A wedding night is one of the most memorable moments that two lovers will share for the rest of their lives. Johnny and Gabrielle’s was no different. Everything was picture perfect. A beautiful outdoor wedding on the coast of Carolina on a perfect 73 degree, sunny, but slightly breezy summer day. The crowd was full of 200+ friends and family, all of which got along. It was an open bar because nobody wants to go to a cheap fucks wedding. The reception was held on one of the most prestigious golf courses in all of the south. Nothing could ruin this night.
The bridesmaids and groomsmen made their ways into the reception hall. Stacy and Joseph even did a funny little dance, it was SO FUNNY. After everyone settled, it was time for the speeches. The maid of honor began with an absolutely horrendous speech full of tears and generally bad stories as maid’s of honor do. iPhones filled the room as the guests made every attempt to distract themselves from this shit hole speech. After, what felt like 45 minutes, she finally made her toast.
The mic was then handed to the best man, Mike. Everyone loves the best man speech. Following Laura’s disaster, this man could literally read the entire bible and it would be more entertaining. Mike picked up the mic when, out of nowhere, the lights turned off. Only a single spotlight is now shining down on Mike. He begins, “I just want to thank everyone for coming out tonight for my first Netflix special.” The crowd erupts. Mike went on to tell blackout stories with him and Johnny. The crowd is basically eating out of Mike’s hand. Every joke absolutely kills. There’s not one dry eye in the room and it’s not because of the maid of honors shit bag stories. These are tears of joy; of laughter. After an hour set, Mike finishes. He says, “Thank you, Carolina, you guys were great tonight!” The lights turn on and the crowd begins to flood out of the room.
Gabrielle breaks down into tears. Johnny says, “What's wrong? Mike just killed it.” Gabrielle responds, “This was supposed to be a night about you and me, but mostly me.” Johnny laughs hysterically, but he notices a bewildered look on Gabrielle’s face. Johnny than realizes, “Oh, you actually thought we were getting married? Gabrielle, the past 9 years were great and all but Mike is my best friend. I knew if we had a wedding your parents would pay for everything, making it a perfect time for Mike’s first comedy special. You understand, right?” Gabrielle bursts further into tears. Gabrielle’s father walks up to Johnny with conviction and yells, “JESUS FUCK JOHNNY! Had I known Mike was this funny I would have invited him to the golf outing last weekend. Gabrielle, did you rip the tags off your dress? God fucking dammit. Why did you think I told you to leave those on. Just get in the car.”
It was surely a night to remember. It’s unfortunate that Gabrielle took that long to catch onto the joke, but not every(w)o(man)ne has a sense of humor. For Gabrielle’s father, less than half of marriages actually work out so you might as well get some entertainment out of the wedding. And Johnny? I think we can all agree when Bigleys says those are the kind of friends we all strive to have. A man willing to hang with a broad that he doesn’t even like for 9 years, just to help his best friend achieve his dreams, is something we should all be willing to do for our boyz. Having money, a wife, kids, a dog, and a white picket fence isn’t the American Dream. Having friends like Johnny is. Be more like Johnny.