It's day (fill in the blank) of the quarantine. COVID-19 has rapidly spread across the nation, threatening to kill millions of people. State's are shutting down, jobs are being lost, and people's lives are slowly getting destroyed. Even with all this fear and devastation happening around me, I can't stop thinking about how much I despise TikTok.
With my newly freed-up schedule, I, like many others, have been spending a considerable amount of time on social media. Unfortunately, even with the influx of Instagram challenges that have come around for completely non-egotistical reasons — disguised with positive motives — have only been able to entertain me for so long.
We've got the one where chicks talk about how they're usually so negative to each other and how they should be more positive. Clearly, the only way to fix that detrimental behavior is to post a selfie and then tag ten other "beautiful women." So brave.
There's the one where people challenge each other to take shots. It's just funny; When I livestream me blacking out until I pass out, and leave my audience with the cliff hanger of, "will he wake up," it's frowned upon. Yet, when someone challenges you to take a shot, it's all of a sudden considered "fun."
Finally, there's the pushup challenge so people can let others know that they work out. "Oh, but Bigleys, that one is promoting a healthy lifestyle in this time of quarantine." Listen, Stuart, doing ten pushups on your IG story isn't going to fix those man titties you've been sporting since high school.
Obviously, you should take my criticisms with a grain of salt. As you may have already guessed, I'm only angry because I'm yet to be tagged in any of these challenges. You would think after 20 of my "friends" each tagged 10 of their friends to partake in the challenge, your boy would have been included at least once. I mean, Goddammit, no one has even accidentally typed my name in.
With a lack of requests to participate in challenges, I've made the mistake of habitually scrolling through my Instagram explore page. I managed to avoid the poison that is TikTok for years, but I've finally fallen into the trap. They say it only takes one time to get addicted to heroin. Similarly, it only took a single hate-view of a TikTok video before Instagram's algorithm made a full-blown junkie out of me.
I started by simply watching one. The next day I watched another. I was then immediately forwarded to another. Next thing you know, my entire explore page is filled with presumably underage kids dancing on the internet. But that's the thing! I can't tell how old they are.
There's an argument to be made that I'm a pedophile now. Not in the sense that I jack off to underage kids. More like if pedophiles downloaded kiddie porn so they could watch it for the sole purpose of building up a wave of unending internal anger for whoever created it. Either way, it's an inappropriate way to live.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Why don't you just stop watching them?" First off, addiction is a disease you ignorant fuck. I can't….I can't stop hate-watching these things. For whatever reason, any ounce of emotional intelligence I have gets immediately thrown out the window the second they come on.
Do I comment on them? No, because only psychos seriously comment on things online. Do I want to comment on them, though? You're fucking right, I do. It takes everything inside of me not to direct terrible, God awful comments at 16-year-old children.
I mean, where are the bullies nowadays? I get times have changed, and bullying is fucked up, but every once in a while, I look back to a time when I got bullied and think, "Yeah, I probably deserved that."
At the very least, where are the parents? My mother used to say atrocious things to me, some of which morphed into life long emotional issues; Others that made me a better person. But being the optimist that I am, I've chosen to focus on the good.
When I played like trash during my AAU games, she would say things like, "Why would I waste my money to watch you suck at basketball?" Unnecessary, but a valid point. Then there was the time in my life when I used to be a heavy mouth breather. Mother changed that after she told me that I looked like a retard letting my mouth hang open like that [The 'R' word (retard) used to be fair game back then].
In 7th grade, when my teeth were fucked up, hair looked like I asked for a Bieber cut from the cashier at the Dollar General, and baby fat still hanging; My mother didn't coddle me by saying things would eventually get better. She gave it to me straight: I was fat. Despite popular belief, this didn't drive me to shoot up my middle school. I got some braces, buzzed my head, and started fucking running.
Now, did the buzz cut leave room for my abnormally large and, at that time, greasy forehead to create a glare powerful enough to require others to wear sunglasses when they spoke to me? Yes. But at least it was a start.
