5 Simple Steps To Pull Off The Perfect DIY Funeral
Updated: Feb 6
Great news — Your last living parent finally croaked. For years Mom's been draining your inheritance with her absurd living costs. Sure, having her around to meet the grandkids was great, but after the dementia hit, I think it's fair to say those last five years were just her being selfish. You tried saving money by moving mom to your garage to live out those last few years. You even bought two space heaters for the winter and agreed to allow her inside to use your bathroom, but your stifler of a sister told you it was "inhumane." Whatever.
This couldn't have happened at a better time because you've been stuck at a dead-end job for years. Even that blog you started hasn't exactly hit it big like you initially planned. Since a decent portion of that inheritance money has already been drained taking care of your greedy, senile mother, it's time to find other ways to save what cash you have left.
Many sheeple will choose to take the traditional route by dishing out $7,000 to $15,000 for a proper burial. But you're not average — You're an opportunist. You don't see that $9,000 price tag as well spent on a respectable burial; You see it as a down payment on the Corvette you've had your eye on for so long. To help with your budgeting, we've built a fool-proof plan to nail the perfect DIY funeral.
Step 1: Buy A Shower Curtain
Naturally, dead bodies acquire an aggressive aroma after some time. With your mother being the self-centered wench that she was (bless her heart), she decided to pass during the hottest month of the year. Since you just sold your industrial freezer, the shed you've been keeping her in has become unbearable. To help seal that smell, buy a shower curtain and a roll of duct tape. Lay her on top of the curtain, and roll her up like a human burrito.
Step 2: Buy Some Wood For A Coffin
The average coffin in today's market sells for $1,000 to $4,000. That number can increase exponentially, depending on the quality, though. To save some major coin, go to your local Home Depot and buy 4-5 pieces of plywood and a couple of 2x4's for structural support. For even more savings, we recommend folding her legs under her — like she's getting one final quad stretch — to save space. Altogether, your DIY coffin will cost you $80 to $100. Those are the kind of savings that would have made your father proud.
Don't worry that the Home Depot attendant will think you're crazy when you tell him what it's for. Do you know what's insane? Spending a small fortune on something you're going to bury in the ground the very next day.
Step 3: Rent An Excavator
This step will be the most costly portion of the project. Scanning websites online, I found that you can get a highly functional excavator for $300-$400 a day. To avoid any unnecessary problems, you're going to want to make sure to dig this grave at least 6 feet. If one of your nosey neighbors asks what's going on, let them know you're fertilizing; Technically, you're not lying.
Step 4: Get Ordained Online
In today's world, you never know what priest you can trust. It's like they don't have any sense of the word morals. Besides, do you really want to pay a priest $300 to come and scout the underage talent at the funeral? Cut the cost of the priest and your nephew's inevitable therapy sessions, because we have good news: Getting ordained online is absolutely free. Like Uber, this priest thing could be your little side hustle. Leave the judgment to God.
Step 5: Sell That Unused Lot
Now that mother is safely secured six feet under your backyard; there's no need to hang onto that unused burial lot next to your father. Buying their lot's side by side was a cute idea and all, but really, what the fuck do they care. Plus, your dad and mom's relationship was pretty rocky at the end there. I think we can all agree father would appreciate some space. After the sale, you'll find another $1000 in your pocket — quick money.
Altogether, the cost of everything comes to $507.87. Compared to an $8000 funeral, that's nearly 94% in savings. BUT WAIT! We didn't even mention the $1000 you made off the unused lot. You turned the money pit that is a funeral into an entrepreneurial venture and profit of $492.13. Sure, your entire extended family will hate you for what you did, but they suck anyhow.
Thats it! Come back next month, where we plan on breaking down the seven steps required to make your wife's death look accidental. I'll leave you with a little teaser:
Step 1: Read This Article With An Incognito Browser.
See you then!