• Mr Bigleys

Eight Grounded As Game of Cops And Protesters Turns Violent



Breaking News coming out of the local Metro-Detroit neighborhood, Shady Acres - Eight children have been detained and grounded for three weeks after a third straight night of Cops and Protesters turned violent, while another child is recovering from a gunshot wound to the leg at a nearby hospital.

Protests sparked early Tuesday afternoon after a group of neighborhood children gathered to play the new popular game, Cops and Protesters.


"Yeah, I don't really know…kids…their imaginations run wild. I thought they were playing Cops and Robbers, but apparently, things have changed since I was a kid," said one parent who has asked to remain anonymous. "I heard it was Jimmy who started the whole thing. After his dad got him that 12V Electric Police car, he wouldn't stop arresting the other kids for speeding on their bikes. Abuse of power if you ask me." He later continued, "It seemed innocent at first, but then he shot the only black kid in the neighborhood."


Photo supplied by the Shady Acres "Police Force"



The Home Owners Association confirmed the story, stating that Officer Jimmy unloaded seven rounds from his parent-issued Red Ryder BB rifle, 3 of which drew blood. Officer Jimmy has since been placed him on administrative leave.


When we asked Jimmy's father about the incident, he told us, "His mother and I are looking into the incident. We don't take what happened lightly. We have decided to place Jimmy on a paid-allowance leave. Jimmy told us that the other young boy was reaching for what appeared to be a slingshot and decided to take action."


No slingshot was found at the scene.

For more information, we went to Jimmy's best friend and co-police chief, Casey's house. Casey - the longest-tenured police chief in the forces one-week history - is no stranger to controversy. Two days before the incident, he banned all girls from joining the police force, falsely linking the recent outbreak of COVID to cooties. Unfortunately, Casey refused to speak to us in person, instead, slipping his official statement under the door:



Once word of the shooting got out, two neighborhood kids, Chase and Mila, went door to door encouraging their peers to join them in playing Protest. The game started as mostly peaceful; Positive chalk messages filled the streets. Two children even started a lemonade stand that raised upwards of $7 to help the victim and his family. But things took a turn for the worse when two of the Harris boys decided to light firecrackers off in one of the 12V police cruisers parked outside while flipping over another.


"Skylar and Damian Harris? They don't even live in this neighborhood," stated Mrs. Terry, "Those kid's purpose in life is to cause trouble, completely lost souls. Must've been their no-good parents who bussed them over here."

The Harris boy's actions did not come without repercussions. Moments later, a counter-protester - and known friend of Jimmy's - drove his 12V Corvette through the crowd of protesters, leaving three with minor booboo's. They were quickly brought to their mothers and are expected to make a full recovery.



Despite this act of violence, the children remained undeterred, continuing to play protest the following night. They were met by the remaining kids playing cops; Luke, Henry, Clay, and DJ. The police force came fitted with Halloween-grade swat gear. Home security footage provided by the Smith’s shows these four officers surrounding Chase, repeatedly striking him while on the ground.



I asked Luke's father, one of the officers' parents, why he didn't stop the abuse. He told me, "Honestly, I thought they were just playing smear the queer."


When I showed the victim's father the video of his child being beaten with whiffle ball bats, he responded, "Haha…ohhh…oh man…Smear the queer - I used to love that game. Why are they wearing Swat suits, though?"


On the third and final night, protesters began vandalizing the officer's driveways with horrendous chalk messages, including, "No one likes DJ," "Clay eats poop," "Chase is a meanie," "Die pig scum, DIE," and "Henry likes girls," - Something that Henry vehemently denies.


Protesters would later take their antics a step further, running away from home and settling in an autonomous zone that spanned the entire length of the green electrical box.



Supplies for the autonomous zone - the loaf of bread Charlie took from his cabinet - ran low amongst the protesters. As a last-ditch effort, they released a list of demands, including new Lego's, McDonald's Happy Meals, and a state-of-the-art treehouse equipped with TV's and Wi-Fi to operate out of. Still, their parents didn't budge, releasing the collective statement, "You better get home before your dinner gets cold."

The debacle finally came to a screeching halt on Thursday night after a ding dong ditcher was actually shot in the leg. Further investigation into the matter found no relation to prior protests and the Ding Dong Ditch. The shooter, and known kiddy toucher, Old man Bob, has been arrested by the real police and charged with attempted murder. He maintains his innocence, stating that he was "keeping these privileged cocksucker kids in check." When asked to expand on what he meant by the term "cocksucker," Old man Bob asked for his lawyer, ending the interview.


Reenactment of the incident

As for the victim's family, we asked the mother, Mrs. Freeman, for her thoughts. She shared that she had "no idea" that Jimmy shot her son with a BB gun, but was "disappointed" to find out. Considering all that's going on in the real world, I asked if she found the incident even a little bit funny. She responded with a stern, "No." I again urged a, "Come on..." to which she answered, "He shot my kid with a BB gun because he was black." I made one final attempt, saying, "Right...but still...you have to admit it's kind of funny, right?"


As she shut the door on my face, I could hear a faint, "White people are crazy" slip through. Touché, Mrs. Freeman, touché.


**If you would like to help the protesters who’ve been placed under house arrest, please go to FaHooNews/Donate.com, and donate any extra Halloween candy you may have this year. The kids risked their Halloween freedom. Any amount would help.**

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