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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

My Controversial "Scared Straight" Dog Training Program And The Lessons I Learned Along The Way

When I sit down and start the ideation process for a new FaHoo article, I try to make sure there’s a purpose behind it. This is more than jokes and quips to me. Each and every punchline has a deeper meaning behind it. Well, besides the Hitler jokes. I just can’t stop making those...

It's been about a month since I wrote my last article. Typically, I like to drop one per week so that my 36 Twitter followers don't begin to worry about me, although, with how things went after my "Suicidish" note, I'm starting to think people on the internet aren't my real friends…

I spent that 3-week-hiatus relaxing in Florida, celebrating the holidays with my family. During that time, I was able to take a step back and really think about things. One specific concept I kept pondering was how an environment can shift our entire mindset. I mean, shit, in a matter of three weeks, I went from a religious free agent to a devout, overbearing Christian.

Before this trip, I would have considered myself an ally to the homosexuals. Didn't matter to me who you were fucking as long as you were a decent person. But after leaving Michigan, heading south, and eating Chick-Fil-A for a month straight at any opportunity, I've started to lean in the other direction.

Chick-Fil-A's food and service is a religion in and of itself. There's no chance they can be so spot on with their chicken and so wrong about the gays, right?

"Chick filet" WHAT A ROOKIE

This sudden shift in my own belief system got me thinking: As American's, we live in the most diverse country in the world. At some point, we'll come in contact with a variety of communities, all of which have their own way of going about life. But even with our exposure to other cultures, many of us still have trouble understanding why it is that other people would approach life differently than ourselves.

For example: When I passed a "Stop The Steal" Trump rally in Florida, I thought to myself, "How do you get to this point in your life?"

Nearby my parents house

Whether or not I understand what they're doing, the simple truth is that no matter how different our lifestyles are, human beings are nothing more than a few, minuscule degrees of difference away from each other; The butterfly effect, if you will.

School shooters? I'll be the first to admit I'm habitually one bad week away from lighting up a 1st-grade classroom.

Homeless drug addict? Take away the silver spoon in my mouth and the Adderall script, and you'd find me writing clever panhandling signs with meth head Seth. The only difference between the homeless guy with no teeth and me is dental insurance.

How about one of them homoerotic sinners? Shit... I'm a rational brain away from being gay myself. As a heterosexual male, I'm a hard 4.5, but gay, I'm humbly a 6/10—every key analytical indicator points towards taking pipe on the reg. Yet, for whatever reason, those small differences I experienced in my own life created who I am.

What if this wasn't the case, though? What if, along the way, some minor discrepancy produced an extreme variation of my life? What would have become of me?

Growing up, I was always surrounded by affluent and successful people. While most of my friends followed in their parents footsteps, keening in their focus to pursue successful business careers, I've found myself veering off the highway, enjoying the comedy that exists in every day life and using it for this site; A choice, if I do say so myself, that's paying off dividends.

But what if I were to refocus that same devout sense of workmanship to my entrepreneurial spirit? I have zero doubt that I, too, would be a business-savvy go-getter. With that in mind, I decided to take one more stab at pursuing a business dream of mine.

During the lifespan of this website, I've taken my chances at some "risky" entrepreneurial dreams, all of which have failed miserably:

Clearly Molly doesn't understand the branding of "Kid Power Bracelets"

Despite my past failures, I've remained undeterred. My next idea was already in the works: Creating a dog training program that mirrors the A&E series, "Scared Straight."

The wheels were turning. With pure passion (fueled by amphetamines) pumping through my veins, I put together my next business plan. A few hours and an overpriced website later, I had myself a new business: The Dog Sanctuary.

With the website now up and running it was time to share my vision with the world….of Reddit:

My plan was in full swing. All I had to do now was wait for the customer:

Right off the back, I was hit with a devastating question. I promptly panicked, but eventually managed to regain my composure.

"Just lie," I thought.

What was she going to do? Follow up?

Fuck...When I started this journey, nobody told me that I would have to work customer service, too. For God sakes, I'm the fucking owner.

I was essentially left with two choices:

(1) Admit I lied.

(2) Turn that single fib into an elaborate, Charlotte's Web of lies...

Perfect - Exactly what I needed: LibraryCat77 to butt-in. Had I known the internet was going to be filled exclusively with women who wear wrist guards to fight off their carpal tunnel syndrome during the dry hand jobs they pass out on 3rd dates, I would have opted to write an article explaining why we need to abolish GTA V's police department instead.

With every passing second, it became more and more apparent that I had to make a change. If I were to break into the dog training industry with such a controversial methodology, I would have to be willing to fight for my respect. Disappointed but not discouraged, I trekked on to new subreddits.

You get what you pay for.

Knock Knock

Who's there?


Another who?

Another cunty response on Reddit.

