I’m Going to Shit on a Victoria Secret Model's Front Porch
Updated: Mar 6, 2019
Fast food spots are supposed to be fat people’s safe zones. When Beefy Stevey walks into an In-N-Out at 10:30 am, those are no longer husky jeans around his waist, they're just size 12’s. There was a time when Jelly Belly Kelly’s request to supersize her meal wasn’t viewed as a disgrace, it was seen as a badge of honor. The handicap marker on my license plate is NOT a sign of laziness, it’s a sign of dedication. Heroin junkies have Portland, and Gargantuan Juan’s have fast food restaurants. It’s one of the only places left where Chunky Charlie, Butterball Paul, Thickset Chet, and I can go scarf down 3500+ calories and not be judged. So when I found out that this Victoria Secret model, Kelly Gale, was fat shaming at an In-N-Out I rolled over and immediately grabbed my laptop to write this article.
There are things in this world that anyone with any decency whatsoever just won’t do; Draw a picture of Mohammad, make an oven joke at Auschwitz, yell, “ANOTHER PLANE,” at the new World Trade Center, and work out at the Mecca of fast food, In-N-Out. Yet somehow, Kelly’s bony ass missed the meeting when we agreed on all of this like she missed lunch. In the video obtained by Fahoo News through E! News network through her Instagram, a malnourished Kelly is shown walking into an In-N-Out, probably using their WiFi for free which is a punishable offense at any Starbucks, and eating a pear. To her credit, she then manages to work up the energy to get her emaciated body to walk outside and work out. The video ends with her enjoying a variety of vegetables after jump roping, and doing approximately 17 sit-ups. When E! News followed up at the In-N-Out Burly Curly and Swollen Nolan were quoted saying, “It didn’t bother us much once she went outside. Any hefty knows you never sit outside in the sun while eating, or really at all for that matter. Do you like to sweat while eating?”
Fat shaming is not ok. But this wasn't what bothered me the most. Questions still remained... Haggard Kelly is reportedly worth $18 million. Surely she could afford a gym membership. She wouldn't be so shallow as to use this as some sort of social media stunt to gain followers, would she? And why does she have such a large gap in between her two front teeth? Is it to hide any evidence of food being stuck? Can’t have a piece of food stuck if there’s nothing to be stuck to. And why does her longtime boyfriend, Johannes Jarl (for Googling purposes) look like a more lesbian version of Ellen? Really though, this chick is a former Playboy bunny, RIP Hef, and current Victoria Secret model. She could have picked my boy Thick Vick from the In-N-Out, starved him a couple months, and have a better-looking dude than her beta boy. In the end, I’m not really mad at her for working outside of an In-N-Out. It’s about time those tables got some use because we’re all in here using the AC. I wouldn’t accuse her of fat shaming because I’m not a sensitive piece of shit. What I plead to Kelly is this: if you keep up this Jane Fonda Fast Food Tour of 2018 then fast food joints are going to start eliminating handicap spots and putting in more yellow lines. And I swear to God, Kelly if I have to walk one more Goddamn step because your skinny ass wants more Instagram followers I will eat 4 Chipotle burritos, double meat, double cheese, and I will come to your house and shit on your front porch. Consider that a warning.
*I want to thank our unofficial, unknowing sponsor, In-N-Out, for fueling the Fahoo writer(s). Can’t wait to see the next check in the mail**