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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

R. Kelly’s A Scumbag BUT….

Surprise!! R. Kelly is a shit person and the world is SHOOK. It took the fucking Lifetime channel to somehow stir enough buzz for people to realize this. In between everyone’s favorite shows, Dance Moms and Corey Feldman: Moment of Truth, millions of people caught the tell-all show; Surviving R.Kelly. The docuseries goes through R.Kelly’s sexual abuse of underage women, alleged kidnappings, manipulation, and more. The King of R&B may be facing the most challenging closet that he’s ever escaped in his life…

After all the buzz around Surviving R.Kelly, the consensus is clear: hating R.Kelly is SO IN. Everyone who knows your boy, Mr. Bigleys, knows I hopped on the “R.Kelly might be a not very good person” train way before all this outrage. I first made hating R.Kelly cool back in 2002 when he peed on that underage girl. I was all like, “Bruh, peeing on underage girls is like not cool my man.” I don’t take pride in being right about how bad of a person R.Kelly is, I’m just glad to see that my taste in what’s cool was right. It took 17 years but both $950 New Balance Balenziaga’s and hating R.Kelly are so back in. In fact, a new movement has started called #MuteRKelly and the success has been monumental. Since both the docu-series and hashtag movement were released, R.Kelly’s Spotify streaming numbers have increased by 16%.

And it’s not just us average human beings standing up to make a difference, celebrities like Lady Gaga are making a stand as well. She recently came out and apologized for her 2013 collaboration with R. Kelly titled “Do What You Want (With My Body).” She strongly took a stand against the king of R&B while stating that she fully stands behind the survivors of Mr. Kel’s. Some accuse her of using R.Kelly to boost her fame at the time but Fahoo has a few questions to those ignorant few: How was Gaga supposed to have any idea of the kind of animal Kel’s was? I mean, sure there was the whole thing in 1994 when he married the pop star and then 15-year-old Aaliyah… The case in 1996 when he was sued for emotional distress by Tiffany Hawkins for having sex with her when she was 15 and he was 24 was probably bullshit. And honestly, the case in 2001 with his intern accusing him of having sex with her when she was 17 was just a shit excuse for some girl trying to get her 15 minutes of fame. Then the whole April and May 2002 case of the R Kelly Triple-X sex tape with him peeing on an underage girl happened. That's when Mr. Bigley’s began to hate him but honestly, I’m a gullible fuck. The videotape was doctored just like the moon landing (look it up we never landed on the moon). Then the June 2002 case with him being charged with 21 counts of child pornography with the same underage girl. Pretty suspicious that a girl would bring a lawsuit one month after the peeing case. Doubt it you golddigger. Then there was the 2002-2004 arrest for child pornography when cops found tapes of Kel’s having sex with an underage girl. The charges were later dropped when R.Kelly’s lawyers proved there was lack of evidence to get the initial search warrant. Now sure that case might have been a little sketchy but the law is the law so you have to side on Gaga’s view of R. Kelly being innocent. Build a case legally and maybe we’ll pay attention.

So what do you want Lady Gaga to do when given the opportunity to collab with one of the most legendary R&B singers of all time? Say no? Why? Because of a couple of accusations? A videotape (THAT WAS UNLAWFULLY OBTAINED) here and there of some underage sexual interactions? Lady Gaga couldn’t have seen something like this happening, something like a Lifetime Docuseries. And either way, Gaga is so much more woke than us (as she’s proven time and time again). A past quote provides insight on just how woke she is when she said, “I feel like if you’re really a good human being, you can find something beautiful in every single person, no matter what.”

When it comes down to it, R. Kelly is a trash bag of a human being but we’re only lying to ourselves when we have to pretend like we’re not happy to hear the Remix to Ignition. It’s ok to admit that. That song was released after 7 charges/accusations of some sketchy shit and no one gave a fuck then. Take away the rest of his music catalog… Take away all of R. Kelly’s hits: Worlds Greatest, Fiesta, I’m a Flirt, Same Girl, and more, but leave us with the Remix to Ignition. Liquor up your boy in a PC club in the near future with Remix to Ignition playing and shiiiitttt……MY MINDS TELLING ME NOOOOO, BUT MY BODY, MY BODDDYYYY’S TELLING ME to dance. You know what, it’s official: I expect that the same purposeful ignorance we provide to Great Grandma Grenadine’s blatantly racist comments based on being ancient will, one day, be forwarded to us by our grandchildren when they decide to ignore how insensitive we are when I’m listening to the Remix to Ignition in my co-ed assisted living room as I try to hit on my personal nurse, Dana, only to later blame my actions on my Alzheimer's.

**Special thanks to our 3rd sponsor Hooked on Phonics. Without them, there would be no Fahoo News and proper use of random paragraphs. Thank you again! Use the promo code: FahooNews to get 0-15% off your first dumb child. After that it’s your own fault you kept having kids**

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