Wow - I finally made it to the cover letter! I started to question if I'd ever get to this point of the application. I'm not complaining, of course. I'm sure there's a completely logical explanation as to why I was required to type my entire work experience into your system despite already attaching a resume and linking my LinkedIn profile. Nonetheless, here we are.
As a person who's filled out his fair share of job applications, I recognize how a cover letter can separate serious inquiries from the lazy saps unwilling to put in the time to write a few measly paragraphs. These people are shortsighted, lacking the awareness that this is a reciprocal thing. I know the time I put into this cover letter won't go unnoticed. It's not like you would ghost me instead of sending a simple, generic denial email, right?
Before diving into my qualifications, I want to start out by saying that I did mark myself as being African American (see attachment regarding my transracial status), they/them, and a member of the LGBTQ+ community, per your pre-requisite questions.
Seeing as honesty is undoubtedly the key to a successful working relationship, I'm going to come out and say it: In reality, I'm a heterosexual, white male…but we can both ignore that if we so choose.
I'm no idiot; I understand that you're working to pump up those diversity numbers - I get it. I'm sure you yearn for the glory days, back when you could toss a resume the second you saw the name "Lakeisha Johnson." Unfortunately for you, we're past those times.
My generic white name was once a benefit, but in today's climate, it's now a mark against me. Life comes full circle, doesn't it? Thankfully, by marking myself African American, I've taken care of this rascally minor issue.
I mean, really though, who's fact-checking these surveys anyhow? If Elizabeth Warren can make it to a presidential debate without anyone questioning her Native American heritage, I'm sure I could pull of an extremely fair-skinned black male.
That being said, I didn't see any way of fabricating the LGBTQ part without putting in real work. I don't want you to question my dedication to this position for even a moment. Although my true sexual preference is, and always has been, towards traditional females, I WILL slob on a knob for the opportunity to work at this prestigious institution.
You look like you don't believe me. I figured this would be the case which is why just last night, I proactively took steps to visit the Eiffel Tower - and I'm not talking about the one in France.
Again, honesty is key, so I won't leave out any details: These two men had well fed hogs equipped below their waists. It's as if these two men derived from champion-bred horses. Have you ever seen one of those videos where someone drops a ball on a pendulum to show how the loss of kinetic energy won't allow it to make it back to their face?
Yeah...well, I'd like to see that experiment run with the baseball bats attached to these guys. I'm not so confident the laws of physics would apply then. In fact, I can confirm through experience...
It was a harsh welcoming to the LGBTQ+ world, to say the least, but I've always considered myself a gritty, "do whatever it takes" kind of person; Someone who's willing to put in the work to get to where I want to be. That same go-getter, multitasking attitude that led me into an oddly red-lit room with two abnormally large gay men is the same kind of attitude I'll bring into the workplace. And similar to my homoerotic experience, I won't stop until the job is done.
Now - I'm obviously aware that there may be some concerns accumulating about me, so let's acknowledge the elephant in the room and take this head-on: I fully understand my seven years of work experience is one less than you were seeking for this entry-level position. But I can assure you that my passion for this….
…
…
...one second…
…
…juuust a moment…I have to look up what you guys do again…
…
…
…
…ah, yes! My passion for stylized metal vent covers - which just so happens to be the exact product you guys sell - will far surpass my lack of experience.
I’ve long been fascinated by the metal grates covering my air vents. I can remember as far back as 10th grade when we first began learning about the Holocaust. My class took a field trip to a nearby museum that served as a reminder of the terrors that took place during WWII. While many of my classmates focused on the disgusting evils that plagued the Nazi people, my curious brain forced me to think outside the box.
As we entered the portion of the museum dedicated to the atrocities of Auschwitz, I politely raised my hand and asked: “Were the vent’s in the gas chambers more of an Old Victorian Cast Iron or, rather, a standard steel grate?”
