At this point, it feels like every other article I write is about Corona. I used to think I was creative, finding different ways to grab a topic out of thin air. I’ve recapped the murder of my favorite pillow, I’ve relived my dark past of telling girls their thumbs were fat, I tested my mental stability by hate watching 5 hours of TikToks, and I finally came out as a closeted poor person. But two months into this, and I feel creatively juiced. The reservoir that was once full of ideas is now nothing more than a puddle.
I’ve been trying anything that might spark a bit of creativity. I’ve increased my drug and alcohol intake - Nothing. I tried taking walks. All that did was make me realize that a reasonably fit, 26-year-old man taking a walk without a dog is supremely depressing. People keep checking in on me like I’m an autistic kid who wandered out of the house, which, to be fair, isn’t that far off. Smelling salts did work for a moment, but after ripping three packs a day, my eyes started to resemble Tom Hardy’s in Capone.
With no solutions at hand, I've been forced to concede. So here's another COVID article, but, with a twist. Before I begin, I want my bias towards the subject to be clear. I am, in fact, pro-COVID. To my disappointment, it appears that I'm the last one on this ship. It's just funny; before this whole thing happened, there was a line of people in support of a pandemic of some sort to cut the population fat. Now, with it finally here, those same people claim they were "joking." If you know anything about me, then you know I don't joke around. My journalistic integrity keeps me from doing so. For that reason, I've been forced to take a similar approach to commenter Eric on Yahoo - Double down on my ignorance and shape the narrative to how I want to see it. In his case, it was pointing out why Ahmaud Arbery was hunted down, in my case, it's explaining why COVID isn't in the wrong.
Imagine being 26 and still living with your parents…. That'd be embarrassing. What was he going to do next? Start a website called FaHooNews.com? Was he going to write two articles for his 40 Twitter followers every week while ignoring his parent's request to move out? Could you imagine? What a loser, but back to the point:
Being the positive guy that I am, I've decided to include the pros and cons of the virus. I won't try to sway you one way or the other - unlike these so-called "unbiased" news outlets. I'll leave you with the information, and it'll be up to you to do what you want with it. I'm just tired of only hearing about the negatives of this disease—enough of the fear-mongering. To counter that vicious news cycle, here's a list of the pros and cons of COVID-19:
Con - More than 315,000 worldwide deaths
Pro - At least 5% of those people were relatively worthless…relatively.
Bonus Pro - An Earth cleanse/detox
Pro - A vast increase in dog adoptions, resulting in empty Human Societies
Con - Similar to the housing crisis, people did not look ahead. Projecting a large percentage of returns.
Pro playing off the Con - Humane Society is about to be the Nordstrom Rack of dogs. Like a car, the second that dog gets driven off the lot, it’s value plummets. Dogs that retailed for thousands will now be priced around $250 with shots included. Can’t beat that.
Con - COVID is ageist, sexist, racist, and clearly full of bigotry.
Pro - At least it’s not a person wiping out humans. Got ugly the last time that happened.
Con - Being obese increases your chances of death
Pro - COVID provides a built-in excuse why you can’t go to the gym
Con - Being forced to wear face masks in public
Pro - An incredible opportunity for underage kids to buy booze
Con - Restrictions on travel for non essential reasons
Pro - Experts project a decline of handicap drivers in the near future
Pro - Has given claustrophobic people some space
Con - Missed our best chance to implement the metric system
Con - Schools shutdown
Pro - No school shootings
Pro - Appreciating what we have in the moment, knowing everything can be taken away
Con - The inevitable streetwear mask trend that will come out of this
Pro - Bravery of nurses
Con - Millions of jobs lost
Pro - I finally get to work from home full-time. Worth the sacrifice in my opinion...That’s just my opinion…
Pro - Less Jeep people doing Jeep people things
Con - The unavoidable Jeep bumper sticker that's coming
So in the end, is this really all that bad? Well, by my math, I count 12 cons and 14 pros...Just some food for thought.