The Holy Bracket - The First Ever Tournament Between Religious Leaders
Updated: Mar 31
With the Coronavirus forcing every major sporting event to cancel, one tournament still remained. Sports fans across the world had it marked in their calendar, starving for some action. The first ever Holy Bracket Tournament was set and ready to start. Games would be played between religious leaders until there was only one left. And although there were some bumps along the way, the tournament did not disappoint:
(Play-In Game) Marshall Applewhite - Heaven’s Gate
Jim Jones - The People’s Temple
We'll start with this year's play-in game. Right off the back, our first game stirred up a major controversy. Religious leaders across the board argued that these were, in fact, cults. But being that this is the holy bracket, no judgment was to be passed against them. After some arm twisting, the tournament officials ultimately ruled these two eligible. Unfortunately for those officials, it proved to be an empty fight. Both teams missed the game after presumably over-sleeping and forgetting to set their alarms. Officials had no choice but to disqualify both squads. Result: No Contest
(4) Xenu- Scientology VS. (1)Mohammed - Islam
After an underwhelming start to the tournament, our next game of the night was guaranteed to light off some fireworks. Mohammed was the overwhelming favorite, with his team of 1.3 billion Muslims being the gold standard of consistency. That being said, nobody thought for a second that Xenu would go down without a fight. He’s an emotional player who’s dropped hydrogen bombs in volcanos to collect the souls of his people. To win this game, it appeared as though he’d have to perform something equally inconceivable to stand any chance against Mohammed. Then, right before the game started, some of Mohammed’s “die-hard” fans threatened to saw a reporter’s head off if he were to release any images of the game. Tournament officials had no choice but to take action, and Mohammed was thereby disqualified, creating the first major upset of the tourney. Result: Victory Xenu
(1) Jesus Christ - Christian VS. (4) Bill Maher - Atheist
Despite Jesus Christ's recent struggles with recruiting new young talent, Christianity still remains a powerhouse in the world of religion, sporting a following of over 2.1 billion fans. But even Jesus Christ's ability to walk on water wouldn't guarantee a victory. His first-round draw was an unfavorable matchup for his style of play. Jesus would have to go up against the leader of Atheism, Bill Maher. It was clear that Bill was not going to be intimidated by Jesus. He would use an aggressive defensive game plan by using facts, logic, and science.
By the second half, it was clear that Bill's arrogance was getting in the head of Jesus and wearing him down. Still, no amount of negativity could bring Christ down. If a crucifixion couldn't beat him, how hard could it be to overcome a washed political comedian?
With 5 minutes left in the game and down by 3, Jesus channeled his inner Jehovah's Witness and kept on knocking. Following an incredible 10-1 run, Jesus managed to edge out Maher, 98-92. In the postgame conferences, Bill Maher played the loss off, saying that he didn't really believe in the ideal's of "sports" anyways. As he walked off the interview stand he said, "Don't you think playing with a ball is a little childish anyway?"
Result: Victory Jesus Christ
(3) Abraham - Judaism VS. (2) Buddha - Buddhism
After an incredible game between Jesus and Bill Maher, the tournament gave us yet another unforgettable matchup between Abraham and Buddha. It was a clash of two titans with two completely different gameplans. One would take a loud, outspoken approach while the other would try and play the game in an almost meditative state. Which is which, you might ask? We're not going say. With everything set to make this an all-time classic, Abraham announced he'd be forfeiting the game. It was just hours before tip-off when the organizers of the tournament received word from Abraham. He said that his people were not going to get tricked into showing up to a sole location again. To be fair, last time the Jewish people were all shipped to a singular place…well… Result: Victory Buddha
(2) Haile Selassie - Rastafari VS. (3) Mahavira - Jainism
What an atmosphere this game brought to the arena. The only thing visible upon entering the stadium were the billows of smoke being blown by Rasta's. Selassie and the Rastafari movement really captivated the crowd that night. Nothing but peace, love, affection, and good vibes were being spread. Then, after the smoke finally cleared, pandemonium struck. Unbeknownst to the crowd, Nataputta Mahavira came out sporting a swastika on his jersey. Both boo's and drinks poured onto the court. Mahavira was forced to retreat to the locker room to avoid injury. You could even hear Abraham yelling from the stands, "I KNEW IT! You bastards! I told you this was a trap!" Organizers worked frivolously to calm the crowd down, but it was far too late. An internal investigation would later take place. The report states that the announcer had chiefed a little too much ganja before the start of the game, and forgot to issue an important announcement explaining Mahavira's jersey. See, the swastika symbolizes something a little different in the practice of Jainism than what's it's most known for now. With the crowd furious, and Mahavira refusing to return to the court, the victory was handed to Selassie. Result: Victory Selassie
