NASA Announces ‘Fyre Fest 2’ to be on Mars with Release of Black Hole Image
I think we can all agree when Bigleys says NASA has been millennials number one government agency for a long time now. Sure, the FBI catches drug lords. Yeah, the CIA assassinates high powered government officials. And we get that the EPA is trying to save the environment for future generations....but have you seen NASA’s Instagram? God, Bigleys would do anything to trade lives with NASA. How’s NASA always vacationing to space though? She has to be sucking someone's dick. There’s no chance she can afford all those trips after Trump cut her funding…Anyhow, it's a fact that NASA has long been the millennials wet dream. They solidified their status amongst millennials after their long-awaited release of the Black Hole image. Speculation of what was to come had been building for weeks on end. Was this going to be merely a picture of Bigleys memory of last Saturday? Perhaps it was going to be a pic-stitch of the Kardashians vaginas (Amy Schumer would have appreciated that joke). But none of this came to fruition. What was released, though, was something so much better and hint: It wasn’t just the image…
In a shocking twist, NASA has announced that they will have a hand in helping Billy McFarland run Fyre Fest 2 on Mars. Personally, Bigleys loves this move. It’s about time NASA expands their horizons. We have SpaceX strapping a Tesla to a rocket and sending that bitch to Space. Intergalactic pollution? Who CAYAS (NY accent). Nobody wants to hear about how there might be a germ on Jupiter. We want to hear about how the sixth branch of the military, Space Force, defeated Alien ISIS. I want to spend $2.2 billion of hard earned tax dollars on a rocket that hopefully blows up in dramatic fashion (without people inside of course). IT’S TIME TO SEE THE FIRST DOG AND A MONKEY SPACEWALK! Now, to be fair, NASA has been dropping some apparel that has Hypebeasts wet. But NASA continues to show their ability to expand their reach in a creative and efficient way. Hindsight is 20/20 but looking back, Fyre Fest 2 was the clear next step.
Of course, there are always going to be the haters hating on an explosive idea and Fyre Fest 2 is no different. Questions have been flying across the Twitterverse faster than a fat kid eating ice cream on a hot day. Personally, Bigleys thought that the ‘2’ behind Fyre Fest would make it clear that these are two different music festivals, but not everyone graduates college with a 3.07 GPA. So to help alleviate the confusion surrounding the most epic music festival of 2019, FaHoo has done their digging to help answer the most common questions surrounding the event.
First, FF2 will be held in just under 2 weeks and will last for 3-4 days, depending on when they run out of Freeze-dried Neapolitan Astronaut Ice Cream and Tang. Of course, the keyboard warriors of the world are going to attack the idea that BILLYxNASA will actually be able to pull this off by Easter (April 21), the first day of the festival. But as anyone with any entrepreneurship experience knows, failure is just a learning opportunity. Sure, Billy has fucked up 3 times now. Go ahead and throw out the saying, "3 strikes and you're out." But you know what would make baseball more exciting? 4 strikes. Besides, Billy, with the help of NASA, has used the failures of original Fyre Fest to build a better and more efficient game plan for FF2. It used to take Bigleys 2,3,4 hours to write these articles. I learned from my mistakes though. Now I shit these things out 10-15 minutes TOPS my G. “But Bigleys, I saw the documentary. Who’s going to literally suck customs dick so that they let the water through?” Don’t worry Kate, we have that figured out. First off, there are no customs in Space. Second, NASA is pretty damn sure that there’s water somewhere under the surface of Mars. Who you gonna trust? Your intuition or the agency that’s spent billions of dollars in order to find 16ozs of frozen water. BE GONE BITCH.
Next, where are people going to stay? Let Bigleys begin by repeating what he's said over and over again: Society is soft as fuck. Had this been my grandparent's generation they would have hitchhiked to Mars with just a tent, LSD, and some shitty weed. But complain no more, NASA has you guys covered. Many ignored Yahoo's, our stepfather, article about NASA’s 3D printed Mars Habitat Design competition that they just happened to throw a few weeks back. That didn’t slip by Bigleys and FaHoo though. See that’s what makes this the best new site on the internet. While CNN and Fox are playing checkers, FaHoo is playing 3D chess onboard a Tesla barreling towards the sun.
Unfortunately, at the time we didn’t have enough sources to run with the story. Luckily, that has changed. It wasn’t just a coincidence that NASA recently picked 3 home designs for Mars, it was planned. Each of these designs will be separated into 3 separate tiers based on luxury and cost for the festival. So save your bitching, millennials, no disaster tents at this Fyre Fest. All NASA needs to do is fly 3, maybe FOE 3D printers up a week before and there will be a fully functioning Mars habitat in hours.
Next up, the promotion. Many Twitter trolls lost there shit back in March when NASA said that they were canceling their first all women spacewalk. The reasoning behind this was the fact that they only had one small and one medium suit for astronauts. McClain, one of the women astronauts, came out and said it was her choice to forgo the trip to eliminate the risk involved with wearing a large suit. To be fair to NASA, they didn’t lie. It’s true they were limited in suit sizes but the real reasoning behind the cancellation went a little further. NASA needed both women’s suits as well as the funds from the launch so that they could redirect those resources into pumping out 2 more small suits. Naturally, many of you are asking why? NASA is proud to announce that as part of their promotional tour for FF2, 4 of your favorite Instagram models will be flown to Mars a couple of days before FF2 and have a dope photo shoot. With this, they will become the first humans to walk on Mars as well as complete the first ever all-women spacewalk. No more glass atmospheric ceiling for the women of America. The lineup includes Kendall Jenner, Gigi Hadid, Sommer Ray, and Hailey Berber, totaling in over 193 million combined followers. Rumor has it that the new suits will be made by Lululemon and pictures of the models in the suits are expected early next week.
So what can you do? All that BILLYxNASA ask for you to do is simply repost the recently released image of the black hole with caption #FyreFest2 #FF2. Each day leading up to the event, 10 people will be guaranteed to be supplied with their very own space dog or space monkey. To buy tickets, sign onto FaHoo news on April 13th and click on the ads on the side until it eventually brings you to the FF2 ticket order site. Oh and one last thing. With it being on Easter, our savior, Jesus, is expected to make his long-awaited return to stage. Don’t be the person who missed Jesus on Mars, your Instagram reputation depends on it.