Well, it’s no secret that the Boy Scouts of America have been in a deep financial crisis these last couple of years. FaHoo had mentioned the potential bankruptcy in our award winning article about the Girl Scouts. Now with a recent flood of sex abuse accusations against the organization, the outlook is not looking too hot. Luckily for BSA, FaHoo News seems to slowly be evolving into a hybrid of both a news site as well as a solutions consulting firm. A lot of thought went into what could bring this organization back from the dead. The following paragraphs will bring you through the plan on how the Boy Scouts can stop being so poor.
Bigleys original thought was simple: In order to cut costs simply ask the local church clergy to volunteer in order to help lead these young men. BOOM: free labor. Unfortunately, after reassessing that doesn’t seem like the best solution for reasons we’d rather not mention. After running through all the options with the FaHoo staff, we decided that because of the touching kid's thing, being broke, and sub-par popcorn sales, that it was time for a complete rebrand. Now, this may sound radical, but I ask that BSA just believe in Bigleys. Sometimes it takes a radical thinker to produce incredible ideas. Some psychopath saw pigs eating their own shit and decided that it was a good idea to eat one of those. I need you to believe in me the same way we believed in that guy. I’m going to start a new paragraph I guess. Somehow my insecurity for paragraphs has caused my news stories to write more, shorter paragraphs…
Let’s just start by saying that we need to cut off the fat, and by fat, Bigleys doesn’t mean the fat kids. The huskies can stay, that is as long as they can run a mile under 7 minutes. The 'fat' we’re referring to is the over complication of the BSA system. Bigleys did his digging as is tradition, and apparently, these assholes have over 135 merit badges including things like coin collecting, fingerprinting, reading, basketry, crime prevention, and space exploration… Are we fucking kidding ourselves, Boy Scouts? Call me crazy but I’ve never seen a 13-year-old on the fucking MOON. “Oh, sick basket, Jerry, is that where you’re going to hold your insecurities?” “Oh, congrats Henry on snitching on that kid cheating off you in math. Now to complete your crime prevention badge we’re going to drop you off in the South Side of Chicago. If you can prevent any shootings the badge is yours.” “Alright Tommy, in order to receive your fingerprinting badge we’re going to need you to go to the scene of a brutal double homicide to take prints off of the knife inside of victim number 2’s forehead. Make sure not to move it too much or else you could ruin the scene.” President Roosevelt backed this club not because he wanted America to be incredible at weaving baskets, rather, he complained of the decline of manhood in America. And what came of that? A bunch of basket weaving bitches.
So here is the new, slimmed down list of merit badges: American Business, Athletics, Dog Care, Entrepreneurship, Golf, Personal Fitness, Rifle Shooting, Shotgun Shooting, and Sports. Fact check me, these are all real. For the required Try Hard (Eagle) Scout badges, those will now include the Communication badge now rebranded as the DM’ing Badge; the Emergency Preparedness/Life Saving Badge now the Let Him Puke It Out and Hopefully He’s Alive Tomorrow Badge; the Family Badge now the Pull Out Efficiency Badge; the cooking badge now the Meal Prep Badge; the Personal Management badge now the How to Properly Blackout Badge; and finally the Swimming-Hiking-Cycling Badge which will now be the Bench Press-Deadlift-Squat badge. From 135 to 15 badges.
Next, apparently, there are 4 main, ‘traditional programs’ that BSA has. Like everyone else, I thought that a boy scout was a boy scout and if he stuck around long enough without being bullied into depression, he became an Eagle Scout. Ends up: Not the case. The programs include Cub Scouting (Kindergarten-5th grade), Scouts BSA (age 11-18), Venturing (14-21), and Sea Scouting (14-21). Why is are the Cub Scouts based on grade and everything else is based on age? No clue. But I assume the Eagle Scout who made the Wikipedia page knew what he was talking about, but I digress… Right off the back, we’re eliminating the Sea Scouts. What you all doing? Talking to dolphins? Let’s try talking to a girl…Following that, let’s just eliminate the Scouts BSA category. At 11 years old, you’re a man. Mr Bigleys parent’s made him pay for his own health insurance the same day he started wiping his own ass. For that reason, members now go from Cub Scouting (Kindergarten-Fifth) straight to Venturing (11-21).
Now, this is where the money aspect comes in. Nobody likes Boy Scout Popcorn, that’s a fact. It’s straight trash. Besides, the Girl Scouts already have the junk food market covered. Let’s mark this popcorn bull shit as a flop and move onto something better. The Boy Scouts of America will now run a Multi-Level Marketing plan, NOT A PYRAMID SCHEME, where we sell supplements. This is also a big reason as to why we are lowering the Venturing age. These incoming kids are vulnerable and impressionable. We now give these 11-year-olds the tools to be their own boss. “You see that BMW outside? That’s Alec’s and he’s only 12. He bought that 6 months into the program. All you have to do is have your parents buy $800 in product so that you can resell it to your classmates. Start with handing out free samples of the pre-workout. Once they see how incredible it is all you have to do is have them sign up. Then, when those people make money, you make money.” It’s that simple. FaHoo predicts revenue will soar by 169% with Boy Scout membership increasing around 58% every quarter.
With that, Bigleys is getting pretty sick of writing so here’s a quick list of other improvements we plan on making for the Boy Scouts:
-The uniform will now consist of Chelsea boots, ripped black jeans, an extendo T-shirt, and hair product.
-All members will be required to show proof of a credible fake ID.
-Every member will be required to get one of the following tattoos: (1)A cross on their back or (2)Their family crest on their chest
-The Boy Scouts will now be referred to as the Alpha Omega Scouts of America
-The Boy Scout 3 Finger Salute will now be the 2 in the pink 1 in the stink sign
-Camping trips will no longer be spent in tents, only Tyler’s dads sick new RV
-The Adult Leaders badge will no longer be called the wood badge, for obvious reasons
-The Adult Leaders will also have to go through Hell Week in order to be initiated. This week will include being locked in a basement for 12 hours with a speaker blaring DON’T TOUCH THE KIDS
-The Scout Jamboree that involved over 33,000 scouts meeting at one spot, will now be canceled for being a “sausage fest”
**Final Note: I think it’s important that the Scouts also fight for the release of their most famous and influential Eagle Scout: Ross Ulbricht aka the creator of Silk Road. This man is a genius. Bigleys used to be able to hire an assassin, hire a hooker, and buy a bag of blow, all form my computer. Let’s stand up for your own. #FreeRossUlbricht**