The Parody of Real Life and Why The Gay’s Are To Blame For COVID
Updated: Dec 18, 2020
Sorry, my editor insisted that I add that last part to garner more clicks. Sure - you could judge me for selling out via clickbait titles, but the fact that you're currently reading this says a lot more about you than me. Go ahead, think about that...you piece of shit.
Anyhow, it's been nearly nine months since nationwide quarantines have shut down the country. During that time, a lot has happened, including the erosion of both my mind and society, respectively. There was a time B.C. (before COVID) when I enjoyed writing humorous articles, but the Redditfication of America has taken that small glimmer of light away from me.
In today's world, formerly respected CEOs, politicians, and people of power, who once worked meticulously to manage their image, have since turned to a demented form of shitposting as a means to show how witty and smart they are...
I thought AOC was supposed to be one for the common people? If that's the case, leave the haha's, funnies, and clapbacks to the citizens who lived with their parents until they were twenty-six. With all that time you'll save from your new clapback abstinence, go do actual government stuff. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, is this a sneak peek into the future once TikTok star's inevitably take over high-level government official positions? Life's going to shit, and we're selling fucking overpriced tee shirts?
With everyday life mutating into a never-ending episode of South Park, there's nothing left to make fun of.
What's next? Will Batman join the mass exodus from big cities, leaving Gotham for a more tax-friendly Texas? Batman can't survive in Texas. He doesn't even have real superpowers. The guy fights drug addicts stealing old ladies' purses and a severely mentally ill clown. You're telling me a man in leotards is going to thrive in a location that legally enables its citizens to shoot repo men for taking back something that isn't paid for...
...and what about Santa? We might as well cancel him this year for breaking COVID protocol as well as disproportionally skipping over majority black neighborhoods for centuries now.
...humor - it's all I had. I had one thing…ONE THING that kept me sane during this, and the politicians even took that from me. How am I expected to parody, parody? It's certainly not working out for SNL...
I'll admit it: Initially, I was fine with the lockdown. I knew I wouldn't lose my job; I'm actually employable. But since it started affecting the lives of those around me, my life is now, too, going to shit.
Due to financial hardships, my mother and father have been forced to move into a shed I built for them in my backyard. Forty years of saving for retirement has been wiped clean from their bank account. Now it's on me to make sure they live.
Luckily, with Amazon's expansion and their ever-growing presence in our everyday lives, I've acquired an Amazon Dash button that sends a drone to drop swill into their feeding bowls, twice a day, at the push of a button; Limits our exposure to each other.
With my money and hobbies now depleted, I've been forced to find other ways to fill my time. Most recently, I've picked up hunting. See, B.C. (Before COVID) I used to take pride in my ability to manipulate "friendships" so that I could take advantage and gain something beneficial for myself. But with human contact now being illegal, I've had to learn how to refocus my manipulative energy.
For seven months leading up to Thanksgiving, I took it upon myself to befriend a deer that would frequent my backyard. For seven full months, I fed, pet, and earned the trust of Lucy.
When Thanksgiving finally came around, I invited the family over for a get-together. With the whole gang crowded around the sliding glass door - niece (3 years old) and nephew (5) directly in the front - I went outside to show them my new trick. The second Lucy bowed her head to eat her favorite treat - Flaming Hot Cheetos - I drew the pistol I bought during the first wave and blew her brains out.
At this point, you might be thinking, "Are you a psycho? Why would you subject your family to something so horrific?"
...not my fault they saw; shouldn't have been there in the first place. They're the self-centered pricks risking Americans' well-being by partaking in such a gathering...scumbags.
Besides, what are they going to do? Call the cops and explain how they witnessed a deer murder while congregating with 8+ people? Only if they want to ride to the station next to me…
What else is there to do, honestly? Now that celibacy is the law, I haven't seen a member of the opposite sex in nearly a year. My friends used to call me "The Quibi of Sex." A few unenthusiastic pumps and I was done in a Quibi.
