• Mr Bigleys

Would Twitter Threads Have Stopped Hitler?



Contrary to popular belief, I do have some reading capabilities. Even though my bro-shaman, Joe Rogan, swears by listening to audiobooks during 180 degree, 30-minute sauna sessions, I still believe in the old fashioned way of reading - By reading.


To be clear, I'm not shy about my underwhelming literacy rate. I'll be the first to say my reading ability lives in the same zip code as the kid from your 3rd-grade class who kept everyone back from recess until he finished the page. Essentially, it rivals that of only the great Floyd Mayweather...

My literacy shortfalls have plagued me for most of my life. The sole reason I bought a dog from a breeder is because the Michigan Humane Society denied me as a viable candidate. They claim it was due to the "excessive amount of force applied while holding puppies. Risk Level: Lennie Smalls."


...Did you guys catch that? A quick literary joke to build creditability with the audience.



Obviously, I've never actually read Of Mice and Men. I just Googled the SparkNotes and paid Fat Freddy in Twix bars to read them to me at lunch. That kid would do anything for a bite to eat. It's sad knowing he ended up passing away after succumbing to his addiction. I would have never enabled him had I known it would turn out this way. Haven't sold heroin since.


Focus back in…


Despite my combination of a frail attention span, common use of pointer fingers whilst reading, the vacuum of intelligence that occupies my brain space, and the face I make while desperately attempting to understand simple concepts; I do still occasionally finish an entire book.


I legitimately used to do this until my loving mother told me I looked retarded...Love you mom


One specific literary masterpiece that stuck with me was The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. Growing up, I constantly heard people emphasize the importance of building habits. Parents, teachers, coaches - All acting as a single echo chamber stressing it's value.


Yet, no matter how many times habits were discussed, I could never grasp a real understanding of what the word meant. Not even the motivational poster in my high school hallway, inexplicably depicting a man hanging off a cliff with the title "Habits" and subtitle "Build Them," could drill it down.


OHHHHH...I get it.

It wasn't until I read the book that "building habits" finally started to make sense. The way it meticulously broke down the concept unlocked something inside of me. The only problem is that I used this new-found knowledge to effectively and efficiently build a multitude of bad habits; The worst of which takes form as this website.



Batting cleanup in my powerhouse lineup of bad habits is my persistent use of Hitler jokes. Why do I find Hitler jokes so funny, you ask? Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps making light of the worst human being ever to walk this earth is a funny challenge to me, or maybe - just maybe - it's the 71 I scored on my IQ test.

The "borderline” label has, in no way, any relationship to the phrase “borderline retarded.” We prefer the term “Borderline Extremely Low.”


Lately, I've started to compound my bad habit of Hitler "humor" by incorporating it into my disdain towards Twitter threads.


I'm not proud to admit this, but terrible threads own a hefty portion of my mental real estate. It's currently the second-largest shareholder, right behind things Chrissy Teigen says. I think about threads more than any reasonable person should. But with the amount of energy I've spent thinking about this cyst of society, I've come to realize that it's not the Twitter threads that I necessarily hate; it's the people that typically post them....


"Libtards!"


Jesus Christ - Relax, guy. Let's not turn this into a political post. This article is about the führer.


IT'S MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO CARRY ARMS!

Who let this guy in my article? Will security escort him out of here? Who's in charge of this shithole website? Where are you even going with this?


Listen, man, I don't have an issue with guns, but that protest against wearing masks that you're about to attend may not be the best time to break out the sick new rifle you bought from America's finest artillery dealer - Dick's Sporting Good's. Sure, the names pretty queer, but you can't deny the selection.


I mean, just imagine if Einstein furiously jacked off while explaining his Theory of Relativity. No matter how strong the evidence was, it would be hard to focus on anything other than his frivolous self-love, or in this case, your rifle...


Reel it back in, Bigleys...


The people I'm referring to (thread posters) are the suburban(ese) women who continue to flood my timeline with threads explaining why it's ok to be a shitty person 6 out of the 7 days in a week.

I understand that most Twitter threads are trying their best to help, but it's hard to take them seriously when it's immediately followed up by a horoscope post. You're not emotionally unstable because it's Leo SZN. You're emotionally unstable because your dad bought you the silver Mercedes instead of the red one.

That being said, I've arrived at a point in my life where I view these threads through the lens of Hitler. It's really quite humorous if you're into that kind of thing. But after running through these thought experiments, it left me wondering: Would Hitler be the person he ultimately became had he lived in an era with Twitter threads? I'll let you decide:



**The scene: Hitler's having a tough day when, out of nowhere, the perfect thread comes across his feed**

**Hitler excitedly swipes left**


-Do I...Do I have to send out thank you cards? I'm not sure if you read about me, but...

-I learned that perhaps I went a tad too far on the whole "superior race" thing.

-It took nearly 6 million mistakes to realize that I should have stuck with art.



Ugh - Love this rule.



But...I'm a Taurus..



Fine...I promise to "do better." Shouldn't be that difficult...



*cough cough* McGraw-Hill...



Ehhh...arguable.



Skip.


Space....I can give space.


...and they always tried labeling my ability to move on and forgive myself as "psychopathic behavior."



Consider it let go.





**Someone please cancel me so I can stop writing for this site**

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