• Mr Bigleys

How I Solved Racism - By A White Guy



It's been just over a week since 4 Minnesotan (did I spell that right?) police officer's partook in the blatant murder of George Floyd. Since then, protests have filled city streets worldwide, demanding justice for the wrongful killing, and pressing for governmental/police reform.

As I've sat and watched all that's going on, I asked myself a question - How do I, a white guy, take this situation over, and make it completely about me, all while singlehandedly solving racism? Sure, I've never exactly experienced the struggles of African American's, but there was that one time I got pulled over at Michigan State with three of my African American buddies.


Sidenote: If you don't think I bring up the fact that I have three black friends before I say ignorant things about black people, you're sadly mistaken.


The whole thing was weird. The cop would only talk through the back driver side window that I was sitting at. He would then randomly speak directly to me as if I were the one driving. It also didn't help that I had slept in my contacts the night before and was intensely rubbing my left eye.


When he saw it was red, he asked if I was ok. I yelled, "Sir, I don't know these black males!" Chaos broke loose and my black friends were put in handcuffs. As one of them passed me on the way to the police car, he looked over and said, "I thought we were friends." I chuckled as I slowly flashed my KKK gold membership card.


Just kidding...but even as a guy who's had his car searched three times, the whole vibe of it was different. When I got the K-9 unit called on me, I probably could have petted the good boy had I really wanted to. Cops mess with me because I look like a drug addict, which is not to be compared to simply being black. In the end, we got off clean, something that I, a white guy, will continue to take full credit for.


Really speaking - It's pretty clear cut that African American's as a whole will almost always be born with the cards stacked against them. I say almost always because people like Diddy's kids have a considerable advantage over normal people even if they still have to deal with certain race related issues. Also, if I don't mention that, the poor whites will come after me.

By the numbers, the average African American will be born to a lower socio-economic class, have less opportunity, worse healthcare, higher imprisonment rates, a soured relationship with law enforcement, and the list goes on. If you're born white, you're going to have an inherent advantage in life. Not athletically, but generally speaking.

That being said, I want to make it crystal clear that I, for one, was not born with any such privilege. Sure, I'm writing this from my parent's beach town, Florida condo as I work from home, but the question, "Was I born into this?" is different than "Did I earn this?"


Yes, it's true, I was born into this life, but my father had a vasectomy before my mom got pregnant. The cards were stacked against me from the beginning. Sperm me had to claw and slither his way to life. So for me - I've earned my white privilege. As for the rest of you, try to show a little humility and realize you were born with a substantial advantage.


Sidenote: I think we should rebrand the term "white privilege" to "white juice." Sounds cooler - it will be easier to sell to the Caucasians. More white people will buy into the concept if they're told they were born with "that white juice"...

...No?....Bad idea?...Alright, scratch that. Let's forget I brought it up. Moving on...

So how should I go about this very complicated issue? I could post something to IG about equality, but that feels a little disingenuous knowing I'll be chilling on a beach later, bitching about how the weather isn't to my liking. I thought about joining in on the incredibly brave, powerful, and not at all cheesy NBA 2K march, but I had already sworn away my relationship with the game.


Should I look to the stars?

Food For Thought

Or maybe take a more subtle approach, like David Guetta?

(To be fair he raised $700,000 for COVID relief and English is his second language. I'm sure his intentions were pure, so I wanted to miss harder than he did with this article to help take some of the heat)


I was getting nowhere quick, so I reached out to my executive board of whites: two of my friends. My CRO responded with a very intriguing proposal:


A rebuild... It's what NBA teams are doing across the league. Perhaps tanking, cutting the fat off the roster, and rebuilding through births was the quickest and most effective way to climb back to a competent and competitive level.

Unfortunately, it appears as though COVID didn't lipo that extra fat like we had initially hoped for. I was also unsure if I would survive the backlash from the whites if I announced cuts. They're already heated from when I was ragging on cruise and puzzle people.


