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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

4 Point Plan To Profit From Your Victimhood

In today's social media-driven world, it's important to realize that each and every one of us has our very own "brand" to uphold and maintain. As a society, we'll collectively spend endless amounts of hours building these brand's through various filters, candid photo sessions, and pleasing aesthetics. Unfortunately, because many of us don't have the resources to hire a third party, we, ourselves, must also play the role of PR manager.

As a social media veteran, I've acquired years of experience, seeing all that it has to offer. After thinking deeply about the different strategies one can take to maintain their image following a detrimental incident, I've concluded that victimhood is, more often than not, the best way out. To pull this off, though, you must remember that no matter what kind of destructive decisions you've made, you are always the victim.

For example, before moving into my most recent apartment, I was met with some restrictions on what kind of pets I could own. As many of us know, a majority of apartment complexes have banned "aggressive" breeds of dogs. Being that I own one of these "aggressive" breeds, I found myself in a predicament.

Ultimately, I chose to approach my victimhood in a unique way: By naming her Anne Frank and moving her in under the veil of night. There, she would hide for the duration of our 13-month lease. Did I know the risks of moving in with an illegal dog beforehand? Sure. But that wasn't about to hold me back from living my life. I chose the route of preemptive victimhood; Chess vs. checkers, if you will…I knew that the potential news headline would scare any apartment complex from taking action against me if Anne were to be found.

To help my readers deepen their understanding of this vital tool that is victimhood, I've put together a quick guide/case study of sorts. Use it, and you're guaranteed to make it past any slander you more than likely deserve. Enjoy…

1…Shamelessly Post To Social Media; Act As Though Your Actions Have No Consequences

With the Gorilla Glue Girl story sweeping the nation, I think it's important we start with her:

After the Gorilla Glue Girl, A.K.A. Tessica Brown, ran out of her preferred hair product, Got2 Be Glued Freeze spray, she decided to take measures into her own hands. As a 40-year-old adult woman, Tessica had experience, knowledge, and wisdom on her side. She wasn't about to let - what could have been - a 10-minute drive to a nearby store waste her day. Instead, she headed to the garage to find every suburban dad's favorite quick-fix: Gorilla Glue.

Unfortunately for Tessica, the age-old dad adage that Duct tape and Gorilla Glue can fix virtually any problem proved to be patently false. Following a month of failed washing attempts, Tessica's rock-hard hair refused to budge. It was only then that she began to realize that, perhaps, putting industrial strength glue in her hair wasn't the best idea.

At this point, many futile souls in a similar situation would keep it low-key in fear of being labeled - how some may put it - a 40-year-old woman who put Gorilla Glue in their hair. But Tessica had a better idea. Tessica took to TikTok to show what she had done:

2….Act Confused When Your Reach For Attention Is Met With Attention and/or Backlash

It didn't take long after posting her video for it to go viral. Overnight, Tessica started to garner the attention she had been purposefully avoiding for her entire life. Yet, many predatory internet users still saw her moment of distress as an opportunistic time to make Tessica the butt of numerous jokes. Some even made baseless claims that it was all for attention, something I wholeheartedly disagree with. As a man who runs a website that so desperately seeks the spotlight with headlines like these...

…I know when someone is acting out for recognition. My rule is simple: Eyes are the windows to one's soul. Look at those, and you'll find a person's true intent. Knowing that, you can't tell me these eyes are those of a woman who seeks to be the center of attention:

She tried to explain herself, claiming that she didn’t post to social media as a means to garner views…

…and I agree; What other choice did she have? Tessica had made a mistake and entrusted the app that any of us would turn to for emergency medical advice: TikTok.

3…Parlay Your Victimhood

As a victim, you must recognize the fact that you'll now be a victim forever. Following the initial incident that made you a victim, it's vital to diversify your portfolio, expanding into a multitude of victimhood's.

Would you put all your money into one stock? Of course not. Then why would you settle for a singular source of victimhood?

Buzzwords are key.


With so much unwanted attention bearing down on Tessica, she only had one choice:

Fuck no; What are you, a moron? The answer is profit:

Blue checkmark
This guy's a modern day Nostradamus.

And that's it...Rinse, wash, repeat. It’s really that simple...

Are you're a model?

1…Shamelessly Post To Social Media; Act As Though Your Actions Have No Consequences

2….Act Confused When Your Reach For Attention Is Met With Attention and/or Backlash

To your shock and dismay, our toxic society now views you as a piece of meat...

3…Parlay Your Victimhood

You didn't create this situation, they did:

Yet another beautiful female being objectified by the male dominated patriarchal media...

....woh, woh; Ignore those. I'm not sure how that made it in here.


Fair enough...

1…Act As Though Your Actions Have No Consequences

JUST KIDDING...I'M JUST KIDDING! IT'S A JOKE! I'm not that fucked up...Besides, it would be racist of me not to make this joke during Black History Month...

1…Shamelessly Post To Social Media; Act As Though Your Actions Have No Consequences it happening to me? You can't do this to me! I made you!

2….Act Confused When Your Reach For Attention Is Met With Attention and/or Backlash


3…Parlay Your Victimhood

Well I never did that...


...I'm still working on number four

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