My Top 10 Most Urgent Questions About Life
Since the dawn of time, humans have pondered life's most profound questions. Whether it was Aristotle or the average Joe, everyone is on a pursuit to find a deeper understanding of life. Unfortunately, most of us will die without ever uncovering the answers that we seek. Maybe it's a curse, or perhaps that's the beauty of life. After thinking about this, I decided to write down the questions that meant most to me. I dove deep into the depths of my brain and decided on these ten questions:
1…Why Did James Blunt Say "Fucking High" at 1:45 of You're Beautiful?
In arguably the funniest moment in musical history, the soft-spoken James Blunt made the seismic decision to say "fucking high" at minute mark 1:45 on his love ballet and massive hit; You're Beautiful. The reason you don't remember this is because the radio version uses "flying high." Luckily for you, when a 10-year-old Bigleys came across this explicit gem, he quickly memorized exactly where that single "fuck" was. Why'd James do it? What was the motive behind that oddly placed swear word? Is that his only fuck given? Why does he hit such a high note when he sings it? Fifteen years I've been searching for the meaning of that fuck, and it doesn't feel like I'm going to find out anytime soon.
2…Why Does A Microwave Minute Take So Long?
This past weekend, I found myself getting sucked into yet another YouTube black hole. Ironically, this black hole of uselessness involved Einstein's discovery of Spacetime. I watched video after video trying to comprehend the complexity of Albert's brilliance. Rather than spending 45 minutes watching a single, in-depth video on the topic, I smartly decided to use a shortcut and watch 20 separate, 5 minute, "quick explanation" videos. After finishing the last whiteboard animated explainer video available, I had a breakthrough: Maybe I'm just retarded. That had to be it because no matter how many thought experiments were presented to me, I still had no fucking idea what was going on.
One might ask why I spent over an hour and a half trying to understand Spacetime. The reason: To see if I could make a connection between Einstein's Spacetime and a microwave minute. I shit you not, that is a 100% a true statement.
Despite my alarmingly low IQ, I think I'm on to something. I have a sneaking suspicion there's a link between gravitational time dilation and a microwave minute. For those who don't know, gravitational time dilation basically says that time moves slower as gravity increases. The larger the mass, the larger the gravitational pull. The closer you get to that mass, the more you'll be affected by its gravity.
So, as I sit 2 feet away from the microwave — staring into the gridded window like a child looking out of a plane window for the first time — my fat ass causes a gravitational pull, slowing down time. To create an equation to explain this phenomenon, I've written down some variables that I believe could play a key role. They include the number of mini-explosions while the food is cooking, actual minutes, and how close you're standing to the microwave. It took Einstein 10 years to work out all the kinks in his Spacetime equation. With the help of FaHoo readers, I think we could figure out the microwave minute in half that time.
3… Who's Still Listening In 20XX?
Internet comment sections are the Kardashians of the worldwide web — They're so entertaining, yet intrinsically worthless. One of my favorite types of comment lives under the YouTube videos of old bangers (AKA songs, for the elderly reading this). Go to any old tune you used to love, and you'll find, "Who's still listening in 20XX?" I guess it's only right to ask, who's still reading this article in 2022?
4…Do Kids Who Wear Etnies, or Osiris Shoes Have An Increased Chance Of Shooting Up A School?
It's a legitimate question… I've never seen a school shooter rocking a fresh pair of Jordans.
5…Did Blippi Have The Greatest Rebrand Of All Time?
For those of you who don't know who Blippi is, let me introduce you. Blippi is a 30-something-year-old YouTube sensation who makes videos for children. He boasts nearly 7 million subscribers and has over 325 million views on his most popular video. I liken him to a Steve type character from Blue's Clues' had Steve went fucking ape shit, tore Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper's heads off, and snorted their insides. Nevertheless, kids fucking love this guy.
