Thanks to the exceptional reporters at FaHoo, we were able to access next week's odd's on who's most likely to be canceled. Besides, with no sports we have to find something to bet on. Here's our guide on how to navigate the gambling waters:
Lady Justice (+75)
Overview - We all know that bitch isn’t blind…
Final Advice - When betting opens, expect Lady Justice to see a lot of action quickly. I recommend getting in on this one early before the odds start leaning the other way. Besides, imagine how much fun it would be to tear this statue down…I’m gonna say it…I’m gonna say it….SHE WON’T EVEN SEE IT COMING!
Scooby Doo (+270)
Overview - The cops hand over cases to 4 white suburban kids and their fucking dog to go and arrest people performing petty crimes. Meanwhile, the police turn a blind eye to Shaggy and Scooby getting lit out of their fucking minds off those Scooby snacks as they proceed to ruin a guy's life who just wanted to scare off some meddling kids. Let's not even mention the fact that having weed back then could result in some serious time.
When I first saw the odds, I didn't understand why they were so low. After doing some research, I realized they're precisely the unarmed force that many activists are now asking for. Instead of having armed police officers light up ghouls and goblins after one of them "reached for their firearm," these five take a much more peaceful approach.
Final Advice - Avoid this bet, it smells like a trap.
Leo DiCaprio (-250)
Overview - Twitter’s been aiming for some monsters lately - Joe Rogan, Jimmy Kimmel, Justin Bieber - all to no avail. The cancel party is looking for a big name, and I think Leo is it. See, Justin Bieber is young, married, and has a massive online following willing to back him. Leo, on the other hand, is getting up there in age and is known for running through ladies much younger than him.
In today's world, it's a FACT that using your money and status (outside of the workplace) to sway younger women is problematic. Personally, this is great news for me. I'm a hard six out of ten, have no money, and still live with my parents at age 26. By limiting rich people's ability to use their stardom and monetary advantage over me, we're finally on an even playing field.
So, to the girl who cheated on me with a much richer, more successful, powerful, overall better looking human being, and superstar professional athlete: I forgive you. It wasn't your fault. I would have blown him had I had the chance too...
Final Advice - If I had to place my money anywhere, it’s here. All we have to find is one accusation and this guy’s toast.
Santa Claus (+2000)
Overview - This guy has been skipping over poverty-ridden neighborhoods for centuries, yet nobody seems to bat an eye. It’s time this fat fuck faces his maker - Twitter. Lucky for him, though, Christmas is a way’s out. Canceling him this early would be a strategic mistake.
Final Advice - Wait, what? Yeah…yeah, I knew he wasn’t real. I was just joking around like that time I pretended to believe Paw Patrol actually got cancelled for having a police dog.
UPDATE: Santa has been taken off the board. No bets will be taken.
Jesus Christ (+400)
Overview - White, black, middle-eastern, Jewish, Christian, not real: this guy can’t decide what he wants to be. It’s time we let him know he can’t just change colors and ethnicities to manipulate whoever it is in front of him.
Final Advice - Luckily for him, he’s the Lord Our Savior so it’ll be tough. I’d lay off this one.
Star Wars (+205)
Overview - Sure, they added a couple of diverse characters in the Star Wars franchise, but that franchise is also the same one that's based off a father who just so happens to wear a black suit, leaves his son to fend for himself, starts a gang, and hires all whites. I can't say they inserted that stereotype on purpose, but their subconscious certainly did…
Final Advice - Rumors are already swirling about Disney pulling 3 of the films from the franchise presumably because they sucked...I’m not sure, I’ve never seen them. But that doesn’t mean we, cancel culture, can’t get ahead of the issue and warp the narrative to how we want to view it.
That being said, Disney might hit us with an okie doke and say a black man hiring all white henchmen is empowering in ways. Sort of like when Bubba Gump's mom hires a white maid to take care of her estate. Still worth a flyer pick in my opinion.
Robert Downey Jr. (-300)
Overview - There have been attempts at RDJ before for his use of blackface in Tropic Thunder, but with the recent wave of cancellation parties, this one could make a triumphant return. There are no statute of limitations when it comes to cancellations, and double jeopardy is fair game. It doesn’t matter if they’re making a parody about how Hollywood would rather hire a white guy and use blackface than cast an actual black actor; Blackface is blackface.
Final Advice - All that said, my guys in Vegas are telling me Leo is the better value pick. I think this play could make some noise, but I’m sticking with the wise guys.
Hitler (Even)
Overview - This one’s well overdue. I don’t think there’s been an official cancellation party, YET.
Final Advice - Personally, I’ll be parlaying Hitler, Leo, and Star Wars. Chances of hitting all are slim, but I'm betting for morally superior reasons.
Dogs (+650)
Overview - There’s a lot of dog lovers on the internet - that’s no secret. But what people continue to ignore is the canine species never-ending sexual abuse towards BOTH men and women. They’re like adorable mini Epstein’s.
Final Advice - When I was a young child, I was at my aunt's Christmas party when her dog pinned me to the ground and repeatedly stroked his red rocket back and forth, all over my new sweater. My family just watched and laughed - no one ever helped. It was devastating; I'll never forget it. For that reason and that reason only, I'll be placing a heavy wager on this one.
Real Life Me (+4000)
Overview - It would take a miracle, but you never know who may get cancelled next.
This past weekend [whilst (my new favorite word) blackout], I posted a picture on my story with a #COVIDtour2020. I always like to think real-life me is a much more toned down, less ignorant version of the Mister Bigleys character that I've built for this site…and then I do things like that. If anyone deserves to be taken out by COVID, let's be honest - it's probably me.
Final Advice - I’ll be placing a small wager on this one because you should always bet on yourself. Especially if yourself is a scumbag.
Katie, Tiffany, Madison, Vanessa, Jessica, Stephanie, Caitlyn, Allison, Samantha, Mackenzie, Rachel, Heather, Megan, Amanda, Hannah, Danielle, Brandi, Jenny, Melissa, Lauren, Taylor, and Amber (+10,000)
Overview - I mentioned this in my last article, but like my father, I'm not afraid to repeat myself 20 times over again. It's going to be tough to cancel every girl on IG, but that's what they deserve for blowing up everyone's timeline with tie-dye shirts while giving no credit to the Asian culture. Did you know tie-dye originates in Asia? No? That's because you're an ignorant piece of shit.
Final Advice - Always bet the underdog.
Kyle Korver (+600)
Overview - Strictly for having hair like this and playing 17+ years in the NBA. I’m not sure what that means or how it makes him deserving of a cancellation party, but I figure we can find some reason.
Final Advice - Although tempting, he did write a very kind letter about being privileged back in 2019; Back before listening and learning was the cool thing to do. But if this motherfucker even makes one small misstep, I’m coming for him.
Trump (O.T.B.)
Trump has been taken off the board. He’s effectively been canceled every single day on Twitter since before he was even elected, both deservedly and undeservedly so.
Unfortunately, the cancellations have gotten so oversaturated that he could drop a hard -er during a press conference, and it would take me a few days to look into it because I would assume it was exaggerated.
That being said, Trump’s odds are set at +120, slightly behind Biden at -140, to win the presidential election. If the Democratic party blows yet another run at this, they should immediately be dismantled, and a new third party should take its place. The incompetence of Trump scares me, but the Democratic party's inability to beat Trump for a second election in a row - especially with what’s going on - may scare me more.
Final Advice - Jesus Christ, just give us someone who can form a sentence…Or Air Bud.