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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

3-Star Yelper's and Other Deranged People That The FBI Should Keep Their Eye On

1…People Who Give 3 Star Reviews On Yelp

These people…these people are living proof that God is not perfect, dare I sat it…real. Listen, we all make mistakes. I've had some major fuck ups at my job too. But how am I supposed to respect the all-powerful creator after this botched job?

So, what exactly is wrong with these people? Let's start with the elephant in the room: They leave reviews on Yelp. But these people don't consider themselves ordinary Yelp reviewers; They see themselves as ELITE. After their 200th review, they've far surpassed that of a casual foodie. In their eyes, they're culinary EXPERTS.

You know how far gone you have to be in order to genuinely believe a 3-star review is a more rational rating than those who vote one or five stars? In their prestigious minds, those scores are cop-outs.

A real culinary savant, like themself, scores food trucks and steakhouses on the same grading scale. Everything about the place could be perfect, but God forbid the restaurant forgets the ranch they requested because these fucks aren't afraid to deduct a star at the bat of an eye:

Doesn't like Haitian food. Went to a place that serves Haitian food. Eats Haitian food. Leaves review.

I don't want to get too angry at this guy because it's pretty clear he's poor. That's the only way you could explain how he spells sandwich, "sammich."

Listen, I can even look past that, but taking away two stars for half a sauce and a missing slice of cheese? Cody, we get it - When you order from the Salvation Army vending machine, you know exactly what you're going to get. But in the real world, people sometimes forget things even if that thing was a whole extra dollar.

Fuuuck you, Emmy.

Let's break this one down: First off, by the looks of the sport jacket that Hammad's wearing in his Yelp profile, he doesn't appear to be poor like Cody. That being said, his Yelp profile may also second as his go-to dating app. You can really tell this guy fucking blows, though, by the FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY-TWO Yelp friends he has.

Not enough for you to consider him a bad person? If you are or were a parent, and your babysitter told you that he updates his previously posted Yelp reviews, would you leave your child with them? Exactly.

2…People That Drive On The Highway With Their Windows Down

Simply put, these people are complete psychopaths. They're not like you and me. While we grew up enjoying Saturday morning cartoons, these people were tearing the legs off of ants on their back porch. While we were digging holes to China, they were digging a grave for the squirrel they just brutally murdered.

Luckily for us, there came the point during these kids' lives when they took a different turn than their idol, Jeffrey Dahmer. We've all had a similar moment: After realizing that I was 5'10", white, and relatively unathletic, I refocused my NBA dreams to a college IM basketball league. On the other hand, these kids recognized that they didn't have the edge that it takes to be a successful serial killer. Instead, they directed that energy towards a new objective: Treating their passengers like Vietnam PWO's and torturing them by driving at high speeds with the window down.

A mentally and emotionally sound person would have the wits to know that rolling up the windows on the highway and using AC is more efficient. But then again, you would miss out on all of the sufferings that the 95-degree weather brings on a humid summer day.

Typically, murder podcasts would be their preferred channel of listening, but the Helmholtz resonance created by their single open window makes that impossible. To counteract the deafening noise, you reach to roll down your window. You click the button, but nothing happens. You've been child locked...You sense something is wrong, peer over to him, and ask, "Could WHOPWHOPWHOP you WHOPWHOP unlock WHOPWHOPWHOP my WHOPWHOPWHOP window?"

He very eerily turns his head over, smiles, and nods, "no." This is his serial killer, "I locked the door so you can't jump out," movie moment. God forbid you ever get one of these monsters as your Uber driver.

3…People Who Track How Many Followers They Have

Are you really so self-conscious that you feel the need to keep track of every follower? Do you legitimately have that serious of a crippling need for people to like you?

Never mind. I don’t see any issue with this one.

4…The Shower Handle Industry

Before writing this article, I seriously considered cooking up an entire conspiracy theory about the shower handle industry. But then I thought about how bad these articles are already, so by the grace of our good Lord baby Jesus, I decided to cut that part out.

That being said, these people are Satanists. What went wrong in this world where a standard household item became every shower company's unique version of a jigsaw puzzle? Why is it that when I step into a new shower, I feel as though it's the beginning of an escape room? Are all the engineers working for these companies failed safe makers? Simultaneously launching all of America's nuclear weapons shouldn't be easier than turning on the water. There's nothing more emasculating than standing in the middle of the bathroom, naked, flaccid dick hanging, and Googling how to use a shower. Hot, cold, pull up for water; That's all I need.

5…People That Make Doors Look Like Push Doors When They’re Actually Pull

Again, I'm not a big conspiracy guy, but I have to assume the people who did this are the decedents of Nazi scientists who were spared and allowed into America during Operation Paperclip. While Grandpa was a key member in developing weapons of mass destruction, shower faucets, and NASA; Grandson Adolf wasn't quite gifted those "superior" genetics.

Instead, he decided to torture the rest of the world by placing non-descript, metal bars on glass doors. Is it push? Is it pull? Is it one of those doors that swing both ways? Wrong! It's a slider.

Some people enjoy watching the world burn; Specifically, Nazis. I guess those are the trade-offs for America's prestigious scientific community…

6…The Guy Who Decided On This Speed Limit

I drove through a neighborhood the other day and saw this:

I mean...I don't even know what to say. The neighborhood was incredible, the people were nothing but nice, everyone's yard was pristine, and the family's there were all kind and beautiful people. The speed limit was only 17 MPH, though.

3/5 stars. Love this place. Would absolutely come back.

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