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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

Think Terminal Cancer Is Tough? Try Being A Nurse.

Updated: Jan 10, 2020

I’ve long had a suspicion of the nursing profession. I began to notice the peculiar personalities of nurses back in middle school. Many of my friend’s mothers who were nurses (not sexist) came across as generally sad people, like Elisabeth Moss in Get Him To The Greek.

10/10 Punchable Face

Who was I to judge, though? Perhaps they were just forced to stay up TWELVE straight hours for a shift. Maybe they just finished a long three day work week. The only thing I was certain of was that negativity seeped out of them like the nucleus of a herniated lumbar disc.

Between middle school and now, I’ve managed to avoid nurses at all costs. Having been born superior to others, my machine of a body has cured any sign of an ailment without the intervening of a health professional. I was only recently reintroduced to the breed after I began to see an influx of bitching from aspiring nurses that I went to high school with. I was then sent an article from FaHoo contributor, Gordo Cox. It was an article from our stepfather, Yahoo, titled, “Black eyes, bruised limbs and concussions: Why nurses say going into work is like ‘walking into a war zone.”

To me, it sounded a tad dramatic. Sure, nurses see some crazy shit, but there’s an argument to be made that getting shit thrown at you by a homeless man is better than having your Humvee blown up. But really, what the fuck do I know?

Despite my preconceived notions, I grew up with the attitude to never judge a person until you spend a day in their shoes, and what better way to experience the life of another than Twitter? I dove into the depths of nurse hashtags to get a better feel. I wanted to bring what I learned to the attention of the 7 people who read FaHoo:

1…They’re Both Selfless & Humble

Tia unselfishly shows up to work on a Friday
Thank you for your service

Ew, homeless people
Donna sacrificing for us (Note the very humble image)

2…They're Emotionally Stable

If you're anything like me than you like your nurses like you like your women: With massive holes in their emotional and overall mental well being:

Coral proves upward mobility is still a thing: Soon she'll be tweeting from an iPhone

You'll see crying is a common trend
Imagining this scene and her tweeting about it makes me smile

Better at the review than the test, am I right?
9:05 AM Breakdown

I'm sure she never brings it up during conversation.
"Some live, most don't." With the average mortality rate of hospitals in the US being 6.8%, this statement stands true.

3...Posting About Studying Is a Full Time Job In And Of Itself

Could you imagine having to work 34 hours?
I'll say what you can't, Makayla: Your sister sounds like a grade-A cunt

Risky coffee cup placement

10/10 Punchable Haircut
Another Study Station Pic

4...They Were Unaware That They Had To Work Following Graduation

(Insert Selfie)
Not trying to make a big deal about it

Since Amanda's social life was murdered, she gets her hangovers exclusively from work

So, is nursing tougher to survive than cancer? Arguably, yes, but I can't say for sure. What I will say is that nurse Twitter is cancer; A form of cancer that only nurses can cure, but when they do, they'll let you know about it.

Oh, what's that, nurse in the back? I'll see if that's how I feel when I need a nurse to save my life?

Listen, if I'm bleeding out from my femoral artery with only a nurse to save me, I'm taking a hard pass. Don't touch me. I refuse to allow you to use me as Twitter clout, nor will I ever thank you. I'd rather die than have you hold this over my head.

With all that said, I'll close on this: When someone constantly talks about the good things they're doing, I sometimes question their humble motives. Maybe it's the skeptic or hater inside of me. So, here's a pro tip for the nurses out there: Magnesium isn't always the best thing to cure that constant headache you have, sometimes simply shutting the fuck up works fine.

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