Anyways, with my internal demons being less dangerous than the threat of my therapist contracting Corona, I've decided to use the internet for some pseudo-relief. I plan on breaking down precisely what bothers me about these videos so you can share a similar hate. I must warn you, though: If you've never seen a TikTok video, I highly recommend you go watch 2 girls, 1 cup as a warm-up for what you're about to witness. I present to you: All the things about TikTok that make me want to off myself:
1...This Guy Trying To Eye Fuck Me
I was both lucky and unlucky enough to start with a guy who embodies everything TikTok is to me. I'll never be able to unsee what I saw during this process. After watching way too many videos by this guy, I should legally be able to sue TikTok for molestation. To help avoid developing cancer of the soul, I've added small tidbits to each video. Hopefully, it gets you through these unscathed.
2..That Creepy Fucking Smile They Do
Even with my stellar vocabulary, no words can quite describe my disdain towards this smile. I took to Google, and the closest word to explaining my feelings was "Backpfeifengesicht." In German, this means "a face that's asking to be punched." Still not grasping what I'm speaking about even though there are videos directly below this? Let me go into more detail.
It's the kind of smile that you'd see a particular type of person make at a party and immediately think, "I already hate this guy." You'll commonly catch him in the corner, manipulating conversations to talk about his recent breakup. He might be gay, but you're not judging. And by the look of his body count, he's doing a great job of covering it up.
He repeatedly fails to prove he's one of the guys. It's not that he doesn't know anything about sports that bothers you; it's the fact that he insists on having complete confidence when he asks about how an already long-retired athlete is playing that year. After he's told that guy's been retired for five years now, he makes eye contact with a lady across the room, put's his arm behind his head like an Abercrombie model, and hits them with the most purposeful, nonchalant smile you've ever seen. A lot of the time, it'll be followed up by some weird lip or teeth lick. Like this:
I pre-sped this next one up for you. Our bodies can only take this kind of exposure for 30 seconds at a time.
3…The Hand Dancing
Why is there so much use of the hands when they dance? I know this cheat code: it’s for people who can’t dance. Your boy does it when he’s blackout in the club, or bar, or family Christmas party. It involves no rhythm whatsoever. As long as you’re not Michael J. Fox, anybody can pull it off.
Whether you’re a smoking hot adult woman who ends up being 13, or a blackout 26-year-old man who writes articles about TikTok; We both look like Napoleon Dynamite in a Happy Hands Club.
I made one small edit to the soundtracks for the videos below...
We're going to have an incredible generation of backup dancers.
4..The Genre That Catfishes You Into Looking At Underage Girls
What the fuck is this shit? My buddy tried explaining this to me far before I ran into my first video on Instagram. Sure, he's 25 and on TikTok. But to be fair, he's also the same guy who's face I punted into orbit when I ran to my bathroom to puke in college. Aaron Hernandez murdered 3 people because of his CTE. I'd argue that being on TikTok isn't the worst-case scenario for what kind of damage that boot created, but I digress.
There are other weird versions of this genre, but I found a compilation of one on YouTube. The Google searches I had to perform to find this were brutal. I already got a phone call from the county court system letting me know I'm required to go door to door next Tuesday to hand out flyers explaining why I'm a sexual predator.
My feelings on this:
5…Tricking Me To Read
There was a time when videos were a replacement for reading. TikTok videos, on the other hand, involve a lot of doing nothing while pointing at messages. I don’t like to be tricked into thinking a 14-year-old is 23, and I especially don’t like it when watching a video turns into a cognitive activity. It reminds me of that time when everyone lied about watching Parasite and how it was the most significant piece of cinema that they’d ever seen. How could you possibly say that if you were reading subtitles the entire movie? Lying fucks..
6…People With Crippling Insecurities // General Cringe
THAT'S FUCKING IT! I tried taking the time to break down each reason as to why I hate TikTok, but I'm literally having a physical reaction to this. I'm stressed, I've been sweating my dick off, and I puked twice today. My family has forced me into quarantine because they think I have Corona. Little do they know, I have something much worse: TikTok exposure.
Similar to those scientists who dove underwater at Chernobyl to save millions of lives, I, too, have volunteered myself to do what no man should ever partake in. You don't know the fucking hell I've seen. To avoid any further damage, I've grouped this last category into a general cringe. I'd recommend taking breaks between these videos.
ITH I'M A BITH THAN I'M THE BATHEST BITH
For your sake and my well-being, I'm just going to stop this here. Zoolander was not supposed to be a documentary. Bout to make a 20 second POV of me offing myself. I'll have my mom post it on TikTok for you guys Friday.