Yahoo Has Found a New Bae And It Isn’t Sitting Well With Chrissy Teigen
Yahoo has been consistent about what it loves to write about; SNL Skits, Jim Carrey Paintings, Political Articles filled with tweets from people with 100 followers usually trashing Trump, and anything Chrissy Teigen does, especially trashing Trump… But loyalty is DED. Chrissy Teigen has been nothing but Goals AF and this cruel world has shown that even the Mayor of Twitter is replaceable. So who’s the new shiny toy Yahoo can’t stop dreaming and writing about? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), that's who.
Now if you haven’t heard of Ms. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, or AOC as the cool news sites call her, she’s the freshman congresswomen out of the South Bronx. Just saying you’re from the Bronx immediately makes you sound like you have major street cred. Similar to stating I’m from Metro Detroit. Sure the South Bronx has been gentrified so much that it’s referred by some as SoBro but I digress. Ms. AOC has gained Yahoo fame for being the youngest ever US Congresswomen. She’s a proud and self-claimed socialist. Admittedly, Mr. Bigleys is no political expert so I googled, “famous socialist politicians,” annnddd the results weren’t exactly encouraging. Some hot names including Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Castro…but hey, keep shooting and you’re going to hit a couple buckets so why not. I guess Einstein was a pretty well known socialist as well and he was a genius, granted he did fuck his cousin. Anyhow, AOC also has policies, thoughts, ideas, and other things (Fahoo respects women). But most importantly she has a Twitter page and its always shady, as in throwing shade, as in dissing, as in writing things on the internet both aggressively and passive-aggressively, as in what Trump does, as in how LeBron gets all his teammates traded and his coaches fired.
New paragraph: Watching a relationship die is always so hard to look at, but even harder to look away from. Kind of like a solar eclipse. Chrissy Teigen and our stepfather, Yahoo, have had a very well documented relationship together. If Yahoo News could make enough money exclusively reporting on Teigen tweets they would and they’ve tried. But I’ve never seen Teigen show stepfather the same compassion that it showed her. She always thought Yahoo would be there for her like a clingy boyfriend. She was getting attention from other hot sites like TMZ and she wasn’t even trying to hide it from stepfather. I mean sure stepfather isn’t what it once was. It’s made mistakes just like anyone else. One of those mistakes happened to be a $5.7 billion mistake buying Mark Cuban's AudioNet, the company that would revolutionize radio, but that’s no reason to treat it like shit. And just like stepfather Teigen too has taken a steep fall from grace. Yahoo originally fell in love with the Chrissy Teigen supermodel. Stepfather than grew to love how Goals AF her parenting was. Yahoo then completely fell for her and her Trump bashing on Twitter, something she’s so sorry not sorry about. But relationships can sometimes take sharper turns than Bow Wow's career. It all started to crash and burn when Teigen was potentially exposed as an Anti-Semite by a very credible website which we’ll leave the link for here (https://www.fahoonews.com/home/is-chrissy-teigen-an-anti-semitic-gummy-bear-tweet-points-that-way). Yahoo then began to flirt with the new girl in school, one that was just elected as the youngest US Congresswomen ever at 28. She wore red lipstick, hoop earrings, bashed Trump, and was a socialist. Edgy AF.
So what was Teigen to do? Well, she made the desperate decision to try and save the little spark she had left with Yahoo. She pulled out the big guns and did the only thing she thought would save her relationship; She devised a plan that Yahoo has been having wet dreams about for months. She attempted to tag team with AOC by inviting her to watch the Grammy’s by tweeting, “Hello my hero, do you wanna come over and watch the Grammys with us? There will be pizza.” Usually, that does it for Yahoo. They can barely keep themselves together when Chrissy tweets out GOALS AF, QUEEN, YAAASSSSSS, relatable things like eating pizza. Like, are you kidding me, like of course even (former) supermodels eat pizza. Who said no carbs for this girl?!? But it just didn’t feel the same. Maybe, though, just maybe they could still make this work. It would be weird for Yahoo to start a new fling with someone who was becoming friends with their ex. But AOC sniffed this out from a mile away. She came back with an overhand knockout punch when she replied, “Yes! We can live-tweet me burning something in the kitchen.” OMG. Yass, of course, eating pizza is relatable and all but is there anything more relatable than burning your pizza?? Ahhh no!! But to really blow the whole load of icing on the cake, AOC never even showed up to Chrissy’s because according to Teigen herself, “she has better things to do.” Wow. It’s officially over. Yahoo and Teigen are officially done. Good luck with your boy toy TMZ. Once stepmother wins the presidency and becomes our supreme socialist leader, we’ll make sure you, John, and Harvey Levin have nice jobs working in the sewer business. To be fair you will be making the same amount as the ER surgeon.
**A special thanks to this weeks sponsor, ProFlowers. If you need flowers for your Valentine this week just enter the code FahooNews and you’ll get free 1-7 day shipping**