Well, I Guess I'm Gay
Updated: Jan 10
When I woke up - today felt like any other day. I rolled out of bed, took a shower, got ready for work, and hopped in my car to drive to the office. Little did I know, something seismic had happened while I was snoozing. I was quickly made aware by all the Instagram stories that Spotify had released its 2019 personalized recaps. I've been a member of the exclusive Premium Club since 2016, so I was very familiar with this recap. It's always fun to look back on the songs and artists that played such a significant role during that year.
Being the cold-stone killer that I am, I expected the usual from my recap: a lot of rap. It started just about how I expected; My number 1 artist of 2019 was that pretty motherfucker, A$AP Rocky. But then…then something happened that made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. I found out…Well, I found out that I'm gay.
Following my number 1 artist, I discovered that I was genre-fluid. I always kind of knew I was music genre bi-curious. I didn't talk about it and would always make excuses when pop songs came on during car rides with friends. "Jason Derulo? Oh, yeah, that chick I smashed last weekend probably just added it to my playlist. Yeah, nah, take that gay shit off my likes."
That wasn't true, though. Jason Derulo has the voice of an angel, and apparently, the dick of Thor, according to his last IG pic that was taken down. Even though I didn't know I was gay, there was no more denying it when I continued with my recap. I made it to the page that shows my favorite genres. I figured I knew what I would see - rap. But then it happened:
"I can explain that," I thought to myself, "Spotify probably considers all new rap, pop-rap. They only classify Tupac, Biggie, Big L, Wu-Tang Clan, and other gangster rappers as "real" rap. Everything else they simply lump together into this lazy genre they call pop-rap."
I was in denial, but then it happened; Something that made it clear as day. The only thing that would have certified my gayness more is if I woke up and immediately started sucking dick:
So, I guess you can say I'm pretty fucking gay. Looking back, all the signs were there. When I was a child, I would tell my parents that I'd never like girls. I also do cardio at the gym, and that's pretty gay. When I wake up in the morning, I always have a boner. Who's the only person in that bed? Me - a guy. My favorite characters on Modern Family? You guessed it: The gay couple. My favorite rap artist this year is that pretty motherfucker. Who did I rear end last night getting onto the highway? A gay dude. Don't believe me?
As a newly discovered gay man, I'd like to be the first to say that pop-rap is a very masculine genre of music. I'd also like to say that I'm excited to live my new life as a gay guy. I'm sure there's plenty of perks: I've never met a poor, gay guy. Granted, I haven't met many poor people at all. I'm sure I'll get a lot of compliments at all the gay bars I'm about to hit up, so that's tight. I get to use the word fag again. It used to be frowned upon, but when a gay guy says it like myself, well, that's just hilarious.
Yeah…you know what? I'm proud to be apart of the LGBTQRSTUVWXYandZ team. Sure, the whole butt thing is going to be a little uncomfortable, but whatever. If I suffered writing for this miserable site the past year, it can't be much worse.
Overall, am I psyched to be gay? I don't know, I definitely thought I was into chicks, but that's really not my choice to make. I didn't choose this life, Spotify did. All in all, I'm just happy I don't have Apple Music. At least I have something to post about, am I right?
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