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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

BREAKING: The Vatican Rules Against Transgender

Updated: Jul 31, 2019

Breaking news from the Vatican. The usually progressive Catholic Church has given the no go to transgender people. The timing of the announcement has been equally controversial. It is currently LGBT Pride month, something Bigleys did not know existed until very recently. The LGBTQ community is furious over the announcement, figuring acceptance was as sure a thing as the Warriors winning the NBA championship. But like the Warriors, things didn’t turn out so FABULOUS for the LGBTQP community. Looks like the Catholic brotherhood will have to put away those rainbow colored vestments for another time...

Pope Francis briefly mentioned the LGBTQPF community recently stating, “The issue of migration will never be resolved by raising barriers, fomenting fear of others or denying assistance to those who legitimately aspire to a better life for themselves and their families. We should accept all as brothers and sisters with open arms. Except for those damn queers.” Many arguments against the gay and transgender community stem back to the story of Adam and Eve. Had Eve decided she was a man, Adam would have totally been fucked. Now all of a sudden that serpent doesn’t look so scary. In fact, pretty crazy tongue action, the way the serpent moves…BOOM. Adam just fucked a snake. God saw. EVERYBODY saw. You know how hard it is to live down fucking a snake when it’s you and one other, now, man? But now that man, Eve, has decided she’s done with being a man and now wants to be a woman again. Now, Adam has a lot on his mind. Does he make his move and try to smash Eve or is that kind of gay now? It’s, at the very least, a little gay. She was just a man. He decides to go for it. But guess what? EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT, ADAM. You fucked a snake you desperate fuck. Eve says no and humanity ceases to exist. The same thing, according to the church NOT Bigleys, goes for the LGBTQPFA community.

Anyhow, many believe that the recent announcement from the Vatican is an act of retaliation towards the LGBTQPFAU community. Earlier this year the Catholic Church asked if their priests could be accepted into the LGBT community. The LGBTQPFAUW community denied the Vatican’s request based on the grounds that, “Pedophilia is not the same as being gay.” The church didn’t take this denial well and has been arguing that age is just a number. It’s said that as the kiddy touchers walked away from the negotiation table they were heard whispering under their breath, “How can we change genders but not ages.”

All in all, this brings up even more important questions. Or really, question. With this continued denial of the LGBTQPFAUWY community, does this affect the notion that was given by Pope Francis that all dogs go to heaven? What about the gay ones? When the good boys who are also a little gay die, are they forced to spend eternity as a silly little ghost in San Francisco? Are they gay if they hump another man’s leg without balls? Am I gay for letting Rudy hump my leg until completion? For that there is just one answer: It’s not gay if you’re not gay.

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