• Mr Bigleys

Outrage Ensues After Dallas Weatherman Delay's Tornado Warning For Cowboy's Game

Updated: Nov 13, 2019



NBC 5, a local Dallas station, has been under fire after making what's being called a "careless" decision during the Dallas Cowboys vs. Philadelphia Eagles game. Rather than interrupt the game to alert the locals of oncoming Tornadoes, the station decided to politely wait 6 minutes until a commercial break. Some were outraged, viewing the decision as prioritizing football over lives. NBC 5 quickly issued an apology that no Texan asked for.


Texans were universally confused about where this outrage stemmed from. I mean, of course football was placed before lives - This is Texas. Maybe if this happened in a place like California, a libpology would be expected. It's not uncommon for small things like tornadoes (if those exist in California), wildfires, and water shortages to interfere with their football. But in Texas; God's Country…You better think twice before interrupting God's Game.


By depriving good, Christian Texans of Cowboy's football, you are inherently snatching Christ out of their households, and replacing Him with the pseudo-science mockery that we call weather. As any Bible reading-Christian knows, God controls the weather, and natural disasters are the direct result of the sins we've committed. Why else would California always be on fire?


I speak for all Texans when I say it's time we stop pretending the weatherman is a scientist and call him for what he truly is: A crook selling snake oil. He uses fancy radars, and green screens as an expressway for the devil to pass our doubts and enter our homes.


Shame on you, weatherman, for playing God and interrupting a division rivalry to tell us about a tornado that didn't even kill anyone. Stop filling our homes with your disinformation. Even if meteorology was an accepted science, which it's not, you don't get to enjoy the same standards as a baseball player; Hitting .250 makes you a failure.


Clearly, I have my opinion about the situation, but Mr Bigleys still has journalistic integrity, so I reached out to a local to better understand their feelings. I met with the man they call Dallas Dan, and asked if he had any thoughts on the controversy. His Texas-sized opinion follows:


"Let it be known that there are only two reasons to EVER turn off the Lord's game in the great state of Texas:


1) To attend Mass during one of those early start London games and,

2) When Colin Kaepernick comes on screen…."


His face turns beat red. I can tell that even the idea of Kaepernick has triggered his PTSD. He explodes, yelling:


"I'll be dammed if I have to share my living room with that ISIS supporting, America hating, dead soldier loving, animal. MY FATHER SERVED IN THE MARINES, JUST AS HIS FATHER DID BEFORE HIM. I didn't serve, BUT HAD THERE STILL BEEN A DRAFT I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED DEFENDING THIS COUNTRY. HOW DARE HE METAPHORICALLY PISS ON THE GRAVES OF OUR BRAVE SOLDIERS. AFRICAN AMERICAN QUARTERBACK TERKIN ER JERBS. IF HE HATES 'MERICA SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR ASS BACK T..."


I cut him off before our interview turns into a rally. After taking 3 Texas-sized breaths, he continues:


"God, forgive the things I say out of rage, for I am a mere mortal. I cannot control the ghosts of my ancestors who speak through me. All I'm trying to say is that the weatherman can shove his barometer straight up his ass before interrupting another football game."


Following our interview, he grabs my hand and asks to pray. I find it fitting to leave you with the words Dan shared with me. Let us pray...


Our Father, Who art in Heaven,

The weatherman is fake,

No storm will come

If we have our gun

in Texas as it is in Heaven


Give us this day our daily game.

And forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgave the weatherman when he trespassed against us

And lead us not into a tornado warning

but deliver us to a half screen instead.


Amen.

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