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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

Robert Kraft a Chinese Spy? Gillette Not So Clean Shaven? And More…

Whether it’s beaten bitches, taking hits to the head, or just getting some dome; the NFL just cannot stay out of the news cycle. Robert Kraft, the owner of the New England Patriots, was recently charged on two counts of soliciting a prostitute in a massage parlor located in Jupiter, Florida. Kraft was caught in a massive prostitution sting executed by authorities under the operation name, “Spygate 2.0.” According to the authorities they have video evidence of Mr. Robert Kraft getting some head, gettin’ gettin’ some head, he was getting’ some head gettin’ gettin’ some head. When asked about the situation Mr. Kraft was quoted saying, “I was wit the kinda girl dat make yo toes curl.”

Mr. Kraft seemed to have everything going for him. He’s a billionaire and the owner of the New England Patriots, a team who has won 3 out of the last 5 Super Bowls including this year against the St. LA Rams. But Kraft’s life isn’t all man dime QB’s and championships. The national media has avoided looking deeper into the life of Mr. Kraft in fear of the backlash they may receive. But not Fahoo. You already know we got that big dick energy, bouta to take a knee on your bitchass. Mr. Bigleys been sipping on that integrity juice so you know I did Zero-esque digging. What I found took me a long time to come to terms with but as a journalist, I must tell the story that others are not willing to. In order to organize my findings I will be separating this article into 2-7 parts(haven’t decided), on the same page, awkwardly made up of multiple paragraphs because I still don’t understand when to end one paragraph and start another…

Followed by some more thoughts that don’t really have to do with the parts just some side thoughts…it really doesn’t matter you’ll see. So buckle in because this article got way longer than I ever wanted.

PART I: Going Bad (feat. Drake)

It’s been clear since Mr. Kraft’s wife died in 2011 that he’s been down a path of crime and tom-foolery. A source told People magazine, reposted by our stepfather Yahoo, that stated Kraft is a, “very different person,” since his wife’s passing. This quote seems legit when you begin to take a look at the highly questionable characters that Kraft has been surrounding himself with including convicted felon Meek Mill, admitted murderer Gucci Mane, and rappers Migo’s. When Fahoo reached out to the Migo’s channel on Spotify about Kraft’s charges their song was quoted saying, "Niggas tried to send a thot/That’s the only way to plot/Klay Thomp, corner shot.”

Seems like a good spot for another paragraph… Now if hanging with murderer’s, felons, and potato chip connoisseurs isn’t enough, just a couple years after the unfortunate death of his wife he began to date a bad little model bitty named Ricki Lander. Kraft, 77, has been laying down the pipe on-again-off-again for the past 5 years with Ms. Lander, 39. In March 2018, Ms. Lander had a kid who she claimed was the seed of Mr. Kraft, who quickly denied any allegations saying, “Nah Fam, pullout game strong.” Since it seems confirmed that indeed, Mr. Kraft, YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!

PART II: Patriot No More?

For years Kraft has made himself look like a Patriot. As a Democrat, he allowed his man dime of a quarterback place a MAGA hat in his locker during interviews in support of free speech. He owns a team in the most popular league in America bringing joy to fans every Sunday. And what’s that team's name? That’s right: The Patriots. But has this been just one large propaganda scheme Kraft has been building to cover up what’s now been exposed? We hate to make accusations but it's clear: Robert Kraft hates America. It honestly makes me sick to see what America has crumbled too. Is this why Brady kept a MAGA hat in his locker? Was this some form of Kapernicking his own owner? Because if it was I stand by Brady. I take a knee against you, Mr. Kraft, on your continued attempts to destroy the US economy by outsourcing your hookers to China. What about our homegrown American hookers? Are they too expensive? Are you really willing to save just a few dollars for some lead infused pussy? And for all this covering up you’ve been doing, including buying an NFL team named the Patriots, you couldn’t take one more precaution when you walked into a place called the Orchids of ASIA Day Spa? Jesus Christ, even YETI has, “Designed in Texas,” carved into their products directly underneath, “Made in China.” At least they’re fucking trying. But this isn’t something new is it, Mr. Kraft? It’s been there all along, you weren’t even trying to hide it. Robert Kraft is a seed from an immigrant, and the worst kind of immigrant: A Canadian. “Oh, hey, yeah, so surrey about all your hooker jobs being taken.” But even his Canadian blood doesn’t explain his unwillingness to pay a little more for pussy. Is it because he’s a Jew? No, of course not. You’re disgusting for even thinking that, reader. Fahoo, itself, has converted to a Jewish website in one of it’s earliest articles. So what is it? This seed comes from his father who was a dress manufacturer in Boston’s Chinatown. That’s right ladies and gentlemen; Robert Kraft is a spy for the Chinese government.

PART III: I Panicked and Now I Started a New Part That Will Close Out This Article

Now if you haven’t caught onto where this is going I think you should consider having your IQ tested. For the rest of you, we have arrived at the exact point that we’ve all been waiting for. With the Patriots stadium proudly hoisting the Gillette name on their building, is the pubic hair on this situation just too thick to trim their way out of? Is it time to go full porn star and completely clean shave themselves from the Kraft name? They recently made a hard stance against the unfair public treatment of women and masculine toxicity with their Super Bowl ad, “The Best Men Can Be". So it’s now your turn Gillette. What are you guys going to do? Are you going to stand by a man and support toxic masculinity and more importantly, the support of non-American hookers? Or are you going to be one of those men sitting at the grill saying, “Boys will be boys.” It’s your chance to actually make a difference, not just an advertisement.

But when it comes down to it, we’ll just have to wait and see where this story goes. Will Kraft beat this pump and dump scheme? If history tells us anything its that the Patriot’s are some slippery motherfuckers, always avoiding any real trouble. The coverup has already begun with a Kraft spokesperson releasing the statement, “We categorically deny that Mr. Kraft engaged in any illegal activity.” Lawyers may be involved in the case but Kraft already has one of the all-time greatest rule benders on his side and he goes by the name of Big Dick Bill Belichick. The Feds may want to throw a flag for illegal formation but according to rule 10.01.89 in section 405 the formation was, in fact, legal if Kraft called an audible into the hookers tight end. For now, let's just sit back and enjoy watching Roger Goodell inevitably blow any sort of PR angle that the NFL might take.

**A special thanks to our sponsor Dollar Shave Club. Enter the Promo code FAHOO69 and see if they give you any sort of discount**

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