Two Degenerate Nun’s Heater Comes to an End

Recently, two nuns in California were caught for embezzling over $500,000 from St. James Catholic School for their own use of gambling and badass vacations. When the archdiocese was asked for comment on the matter his response was, “Wait what did they do? That's it? Yeah shit, I don’t give a fuck.” Parents have demanded that money be returned with findings like these. Teachers were also outraged as one of the nuns, the former principal, denied that there was money to spare for any wage raises. When Sister Kreuper and Sister Chang were confronted by the angry group of teachers and parents they proceeded to lift up their skirts only to show two matching, “Only God Can Judge Me,” tattoos on their lower backs.

Perhaps the nuns were progressive thinkers, something the Catholic church has arguably been on the opposite side of. The report shows that they did, indeed, recycle some of their money back into the school. To be fair the nuns had an edge, an insider, and the best know handicapper of all time: God. When it comes down to it this shows that the Catholic church continues to live in the past. These nuns were ahead of their time. No more passing a basket around begging for money. They were handed the 1950-2000 Sports Almanac (Back to the Future reference for all you uncultured swine) and used it to make an ungodly amount of money. When Fahoo news asked the two nuns for comment they said, “It would be a real shame if the good samaritans who came forward with the information happened to be bumped off.” Sounds like God has a contract on someone's life.

As a good Christian site we would like to end this story in the lord's prayer: Our Father, Who art in Heaven, tell us Monday Football’s winners name; Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Seattle. Give us this day our daily winner; and forgive us losers as we forgive those who take our money; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from losing. Amen.