March 17th, 2020: Day 5 of the quarantine
It's been just about 120 hours since the NBA canceled their season, the NCAA cut March Madness, and I started taking the Corona Virus semi-seriously. Darkness has begun to set in as both my mental and physical well-being are rapidly deteriorating. I feel as though I'm beginning to lose my grip on reality. The walls periodically close in on me throughout the days. I can no longer tell if the discomfort in my stomach is from the Corona Virus or the awful dancing Tik Tok videos that fill my explore page. I guess I shouldn't judge, but without the gym, I'm no longer able to exhaust the demons inside of my head. Instead, I've shifted my obsessive focus to drinking and doing more drugs. I'd argue my substance abuse problem is still better than dancing on Tik Tok. At least I'm taking the proper steps to exterminate something worthless...
Still, I’ve attempted to stay positive through it all. I just hit my 247th masturbation session after using a VPN to show I live in Italy for the free PornHub Premium. Similar to the hands of a world-class bodybuilder, the foreskin on my sex pistol has become calloused and tough, like fine Italian leather. A diamond-tipped drill couldn’t penetrate this lizard skin. Yet, after jacking off at a clip of 49 times a day, I realized I still had over 23 hours to make up for.
I've spent a lot of that leftover time thinking. Typically, I prefer to stay on the outskirts of my mind, but this quarantine has forced me to do some deep diving. What I found was a surprisingly optimistic Bigleys.
See, I've come to the realization that I'm literally God to anyone 65 and older. This, as you can imagine, brings me much joy. Life and death are now controlled by me and my millennial counterparts. A simple cough could do as much damage as a 40 caliber sniper.
Hear that, Grandma? You'll finally get your payback for all those $15, thirty-year bonds you've been giving me the past 25 Christmas'ss'ss'ss. It's the perfect crime: Walk in the front door, sneeze, exit out the back. She'll never see it coming.
I even found a way to capitalize on pandemonium. I've purchased a surplus of bidet's which I plan on reselling for profit as the Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020 continues. I've also been reaching out to some friends and family who I view as the most susceptible to getting taken out. Some might see this a cynical, but I view it as leveraging an emotional hit with a capital gain.
The good news doesn't end there, though. Despite all of the negative things the media is saying about Corona, there's a lot of positive's resulting from the disease as well; Mass shootings have seen a considerable drop in the past week. and the CDC estimates a sharp decline in the number of handicap drivers.
Not to mention, we're much better off with a disease taking out people. When humans take part in population control, it's usually kind of racist. At least with this, the only concentration camps are retirement homes.
Despite all of the good vibes I was trying to send out, negativity found it's way to the forefront. The shrooms I took, combined with my mother's apocalyptic Bible verse text messages to the family group chat, probably didn't help either.
Things turned dark quick. What if…well...what if instead of Jeep people being fucking normal…What if they still drove without roofs or doors and wore face masks? Is that something we'll have to see? Will my young nephew have to live in a world where two full-grown men sporting respirators and driving stock Jeep Rubicon's drive past one another and wave? Are they going to make stupid fucking bumper stickers that say: Corona - It's a Jeep Thing? What about the Jeep girls that like it dirty? Have those nasty bitches even washed their hands since this whole thing started?
Ahh, dude fuck. We're so fucked. I just watched Contagion; that shit turned out BAD. Well, besides Matt Damon's wife cheating on him, contracting the virus, and dying. That's karma; The same kind of karma that I'll inevitably receive after writing this article.
Oh shit…What if the NBA comes back and LeBron plays a game with Corona and, even worse, wins? Will people pretend it's his "flu game?" It won't be bad because others will be infected, it's the unbearable things he'll post on Instagram. Talking in the third person, thanking himself for contracting the virus, followed by a congratulation from himself...God, millions of lives lost would be awful, but please make sure I'm one of them if this goes down.
Everybody wash their fucking hands. I don't need this shit.