I didn't sign up to be criticized by a bunch of hypocrites. I wasn't about to watch the internet tear apart my dream without any repercussions. It was time for me to go on the offensive:

Despite finally gaining some support from Demon Diddler, I started to have second thoughts on if this business would ever make it mainstream. Ideas that are ahead of their time are very often to fail, only to resurge years later.

Then again, maybe I was onto something; Maybe I was just looking in the wrong places. Canine subreddits are an echo chamber of "treats, positive support, good boys, blah, blah, blah." These people act on their emotions. But if I wanted to create an actual viable business, I had to look towards more rational, capitalistic thinkers. To bring this to the market, I needed the help of Business Reddit.

I make sure to mention Everett Rogers' Diffusion of Innovation to fit in.

What were the fucking chances...The first answer I get back is from an emotional competitor. I felt like I was Netflix getting lectured by Blockbuster on how to operate a successful business. Still, I made sure to keep an open mind and read on...

Although NoStep has some legitimate points, things begin to take a dark turn. I want dogs to succeed, but not by threatening to put them down. I give him a chance to make a correction...

Euthanasia over crates; Remember that...but I did feel as though we were starting to find some common ground.

Finally, I was making progress. But good times never last.

Remember when I told you to keep in mind how No Step never made a correction regarding his euthanasia claim? This is why.

See, I'm a trash human being. With this is as my reality - a reality that will most likely remain consistent the rest of my life - I've found it beneficial to always surround myself with at least one shittier person than myself. This way, when my own lifestyle looks like ass, I'm still able to point towards an ass with herpes - No Step is my ass with herpes.

To my surprise, word made it to No Step that I was talking about him behind his back. I had a strong feeling someone with loose lips was blabbering...well, that or the fact that this was on the same subreddit.

You can tell No Step is beginning to second guess himself and his "expertise." In a panic, he starts to make false accusations about my fake business practices. This, I will not stand for...

At this point, this was nothing more than a chess match I was sure to win. Check - he moves king - check - he moves pawn - check.....

Checkmate...? It was sloppy, but I got it done. Proper grammar and decent sentence structure are overrated. Also, to my defense, I was already a few drinks deep and high out of my mind. What can I say; I like to do drugs occasionally, all the time. I can stop whenever I want; I have self-control...I just simply choose not to partake in the act. It's not a substance abuse problem unless you admit it, but I digress.

Yeah, Zazenp, let me go call up my local psychologist or animal behaviorist real quick

...and then it happened. I worked so hard to dig myself out of a hole and change my image, but one simple misstep threatened to take everything away. It felt as though no matter what I did, my hypothetical past would always be there to haunt me:

The post Zazenp referred to

It was time to own up...

Like the high school whore who leaves her hometown in hopes of escaping her reputation, I knew it was time for me to move on.

Similar to the runaway town whore's husband, muieen appeared to be completely ignorant of my past sins. He didn't see me for what I had done; he saw me for what I could do. For the first time, I felt understood.

Maybe he was right, this isn't a rehab center. Maybe I should fire the drug addict...

Maybe the before and afters were a tad tasteless...

Maybe Michael Vick fighting two dogs wasn't the best profile picture...

Anyhow, you still reading this? Lol what the fuck, why?

Alright...well, I guess I have to wrap this up in some sort of meaningful way. I did say at the start of this that there's a purpose to everything, so here it is:

After being berated over yet another business idea, maybe it's time to admit that entrepreneurship isn't my calling. Maybe my purpose is keeping these people on the right track. It's not dissimilar to the argument behind keeping music and sports programs in schools. Kids need distractions to stay out of trouble, but that doesn't all of a sudden change when you push that tassel from right to left. People need distractions no matter their age. Why do you think people have kids?

That being said, childbirths have been plummeting during the past century, leaving things like social media and the internet to fill the vacuum of time that children once occupied. So, perhaps this is my calling. Perhaps God put me on this earth to act as some sort of human protractor, keeping these people from slipping a few degrees in the wrong direction.

I mean, can you imagine what these people would be doing if they weren't arguing over a dog training program who employs the likes of Michael Vick, Courtney Love, Jesse James, a generic hipster, a hot girl who's dog didn't make it in the picture, and a fucking drug addict?

Without me, these people would be mindlessly wandering around with the rest of us in the real world. Who do you think this online population consists of? Certainly not emotionally stable people, that's who.

A lack of kids means a lack of jobs for kiddie touchers; Shutdown schools leaves no place for school shooters, and lockdowns certainly don't make cunts any less cuntier.

We all have a purpose, and mine is to amuse these people long enough for Timmy to safely walk home from the bus stop via arguing with strangers on the internet. God put me here as a human protractor, and I'm doing the best I can to keep these people distracted. Now - if I could only use my protracting skills to straighten out those damn queers...

P.S. Please rate The Dog Sanctuary on Yelp. A 5 Star Yelp review can make or break a hypothetical company nowadays!

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