1) Baby On Board
NOT ONCE…Not once in my life have I ever been in the midst of rear-ending someone, spotted their baby on board sticker, and decided to swerve into oncoming traffic. Based on the Pontiac Aztec that you're driving, your baby was probably going to have a pretty shit life anyhow. I hope that booster seat is strapped correctly because I'm aiming directly at that bright, yellow target you now have on your car. If there's any sticker like this that should be warranted, it's an "Elderly on Board" sticker. At least I would know to speed up before I T-bone that Buick Regal.
2) Jeep Stickers
I've heard this question many times in my life: If you could go back in time and kill baby Hitler, would you? And my answer is no. Absolutely the fuck not. I'd kidnap baby Hitler, slightly shift his views away from the Jews, and refocus that hate towards Jeep people. Now, would this cause a chain reaction eliminating War World 2, which in turn would eradicate the need for Jeeps? I'm not sure, but I'm also not willing to take the chance. Jeep Hitler it is.
3) Memorial Sticker
Did your cousin overdose in high school? What better way to commemorate his life than putting a sticker on the back of your 1997 Oldsmobile Bravado? It's what Kyle would have wanted.
4) The Butterfly Tramp Stamp
Have a lot of daddy issues, but not quite ready to make it permanently known? Stick a butterfly sticker on the back of your 2005 Pontiac Grand Am. It'll look great when you meet your Prince Charming driving the diesel truck with a peeing Calvin sticker.
5) Political Stickers
They say it's one of the biggest influences on swing-state voters. Mr Bigleys has been teetering between the 2020 presidential candidates, but that '94 Subaru Forester I saw on the way to work today really swayed me towards Bernie. I haven't felt a bern like that since I raw-dogged that chick with the butterfly sticker below her license plate.
6) Student Driver Stickers
This is NOT to be mistaken with actual student drivers. Mr Bigleys is an asshole, but even I'll leave a 15-year-old with 3 other 15-year-old's lives in his hands alone. I'm speaking about the parents who put this sticker on the back of their Denali. Listen, you cocksucker, if you're not in a legitimate trainer car, you're one of us. And I swear to God, if we don't make this blinking yellow arrow, it's your Mother's life…
7) Marathon Man
I'm not going to lie, your boy considered running a marathon a few times. Maybe it was to prove something to myself. Perhaps it was to test my physical capabilities. Then I realized I could just buy a sticker. I can say this in complete confidence: Nothing brings me more joy than driving around with a marathon sticker on the back on my window, knowing I never ran a single fucking step for it. Let me let you in on a little secret: Amazon delivers to anyone willing to pay $2. Work smarter, not harder.
8) Michigan Holding a Gun (Regional Bonus)
Your boy is from the grand state of Michigan, and if you've ever accidentally visited here, then you've seen this sticker. For those who don't know, Michigan is shaped like a glove. Slip a pistol between the thumb and the hand, and we have ourselves a top-selling bumper sticker. We get it, man, you're on edge.
This is the same guy just waiting to blast some unfortunate black dude who rings his doorbell the wrong way….You know this guy. He's the one who accidentally blows his wife's brains out in the middle of the night as she was getting a cup of water. Thought it was a robber? Oops. HEY GUY! TAKE THE GUN STICKER OFF YOUR FAMILY'S MINI-VAN.