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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

The US Government Has Unleashed It’s Next Step to Make America Exclusive Again (MAEA)

It’s no secret what thinks of the governments marketing strategies as of late: GENIUS. Bigleys won’t go back into detail of how Make America Exclusive Again (MAEA) and NASA have revolutionized the way governments brand themselves but, you can read about it by clicking here or here. The MAEA initiative has taken the next step to preserve the American brand. They’ve done so by requiring visa applicants to include their social media handles on their application. It is estimated that 710,000 immigrant visa applications and 14 million nonimmigrant visa applicants would be affected — including business and student travelers. I stole that last sentence from the one article I read, word for word.

Is this 'exclusification' of 'Merica necessary? Must we go this far? The answer is simply, yes. Why do you think brands like Gucci, Louis Vuitton, and Burberry destroy billions of dollars worth of merchandise every year? That’s correct. So ugly, poor people don’t get the opportunity to wear those brands. Not only does it preserve the brand but it stimulates the economy through the “Bootstrap Theory.” By restricting the poor, ugly people from high-end items, us rich people inspire those subhumans to grab themselves by the bootstraps and work so that they can, one day, be rich and beautiful like us.

So what's the specifics of the new visa program? Although it’s not public, FaHoo has confirmed insiders who have allowed us to peek inside the process. The requirements follow as such:

1. Must have over 20k followers. A special exception will only be made for those with proof of being hacked at 20k followers.

2. Must have a blue check. No blue check, no ‘Merica.

3. Must have a plane emoji in bio BUT the plane emoji must be headed towards an airport name (i.e. LAX) not emoji buildings. To keep dem damn turrists out.

4. A follower to following ratio must be over a 4.

5. Women must have height and where to send inquiries to in bio.

6. Must have “Positive Vibes Only” in either your bio or a recent image description.

7. Must post daily inspirational quotes on Instagram ONLY in English. Yew kerm to hour kuntry trying to teake er jerbs you beter speek the DAM LANGWAGE.

8. Sponsorship by FashionNova is an automatic YAS.

That's right, America is going all in on influencers. By targeting the influencers of the world, America will build an aesthetically pleasing timeline. The White House asks that America is patient with MAEA. In a press release they have said, "soon enough, less important people will be allowed in too." America’s plan isn’t to corner itself into a niche market like a Louis Vuitton or North Korea. Rather, in a way, we’re going for the Nike plan — We have our high-end exclusive, limited edition sneakers, but we also give poor people the chance to wear our shoes if they can fit into the size 15 on the JC Penny clearance rack. So there. Happy? Even the monetary deficient get a chance.

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