(2) Haile Selassie - Rastafari VS. (4) Xenu- Scientology
Before the game, FaHooSports experts were perplexed as to how these two styles would match up. Selassie and the Rasta movement, known for their laid back style of play, vs. Xenu and Scientology’s tireless, “if you leave, we will stalk and destroy your life” approach. From the very beginning, the game was a nonstop back and forth. Whether it was the weed or the bullshit, Xenu’s use of dianetics was completely ineffective at reading the mind of Selassie. After an absolute classic first half, both teams headed to the locker room with the game tied, 59-59. When it was time to start the second half, Selassie and the Rasta movement remained in the locker room. A tournament official walked in to find the team pounding orange slices and bags of Cheetos. When Selassie was told that the game was about to start, he responded, “Nah mon, we’re chilling. I’s tink we’s a take nap mon. Let Xenu know I’s said guud game and one love brotha mon! Result: Victory Xenu
(1) Jesus Christ - Christian VS. (2) Buddha - Buddhism
With only one and a half games played, and the weed smoke finally cleared out of the stadium after Selassie’s elimination; People started to sober up and became increasingly agitated. But the bad news was only to be met by more of the same. Before the game, Buddha announced he would be forfeiting the match. He released a statement that reads as such:
“In our quest to unlock nirvana, the Buddhist people and I have decided to forfeit our upcoming game against Jesus Christ. We can no longer deny this feeling of dukkha, or the “incapability of being satisfied.” We have decided to break the chain of living in an impermanent state that is the Holy Bracket Tournament. Winning feels euphoric - yes - but that sense of ecstasy quickly dissipates when the next game begins. Even if we were to reach the apex and become champions, the tournament would simply reincarnate the following year, forcing us to go through the process again. We ask that you try and understand as we continue down this path of liberation.”
Result: Victory Jesus Christ
(1) Jesus Christ - Christian VS. (2) Xenus - Scientology
Then there were two. It was an encounter that no one saw coming. In the tournament's one-year history, never had we seen a 1 vs. 4 matchup. In the beginning of the tournament, if you put just $100 on Xenu to win it all, Vegas would have paid out $10,000. I mean, we're talking about a perennial powerhouse in Jesus Christ playing against a divine figure conceived by a fictional writer in 1953. The crowd filled the arena early, and religious stars packed the courtside seats: John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Mark Wahlberg, Denzel Washington, and many more were there. But controversy wasn't done fucking this tournament yet... Out of nowhere, Joseph Smith came sprinting onto the court, his face filled with panic. He yelled, "Ladies and gentlemen! As I walketh down the tunnel to taketh my seat, God sent me and only me a Snapchat message that has since disappeared. Nonetheless, I have taken it upon myself to forward the message of God to you. Due to the concerns of the Corona Virus, God has chosen to cancel the resurrection for the first time in 2020 years. He's told his son, Jesus, to quarantine himself inside of the tomb. He asks that this time around, you assholes leave the tomb shut for health and safety concerns. For this reason, we have no choice but to name Xenus, the winner!" With that, history was made. For the first time ever, a four seed beat the odds and won the Holy Bracket. During the postgame interviews, Xenu said, "Although I'm disappointed we didn't get to play the game, I'm excited to see where this takes us as a religion. The media has been putting us down for years. Don't think we don't have each and every one of you listed in a black book. Write what you want about us, at your own risk, but I'm certain this will legitimize the things we're doing." Congratulations to the 2020 champs: Xenus, and all of Scientology! I'll be the first to admit that I never believed in them. After witnessing this, it's hard to deny that they didn't pull off anything short of a miracle. I'm even considering stopping by the empty building they bought in Downtown Detroit to see what they could do for me. Cult, religion…I don't care what they are as long as I can feel a part of something…. So, from our beautiful studio inside my parent's home, this is Mister Bigleys signing out from FaHooSports. Praise Xenu, praise Hubbard, and good night folks.