' father, had LeBron James' father actually been there his ENTIRE life. So what did I do? I started a tiny, itty bitty rumor that Jesus was trying to overthrow Pontius Pilate. Ends up, word got back to the guy and…well... you know what happened.”
I asked if he felt any regret about what ultimately happened to Jesus. He responded, “I’ve thought about this a lot. I do regret spreading that rumor. It really wasn’t Jesus’ fault that he thought he was God’s son. It was Mary who really put that in his head. She couldn’t come to terms with the fact that she laid with Carl from 2 doors down. So do I feel bad? Sure. But let's not forget that Jesus was fucking a hooker...so...”