The Quarantine Cocktail Book
Is the quarantine finally getting to you? Don't know when you'll be able to roam freely? Missing your friends? Here at FaHoo, we're not taking the time to mope and express our feelings to others in a meaningful way. Fuck that, am I right!? Am I...am I right?
Instead, try these five, fun and frisky drink recipes. They're guaranteed to leave you asking what exactly it was that took you so long to take action in the first place:
1…The Morning After Cleanser
Lotta fucking going on during this lockdown, at least, that's what I've been told...I wouldn't know...BUT, since I have fucked once before, I know that uneasy feeling not knowing if you pulled out on time.
It's not your fault - you hadn't jacked off in nearly 8 hours. You were backed up, and honestly, 47 seconds was pretty impressive. Don't you let her tell you otherwise, King.
With the current situation at hand, you're left in quite the predicament. Spending $60 on Plan B was not in the initial budgeting plan for that $1200 stimulus check you just received. Plus, it would be irresponsible as a potential new father to take the risk of contracting COVID at CVS.
Can't go promising God that you'll never have unprotected sex again if he murders that baby egg for you. Last time was the fifth time, and if he audits your prayers, you're so fucked. Lucky for you, FaHoo has a plan C:
2 oz Drano
1 oz RoundUp Weed Killer (Ortho as an alternative)
2-3 dashes of Rohto Eye Drops
Serve on a Bounce Fabric Softener Napkin (to freshen up after puking)
99% of the time, I think this will take care of the issue. And on the small percentage that a little guy still comes out, well…at least he’ll really be your special little guy.
2…The Holy Trinity
Had a long day at the home office? Did you get off late and now have to play catchup with the roommates - your parents? Whip up a Holy Trinity to get things moving. This drink uses our patented combination of 3 cleaners so that even the smell will have you asking, "should we open a wind...."
1.5 oz Bleach
1 oz Ammonia
1 oz Vinegar
Splash of Pine Sole for taste
Pour over ice.
3…The Spic And Span Margarita
Looking for something to wash down those tacos this Tuesday, or Saturday, or whatever day it is? Whip up a pitcher of this classic to get the whole family yelling AY CARAMBA!
2 Cups Ice
6 oz Mrs. Meyers Lemon Verbena Multi-Surface Cleaner (Organic-YUM!!)
4 oz Orange Glo Wood Cleaner & Shiner (Little Orange Flair!)
3 oz Original Citrus Poo-Pourri
Moisten the rim of a glass with a Clorox wipe, then dip it in a plate of Oxy-Clean, twist to coat. Pour away.
Voila! I mean, LISTO!
4…The Bloody Johnny
Ehhh, what do you care? You’re working from home! Well, that or you’ve been laid off. Either way, add a little spice to your day and try one of our house-famous Bloody Johnny’s.
1.5 oz rubbing alcohol
3/4 cup of Johnny Wooten Super Red Degreaser
1 Teaspoon Bath Salts
Dash of fish food flakes for some spice
Garnish to your liking, but we recommend a tide pod, Big Cheese Rat Killer, and a slice of bacon if you’re feeling bad.
5…The Alter Ego Mojito
First, grab a shaker filled with ice. Fill the shaker with the following ingredients:
2 oz Colgate Optic White Mouthwash
1.5 oz Better Life Toilet Bowl Cleaner (Organic & Peppermint)
Touch of Crest 3D Toothpaste
Cover and shake vigorously for 20 seconds, or until bubbles begin to form. When finished, use an Air Delight Herbal Mint Urinal Screener to pour through for flavor purposes. Garnish with a Little Tree Peppermint car freshener and top it off with some Chlorine and/or pool water; Depending on how crazy you’re feeling.
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