When my partner inevitably asked, "Is that seriously it?" Chance the Rapper would bust into the room and announce that she just got Punk'd. He'd later scold me on what it meant to be a good Christian and go on these weird rants about how much he loved his wife. Either way - similar to Quibi - my sex life is out of business.
Now…well now, I just vacuum a lot - always when my roommate is home. There's a lot of similarities between sex and vacuuming. Both feel incredible when you're doing it yourself, but nothing is worse than having to listen to someone else do it. I take pleasure in his pain.
"What about Instagram? You could spend your time on that," screams a woman in the back.
Instagram!? If I have to see one more post about how now's the perfect time to work on YOU, do something creative, and work towards that dream you always had, Vegas is going to move the over/under of years remaining on my life from 5.5 years to 1.5 months. Which, by the way, due to my recent article, I now fully understand the reasoning behind all these "failed" suicide attempts.
I could barely garner a single laugh during my past two years writing for this God-forsaken site...talk about how I'm going to off myself once and all of a sudden, I'm a young Dave Chappelle.
B.S. - Before (Hypothetical) Suey
A.D. - After (Hypothetical) Death
As much as I'd rather not admit it, I did end up taking that advice to follow a dream during quarantine. With the lockdown in full effect, I took the time to slow down and really look around me. When one thing crumbles, new opportunities arise. That's why I started my own consulting firm, Bigley's Consulting LLC., specifically designed to help companies develop safe and effective COVID bubbles for their sweatshop workers.
No one thinks about the compromised immune systems these slave children developed from vitamin D deficiencies from lack of sunlight and asbestos induced asthma. With my vision and our recent explosion in growth, Bigleys Consulting LLC has been able to sign long-term contracts with the likes of Nike, Victoria's Secret, GAP, and more.
Am I ranting? I think I'm ranting. Like the government officials deciding on these shutdowns, I, too, have no real vision or reasoning behind most of the decisions I've made in this article.
Maybe I'm too on edge when it comes to all of this. Just last week, I was having a conversation with a middle-aged man who innocently referred to himself as being in "pretty good shape" for his age.
His statement was completely legitimate, mind you. The guy was pretty healthy for his over-the-hill age. Unfortunately - and I'm not sure if it was due to the outbreak in a Filipino Nike sweatshop I was consulting for or the 2 Bang energy drinks and 30 mg of Adderall I took within the hour - but I overstepped. "Yeah, and Rainman was smart for a retard. He was still a fucking retard" I replied. Completely unwarranted, I'll admit it. I don't even know that means.
Like anyone, I'm physically and emotionally worn out from this pandemic. I mean, God handed us COVID on a golden platter, and what do we do? We play God and start saving lives. You don't see me running around, subbing in for LeBron during the NBA playoffs, bricking three-pointers because I think he should shoot more outside J's...Has anyone considered that maybe He (God) was doing us a favor? Leave expert work to the experts. Maybe we needed a cleanse...
I'm not talking about anyone you or I know, of course. I'm not a psycho. I'm talking about the other people…the Gays.
Seriously, I'm talking about the 169,000 people who watch Wendy Williams for life advice. Sounds cruel, but can't we all agree life would proceed smoothly without them? Their contribution to society is a net negative.
All I'm saying is that COVID has killed 302,000 Americans; That's only 0.0009% of the entire population. You're the irrational one if you don't think we're doing too good of a job. It's simply analytics.
For example, approximately thirty people, on average, show up to my family holiday party. These are people, mind you, with who I share DNA. That being said, I can easily name five of my own family members who probably deserve to contract a strong strand of COVID. That's 17% of a room that I'm willing to sacrifice. What sacrifices are you making? At this point, I would travel back in time to sell-out Anne Frank for a basket of Chili's chips...
...I don't know…maybe I'm wrong. Probably not, but it's important to be humble enough to admit the chance.