**the silence that overcame the group was deafening**
By the look on the tour guide's face, it was clear that she was much less knowledgeable than she would have liked to admit. I can only assume her request to have me immediately removed from the field trip was out of embarrassment. It's really too bad because my unanswered follow up question is something that continues to bother me to this day:
Just more proof that the American education system chooses to systematically destroy the deep-rooted interests and curiosity of young minds, instead, focusing on tactics that will make us compliant workers, but I digress.
You still with me here? Anyhow, I’ve taken the time to answer some common bullshit probing questions that are asked in every interview. Please see below:
1…What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?
Wow...that's a good question....I’d probably have to say it was back in high school when I convinced my devoutly Christian girlfriend that God doesn’t classify anal as sex, therefore categorizing it as a sinless, God-loving action. Well, that or the time I convinced that same girlfriend the premarital sex we later participated in was more of a sin than the abortion I eventually persuaded her to get. Financially speaking, my quick thinking saved more than $200,000 over the lifetime of that child. I can assure you I'll bring that same fiscally responsible mindset to this position if chosen.
2…What separates you from other candidates?
My vast, dick-inverting consumption of Adderall. At the peak of my buzz, it would be easy for someone to make the assumption that I grew up aspiring to be the Michael Jordan of responding to emails. As another plus, I can't be written up for sexual harassment if my penis never makes it past an inch and a quarter during work hours. That's simply the law.
3…Tell me about a confrontation you were in and how you handled it.
The other day, while walking my dog, a kid rolled by on his scooter. Seeing as though my dog is a puppy, she still fears anything on wheels, causing her to bark. I reprimanded her until this little fat fuck decided to blurt "Shut up" to the only thing in my life that I attribute any value to.
I kept my cool, though. As the more mature person in this interaction, I steered away from telling him how he would die of diabetes and that I knew he lived in the trailer park behind my apartment complex and that, chances are, things will never get better for him. I didn't say any of those things because, as the mature one, I know where to pick and choose my battles.
4…Where do you see yourself in five years?
I can only pray not here. I mean, come on, Cheryl, you’ll probably be gone within my first year.
5…Salary Requirements
Unemployment during COVID was paying upwards of $50,000 via the government. As you'll quickly come to understand if hired, I have absolutely no idea how finances or the economy works. To be fair, I don’t think many of us do. What I do know, though, is a buzzword when I hear one. The term I’m specifically speaking about is “the market.” And as of right now, "the market" values the art of doing nothing at $50,000. Therefore, my request to be paid $275,000 can be seen as somewhat of a discount.
6…How many tennis balls can you fit in a limousine?
God fucking dammit - one of these questions…didn't realize you guys were so quirky. I should have known when it became clear your entire "culture" is based around a ping pong table in the office lunchroom.
So, what's my answer? I don't know…the same amount that would fit up your ass, Cheryl, and slightly less than could fit up mine after what Henry and Enrique did to it.
7…Why were you fired from your last job?
I tried pitching a human trafficking app to some clients shortly after Epstein’s death. There’s a vacuum in the market that needs to be filled, and I stand by that.
8…Why Should We Hire You?
I know many of my competitors will point to their qualifications and experience to answer this question. That’s all fine and dandy, but when push comes to shove, I’ve been a proven fighter since I was nothing more than a twinkle in my father’s eye…quite literally; I survived my father’s vasectomy. That level of work ethic is ingrained inside of me, and something I'll bring to the office day in and day out.
I’m excited to hear back from you soon! I’m looking forward to setting up a time to speak in person so I can look deep into your eyes and tell heavily fabricated, COVID-infested lies directly to your face. Whatever you do, make sure to keep that low-ball salary offer to yourself until at least the second interview. That way, I'll keep coming back.
P.S. The more interviews we have, the better. I prefer using the vacation time for my current job to attend 2, 3, even 4 interviews. Also - If you could call me on the day of the interview to reschedule, that would be ideal. In order to save some PTO, I already used the excuse that I had to attend my grandma’s funeral that day. Should be easy to explain to my current employer that the wake got rescheduled and that we tossed grams back into the fridge until then.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon!
Mister Bigleys