Barring the threat of any real lawsuits or accusations of voter fraud, it appears that Joe Biden will be our next president of the United States of America. No matter the result, whether Biden or Trump, I was proud to see so many of my fellow patriots partaking in their civic duty and casting their ballot. It's our birthright as Americans to vote, and imperative that we participate in this democratic process. And even if your candidate doesn't win, what's most important is that we all had fun!
Who did I vote for, you may ask? Well, I always choose the candidate who aligns most with my values. My vote goes to the man - and I didn't leave out woman on accident - who I believe will drop the most bombs during their tenure. It's something that I've held very dear to my heart. Fiscally speaking, if my tax dollars are going to fund these war machines, then Godammit, the least we can do as a nation is use them.
"But Bigleys, they're murdering human beings by the mass as if it were a video game!"
Not if I don't see them, they're not. Similar to the slave children making my iPhone; As long as they remain invisible, you can bet your ass I'll keep on buying the new iPhone 12 for a reasonable price, completely guilt-free. Out of sight, out of mind is what I always say. It's why I still hold tremendous hate towards Chelsea Manning. It took me nearly a week and a half to get that taste of blood out of my mouth.
“What about the children caught in the crossfire?! They deserve better treatment!”
P-a-h-lease...show me the numbers. Go ahead...show me the number of children killed by those drone strikes.
Hm…Well, better to get them while they're young than let them get to those pesky teenage years of "vowing vengeance against American's for killing their civilian family."
"They're murdering innocent children! What's wrong with you?"
Murdering children? Sure, I guess you can call it that if you're a pessimist. Personally, I prefer the phrase "late-term abortion," but I digress.
Now that I've had some time to reflect on this election cycle, I don't think it's unfair to say that we all went a little crazy leading up to November 3rd. Social media made political pundits out of all of us. I mean, I literally posted a full-frontal nude to my Instagram story, encouraging my followers to vote. But with things now coming to an end, I've been forced to ask myself: What am I going to do to fill all my new free time?
It never actually mattered to me who won the election. The only reason I decided to partake in any of this political stuff was for the action and sense of routine. I had a strict schedule down: Mondays and Wednesdays were spent with Tommy and the gang discussing the revolution, brick shopping (not at Home Depot, of course), and kicking the shit out of old ladies who got testy with us.
Tuesdays and Thursdays were reserved for my militia buddies. Those guys were some free spirits, to say the least. No ideas were considered inadequate in that circle; I'll miss that about them. One night we'd discuss kidnapping government officials (we would have given Gretchen a fair trial); the next night, we were on the road, traveling to nearby protests to protect liquor stores we had no affiliation with, praying that we wouldn't have to use our weapons.
I’m going to miss “Hashtag” Saturday’s at Alison’s place, planning out the following week’s “Fuck Trump” hashtags. I’ll miss “Cancel” Sundays with Kade, skimming through Latino food brands, calling out the ones operated by the gringos. Most of all, I’m going to miss Flag Mondays with Rusty and the boys, driving through downtown areas with MAGA, American, Confederate, and Blue Lives Matter flags on our lifted trucks, attempting to win the black vote the best way we know-how.
But that's all over now - Mainly due to the heavy jail sentences handed to most of those guys, but also with the election coming to a close. Sure, there might be a few more MAGA rally's, but it won't have the same vigor as they once did.
With political enthusiasm dwindling, my calendar has been wiped clean. How do millions of Twitter users and I fill our time now? I guess I could try to get my accounting career back on track. Things went south after I falsified tax documents for one of my clients so that he'd be audited. Shouldn't have donated to Trump's campaign...Karma, or so I thought.
Maybe I could try to make amends with my grandma before Thanksgiving. It's been four years since I proudly cut off all communication with my family. Our relationship has been on the rocks since I made that speech at my grandpa's funeral, explaining why he deserved to die due to his anti-progressive, racist views. The fascists in my family found the comment to be "inappropriate." He was a nazi, so...I standby that one.
On the bright side, COVID is over, and not wearing a mask into grocery stores to make a point was getting exhausting. I've been banned from 27 individual grocery stores, 5 chains, and any 7-11 north of the Mason-Dixon line…That reminds me: I really need to reach out to my local Kroger to get reinstated. I don't think I can continue grocery shopping at Menard's for much longer.
Yet, there's a part of me that wishes Trump won again. No Trump means I have to find new hobbies, but is this hopeful thinking selfishly based on the things that fit my lifestyle best? It's comforting knowing that with the democrats in office, cops shooting African American's will once again be illegal. But on the flip side, it's unsettling knowing black lives won't matter for another four years. And with COVID-19 set to be eradicated from American soil within the next two months, what are the anti-maskers left to do? Where do we expect them to go to show off their sick assault rifles in public? Is it back to their local brotherhood?
Listen - Did I agree with Billy's intense hatred of the Latino community? No, but he was a darn good Euchre partner. Was Gracie's obsession with "eating the rich" unhealthy? You could say that. But that same A-type personality is what turned her into the tier one crocheter that she is. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that whether it was the Q drops, or Twitter organizers putting together a plan to take over six blocks of a city, I'm just going to miss the sense of camaraderie. Hanging out with these far-left and far-right groups helped me realize that we're a lot more similar than we are different. We all just want to be a part of something, don't we? Oh well…4 more year's I guess.