To keep my position as the imaginary general manager of the white's, I knew that, like Trump - who continues to ever so elegantly Tweet and speak his feelings on all of this - I, too, had to take a more nuanced approach.

I ran back to the drawing board. How could I responsibly take some power from the whites and place it in the hands of African Americans? That's when it clicked: Why not take the whitest thing in the world - Tik Tok - edit the videos, and leverage them as a means to educate white people on the injustices and hardships that African Americans face in 15-second segments?

I had to put myself in the shoes of a racist. If a video were to appear on one of their timelines, describing what's going on from an African American's POV, they would immediately quit out. So how do we get them to stay?


Well, simple. As my readers know, I hold a tremendous amount of hate towards Tik Tok. I'm fairly confident it's cutting years off of my life. Yet, no matter how much I despise every last video on that app, I can't stop watching. I get stuck in a never-ending cycle of discomfort. Eventually, I realize I'm getting mad at 15-year-olds, forcing me to recalibrate my perspective.


Now - Not to compare African American human rights issues to 15-year-old kids making Tik Toks, but if I could harness that same energy I feel, then maybe - just maybe I could show a racist or uneducated person that they're focusing their anger in all the wrong places, or, at the very least, educate the youth. Let us learn, together, through repurposed Tik Toks:

Back to serious: What happened in Minneapolis was completely fucked. Unfortunately I, as well as many others, will never develop some high level solution for all of this. I couldn't even get my bike chain back on last week, let alone solve racism.


We could start by convicting the four officers involved. Perhaps try not to be dickheads for a while, but we all know that will quickly fall apart. Taking to social media has been extremely effective. Without it, we wouldn't be anywhere near the awareness level that we are currently. But then I have to wonder: at what point do my friend's IG post's devolve from honoring George Floyd to becoming more of a "hey, look at me!" Because if you don't think that's going to happen, if it's not already, then you've clearly never met a white girl with an Instagram account. Granted, I'm sitting here editing Tik Tok's, so maybe throwing up a disingenuous post is still more useful then anything I'm doing. Who's worse? Me...probably me...


All in all, I'm hoping something positive will come from this, and we can finally evolve into half-decent human beings who at least try to treat individuals as such. All the donations and Instagram posts are great, but let's make sure we remember this isn't just a two-week ordeal that kept our mind's off COVID for a while. A repost and signing a virtual petition aren't going to do much if you're still an asshole in real life. I'm talking to you - Girl I knew from college who kicked black people out of parties because they made her feel uneasy and is now a social media civil rights leader...Let's apply that Twitter post to real life.


Time to compliment me: I like to think I've always been a little more observant and aware of how race affects life than the people I grew up around. Most of my life I've been surrounded by 89.4% white kids from the suburbs, but basketball gave me an avenue to make friends with people who were driving to a much different situation than myself after practice. Without that, I'd probably be more oblivious than I am right now. Most people tend to live in their own little bubble wherever that might be. And when that bubble is comfortable, it's easy to get complacent. Except for me, I'm never complacent. I'm woke as fuck. That's why I'm spreading my superior sense of life to the people...


Kidding - let's be honest: Your boy's a fucking moron. I was basically a part of the first generation of preteen kids on Xbox live back in 2005, dropping hard -er's in the Call of Duty game lobby. I like to think I've become a little more cognizant of how I approach life since then, but who knows.


What I do know is that I had to say something to all 40 of my Twitter followers who were holding off on curating their own opinion until after I announced mine. So to all of you - You're now free to formulate an opinion. Proceed with caution.


P.S. Let's not forget the guy's name who's murder sparked this. My ignorant ass became so enthralled with the protests that I had to Google to make sure his name wasn't actually George Lloyd or David Floyd.


Not the guy
The man. George Floyd.

P.S.2. If you don't think that I think that I just solved racism with this article, you're wrong. Read it again.

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