Now, I understand that you're probably wondering why I know so much about a children's YouTube show. Well, that's really none of your business…What I will say is that this guy has quite the past. Before Blippi was Blippi, he went by the moniker, Steezy Grossman. Believe it or not, Steezy Grossman's target market wasn't exactly Blippi's target audience. Honestly, I'm not even sure who his target market was. All that really needs to be said is that Steezy took a shit on his friends chest for a Harlem Shake video. I won't make you watch the video, BUT Katie Notopoulous of BuzzFeed news did draw a rendition of the incident:
To be fair, Blippi did say he "regrets" the incident. I, for one, believe we should give the guy a pass. We all mistakes in life, am I right? Some of us major in art history and others shit on our friends chest for the sake of comedy. Who am I to say one is worst than the other? By the looks of the 14 million views he received on his last video, I think it's fair to say parents everywhere have forgiven Blippi. Well, that or having your kid watch Steezy Grossman is way easier than being forced to actually interact with your child…
6…How Do You Grammar?
Commas, dashes, semicolons, verbs, words —;, it's all too much. I've always been more of an idea man than an execution guy. Even my Grammarly account finds me completely hopeless. Like the rest of my life, I'm winging this shit.
7…Why Are CVS Receipts So Long?
Fucking CVS…I swear to God this is the only store that can turn a 3-minute trip into a 45-minute event. Like any sane person, I only ever walk in there for three things:
1) Eye drops for when I get high
2) Condoms to pretend like I'm about to have sex
3) Plan B to act like I had sex
It's like every time I walk into this Goddam store; I'm guaranteed to get stuck behind the lady who doesn't understand the concept of a coupon expiration date. When I finally make it to the counter, I have to sit and watch a 30 foot long receipt print out for the single item I just bought. I mean, unless I can return this Plan B after nine months, I don't plan on ever using this receipt. Now I'm stuck in a predicament — Do I awkwardly walk out of the store knowing the cashier will have to wait another five full minutes until this receipt prints or do I wait with her and break the ice with the same joke I make every time: "Boy, it's crazy that we can abort a baby, but we can't abort this receipt, haha."
8…Should We Bully Adults With Braces?
These 40 year-olds with braces think they're sneaky, don't they? Just the other day, I had an important meeting with my district manager. Wouldn't you know it, this 37-year-old comes trotting in with gear strapped to her mouth. Am I not supposed to say something? Is it my fault that I felt a massive urge to make her cry? Are we going to pretend like this full-grown adult doesn't look like an over-sized 13-year-old? Did I step over the line when I offered everyone a piece of gum besides her, so she didn't break the train tracks running through her mouth? Honestly, I'm not sure if anyone can answer those questions.
What I do know is this: In a world where Invisiline exists, there's no excuse for a full-grown adult wearing braces. You can't just skip the awkward phase that the rest of us experienced, opt-out of paying the small extra fee for Invisiline, and expect us not to bully you. I had braces during a time in my life when a bumpy bus ride was a major boner hazard. We're talking about a period when my own mother cropped me out of the Christmas card three years straight because of what she referred to as "aesthetic reasons." And really, when it comes down to it, I wouldn't want them to miss out on a chance to become mentally tougher. I mean, look at me; I turned out fine.
On the surface, the question "who?" appears to be a pretty straight forward question. If you're unfamiliar with Yahoo comment culture, then you have every right to take this three-letter question for exactly what it is. Those of us who live in the comment trenches, though, know that "who?" transcends into so much more. Not only is it a straight forward question, but also a sick diss for rappers who overdose. I've made it a goal of mine to answer every "who?" that I see in the comment section, in hopes to answer this burning life question:
10…Does Cris Collinsworth Slide-In Himself Or Does An Assigned Intern Push Him?
When I came across this highlight video, I was ecstatic. Finally, someone else noticed the greatest entrance of all time. Is he pushing himself, or being tossed like a curling stone?
**Special thanks to Grammarly.com for fixing all of my grammar issues. I guarantee there's not a single grammatical mistake in this article**