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  • Mr Bigleys

Rumor Alert: Original Cast Of “Whistleblowers” Envious Of New Member’s Early Stardom



Season 4 of the reality T.V. series, Whistleblowers, is set to premiere next month, and one thing is clear: There's no shortage of DRAMA between cast members. The wildly successful show has been on a lengthy hiatus after the original cast found themselves in some unfavorable situations.


Season 1 star, Chelsea Manning (formerly Bradley Manning), now resides in prison after refusing to snitch on her fellow cast member's website, Wikileaks. That site's creator, Julian Assange, has also found himself in jail after spending seven years inside a building considered to be Ecuador, in London. As for season 3 superstar Edward Snowden; he continues to enjoy his freedom from his Russian hotel room.


Despite the former cast's misfortunes, two new cast members are set to make their debut in season 4. They've garnered national attention after releasing a phone call between President Trump and Ukranian President, Volodymyr Zelensky. Rumor has it; the original cast is Grade-A jelly.


As the owner of FaHooNews.com, I've managed to gain some powerful friends over the year(s). One of those friends was able to put me in contact with a close acquaintance of Mr. Snowden's. After speaking over the phone, we came to an agreement that I could interview Mr. Snowden, but only through text messages. To keep Snowden's location untraceable, I was required to encrypt my cell phone. Honestly, I wasn't exactly sure how to go about that, so I just reset my App Store password and figured we'd be okay.


The interview with Mr. Snowden was conducted on Monday, October 7th, 2019. I wasted no time to address his rumored resentment towards the newest cast members. He responded, "Stop calling them cast members. This isn't some sort of T.V. show, this is real life. How'd you even get this interview with me? I read some of your articles and they're complete trash."


"Who is this guy," I thought to myself, "a fucking Reddit commenter?" I chose to ignore his initial barrage and hit him with the silent game. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book. I knew a snitch like Edward couldn't keep his mouth shut.


He continued, "Listen, I truly believe that we should protect whistleblowers, especially those who are brave enough to stand up to our government. But these new guys…they haven't even put in the work. Back in my day, a whistleblower would be forced to flee the country for releasing government secrets. Meanwhile, these rookies are being praised as heroes. They released a single, measly fucking phone call. I released information about how the government was tracking MILLIONS of domestic phone calls. I'm the one who let you know the NSA collected over 200 MILLION text messages. I EXPOSED A REAL LIFE BIG BROTHER! But nobody cares about that, do they? I swear to God I…."


I turned my phone on silent and put it down to take a nap. I mean, Jesus Christ...I was just trying to write a quick throwaway article, and here Edward is explaining his situation like it's not already on the internet.


When I finally took a peak at my phone, Snowden was still ranting on about how Chelsea Manning exposed all these terrible acts by the U.S. government and on, and on, and on, and on. After working all day, the last thing I wanted to hear was how American's are murdering innocent civilians over-seas. I mean, if it's really so bad why don't they just move here?


Anyhow, to lighten the mood a bit I decided to text back; "Too long. Didn't read." Personally, I thought it was funny. Edward, on the other hand, did not. The rest of the interview quickly turned sour...



When Thing's Turned Sour

When The Interview Ended

The Screen Shot That Ended It All


When the interview came to a close, I couldn't help but notice an empty feeling inside; A feeling not so different than how you'll feel after reading an entire FaHoo article. I felt bad for these people. They were willing to take on the U.S. Government alone while facing lengthy jail sentences. All of this for something nobody really gives a fuck about.


Sure, the government is aware of my alarming midget porn addiction. And of course, my Google search history gives them the power to frame me for nearly any crime imaginable. But is that going to stop me from asking my Amazon Alexa to set a reminder to pick up more PCP from my drug dealer before the weekend? Absolutely not.


So for any future snitches thinking about going legit, I have one tip: Keep it simple and keep it mainstream (Is that 2 tips?). The American people are a simple people. They don't want to hear how we're systematically destroying countries with an Xbox controller. Nobody's taking the time to read about the 12 different, incredibly complex topics within a 10,000 page leak. Just throw us something we can understand in 30 seconds or less; Something that will undoubtedly, maybe, but probably not, impeach Trump. At least then we can read some fire clap backs on Twitter. If Chrissy Teigen ain't commenting on it, then it's not newsworthy, kid.