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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

Introducing BUMr - The App Holding Beggars To A Higher Standard

Are you tired of bums asking you for money on your way to work? Do you dread standing face to face with freelance beggars - Always uncomfortably close, I might add - and sitting through their long-winded pitch? Are you over deciding between listening to their veteran war stories or ignoring them and risk getting shanked? If any of these resonate, then we have the product for you; Introducing BUMr.

Freelance begging (FB) is a profession as old as America itself. Historically speaking, freelance beggars each claim one street corner as their own; Like a business with no address. With the BUMr app, users can place location details of each FB. Once a corner is claimed, BUMr provides it's community a tool to rate their experience with each FB they run into, similar to Yelp.

Review: One of the nicest freelance beggars I met while in Dallas. Has a dog he lets you pet. Would absolutely donate money again!

Say goodbye to the lawlessness of the freelance begging business and hello to some much-needed rules. Rudeness and harassment will no longer be tolerated in this business sector. Freelance beggars will now be responsible for running their very own business. Like any company, they'll be held to a certain standard. This not only improves the customer's user experience but also teaches freelance beggars skills that employers seek.

Next comes the directional features. Using the community of users, we'll now be able to avoid freelance beggars in the same way we can dodge cops or traffic jams on Waze. Do you usually make a stop at Starbucks on the way to work? WARNING: 2 FB's are outside asking for coffee and food. Please take the alternative route to Tim Horton's to avoid contact.

No more sitting at a red light, trying to avoid eye contact with freelance beggars

To better understand the drive behind BUMr, it's important to know that we base everything we do on our three core beliefs, all of which were inspired by three specific freelance beggars:

1…Recognize The Human In Everyone

My first freelance beggar interaction took place in a Taco Bell on the Michigan State University campus. Speaking with him taught me to recognize the human by helping these people build employment history, reputations, and entrepreneur credentials. A very intoxicated Mr Bigleys sat down and spoke with the man to better understand his journey, and how the streets became his home.

Now - Did the man pull a box cutter on me under the table? Yes. Was blackout Bigleys able to talk him down from committing a murder in the middle of the busiest Taco Bell at Michigan State? Yes. Did blackout Bigleys also forget to offer the man a 99 cent taco, which looking back was one of the biggest dick moves of my life? Yuh caught me.

See, the issue with America is that many citizens aren't willing to look past the box-cutter to see the human behind it, threatening to kill you. Luckily, I possess what many don't: A severe alcohol problem, and a lack of fear when blackout.

If you were to ask me if I view freelance beggars as lesser human beings, the answer is yes, of course, I do. But that doesn't only apply to them; it applies to ALL people. Whether you're a freelance beggar or a colleague of mine, I probably think I'm better than you in every single aspect of life. Still, that's no excuse not to try and help others.

2…Cutting Out Unnecessary Interactions

The second run-in with a FB was during the walk back to my car from work. I was feeling adventurous that day and decided to take a new route; A decision that proved to be devastating. As I passed by the unexpected freelance beggar, I made the vital mistake of making eye-contact. I doubled down on that mistake by making the atrocious decision to take my headphones out so I could listen to what he was saying. We were now face-to-face, not more than 4 inches between us. Droplets of spit dispersed from his mouth onto my face – I would later be diagnosed with AIDS by WebMD.

Nonetheless, I listened to his tale. He went on and on about how he wanted some water, even flashing me his government issues veteran card.

Usually, I would never buy water for another person. Freshwater is a privilege, not a right. Once he pulled out that veterans card, though, I felt the need to pay him back. You ate some Agent Orange in 'Nam, so I'll get you a water, and we'll call it even.

As I reached down in my pocket I quickly realized I only had fat stack twankys in my wallet. No chance I give this guy a twanky dolla bill. I get that he watched his brothers get brutally murdered in war, but twenty dollars? It wasn't like there was a nearby CVS either; it was all or nothing. I'll leave it to your imagination of which one I chose.

Eventually, I found my way out of the conversation, shank free. Had there been the BUMr app, I could have avoided the conflict completely. Hence, reason two.

3….Hold The Industry Of Freelance Begging to a Higher Standard

Our final core value was inspired by one specific freelance beggar I run into every day. I had my first interaction with the FB when I started my job. During my lunch hour, I frequent the local Kroger to eat and work on FaHoo articles. The freelance beggar who sleeps outside asked if I could buy him one of those 40-packs of assorted Frito-Lay's chips. He explained to me that it was his son's birthday and he wanted to give him something nice. If this guy had a kid, that means he had sex at least one more time than myself. I had my suspicions, but I agreed; For the child.

I walked into the grocery store and found the 40-pack that he had requested. "Twenty-five dollars," I thought. Or maybe it was "$25?" I don't remember specifically if I spelled out twenty-five in my head or if I just used the numbers, 25. Point being, way too expensive for a FB.

I made the executive decision to buy the cheaper 18-pack. When I walked out to hand it to the FB, I waited for my thanks - because similar to holding the door for someone, I expect a simple fucking thank you. Yet, nothing followed the exchange, just a look like he deserved those chips.

Over the next couple of weeks, I noticed this guy was racking up the goods. People were buying him so much shit that he would hide some of his shit to make it look like he had less. Smart move, no doubt. He was like a poor version of wealthy people who hide their money in overseas accounts to avoid taxes, which I can respect.

Then, one day, I saw it: Another 40-pack of Frito-Lay's. This meant one of two things: Either this guy has had sex twice as much as me, or he's lying. I did some digging around town and ends up; this motherfucker has an apartment with a stove! He's killing it. Even worse, he deceived me and took advantage of my kindness. He doesn't even have kids.

To make matters worse, he's not even a nice guy. Always talking shit to people and catcalling bitches (or women, whatever noun you prefer). I was livid, fuck that guy. For fuck sakes, this is your job. The least you can do is be nice.

What was I to do, though, report him to the Better Business Bureau? Shame him on video like a porky midwestern mom who calls the cops on a lemonade stand? Give him a bad Yelp review…

And that's when it clicked: I could create an app that combines the review system of Yelp, with the community-driven aspect of Waze. From those three experiences, BUMr was born.

BUMr is still in its development stage, but we plan on releasing the app mid-2020. If you'd like to support us, please donate to our GoFundMe. Those who do will receive a free year of our Premium membership. Members will gain access to things like the freelance beggar's Shank rating: the percentage of people a freelance beggar threatens to kill. You'll also receive the exclusive feature to avoid Street Preachers, as well as more features TBA.

We look forward to your undying support. We're also hiring, so please feel free to subscribe to FaHooNews, and we'll send you an application form. Let's be more humanitarian to avoiding bums. Join the community and see what BUMr can do for you.

109 views2 comments


May 14, 2020

Love the idea. Slight suggestion, integrate the features of another popular website: Fiverr. As you know, $5 to FB’s roughly translates to around $1,500 for us normals. With that amount of coin, some are willing to do anything. Namely, harass someone you don’t like. Using geolocation, the user will send a picture to an FB on the same block as said mortal enemy, and for five dollars or $5, terror will ensue. Just a thought!


Dec 18, 2019

This was such an inspirational story that truly represents how achievable the American Dream is as long as you have an idea and a class of people to exploit.

One of your finest pieces.

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