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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

Millennial Sells Identity, Steals House, and Becomes a True Patriot

Updated: Aug 19, 2019

When Jerry Dire graduated from college, he had no idea where life would take him. Jerry had recently graduated from a prestigious business school, with honors. And as many students later find out, those honors came with an insurmountable amount of debt.

See, Jerry came from a middle-class family who was unable to pay for his schooling. After receiving his Masters, he had racked up debt totaling over $150,000. He felt stuck. How could it be that after all his hard work, he would now be given, what appeared to be, a lifetime of debt payments?

What made Jerry different was that he was never no bitchass. He had always considered himself an entrepreneur. During our interview, Jerry said, "I've never been scared to go out and find a way to make money on my own. I can still remember my first business. Every Sunday, I would walk around my neighborhood collecting cans for my 'Boy Scout' troop to raise money." I asked how that helped him. He responded, "There was no boy scout troop. I pocketed every dollar."

Coming out of college, Jerry was offered a high paying job but decided to turn it down, due to the high cost of living in the city. Instead, he chose to continue working and living with his parents in Montana. They were hostile towards the decision, but he did pay the property taxes for the next five years as rent.

"My dad," he says, "is such a Jew." I interrupt, "Jerry, you know FaHoo recently converted to Judaism. We take much offense when 'Jew' is used as an insult for cheap individuals." He corrects me, "Yeah, no, I know. He's literally a Jew. Just trying to paint a picture for your story." We move on...

With a roof over Jerry's head, he now had to find a way to pay off his college debt. The decision he made was controversial.

Jerry decided to drive down to the local Home Depot and sell his identity to a Norwegian day laborer for a deal of a lifetime, or at least that's what the illegal Norwegian thought. What he was unaware of was Jerry's massive amounts of debt. I found the day laborer who bought Jerry's identity to ask him a few questions. To protect his identity, we'll call him Jose.

When asked about the situation, Jose claims, "Yah, I had just snuck into America from Norway earlier that week. I was in search of a better life, yah know. That day I was hanging around the local Home Depot with a couple of other illegals from Scotland looking for work. That's when Jerry drove up and offered to sell us his identity for pennies on the dollar. It was a deal of a lifetime. I wanted to work a less labor-intensive job, so I bought it off him. When I purchased it, I had no idea that he had all that debt. I had no choice but to start paying it off to avoid ICE catching on to me. It was pretty fucked up." Jerry would eventually take his identity back from Jose after his debt was almost entirely paid off.

At this point, Jerry had a well-paying job with nearly all his debts paid, but there was still something missing. Jerry still wanted his own place to live. His parents were furious, demanding that he move out. So Jerry finally decided to reveal the last step to his grand plan.

Jerry says, "The night of April 30th, I decided to finally unveil what I liked to call the 'Final Solution.'" I didn't like where this was going, but I let Jerry continue, "That night, I walked downstairs and handed them the paperwork showing that the house was now mine through a little known law called adverse possession. Since I had been there for 5 years and paid the taxes, I was now able to claim the house."

I ask him how his parents reacted. He said, "Well, to soften the blow, I handed them both a Swastika." I grow furious. "Excuse me?" I yell. Jerry responds, "Yeah, a Swastika. I had recently converted to Hinduism. The Swastika represents luck or well being. They actually really appreciated that." I grow increasingly embarrassed, but I stay professional and continue the interview.

"So what did they do?" I ask. "Well, I told them they could either leave or they would be gassed." At this point, I'm absolutely furious. As a proud Jewish site, and Mr Bigleys was not going to stand for this racism. I tell him to stand up because we're about to throw hands. Jerry quickly says, "No, no, no. Not like that. Jesus Christ, man, how fucked up is your mind? They had let the house go, so termites were infesting the structure of the house. I was getting it fumigated the next day." My face is now beet red, which is a weird saying considering beets are arguably more purple than red, but I digress.

I thank him for his time and leave. Jerry ended up taking the house from his parents, who now live in a small, Jewish ghetto located in Montana. Many have claimed that he's a manipulative person who took advantage of the people around him. But to counter; Capitalism, 'Merica, and the pursuit of money. Jerry was tired of watching his fellow Millenials fail to be able to afford a place to live on their own. So Jerry, being the 'Merican he is, pulled up his bootstraps and found a way to deliver. Shit, if that ain't 'Merica than Bigleys doesn't know what is...

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