Outdoor Dogs And Other Ways To Stay Poor
Poor people humor: is there anything funnier? It's no secret that I enjoy indulging in the occasional underprivileged joke. I even dedicated an entire category to the less fortunate. So, you better believe anytime I can demean another human-being while simultaneously putting myself onto a pedestal, I'm in.
In reality, you never really know what drove someone to their current situation. They could have simply been dealt a shitty hand in life. Perhaps they have a mental illness but no financial resources to seek help. Maybe their parents were shitbags. Perhaps they hit a terrible string of luck. Or maybe they've just taken too much advice from Wendy Williams. Who knows?
See, I was lucky enough to grow up in a prominent, cute little suburb. That's not to say that I didn't have my fair share of obstacles to overcome. My parents once bought me an A-Class Mercedes for my 16th birthday. Yeah, you may be poor, but you've never been the poorest rich kid.
Not being able to eat dinner is easy when no one else around you is doing it either, but try driving a car that prices out to a summer's worth of panhandling while your boys are ripping G-Wagons.
Anyhow, like any wealthy child, I too had family in the slumlord game. When my uncle offered me a job, I immediately hopped on the opportunity. I was on the fast path to follow in the footsteps of my hero, Jared Kushner. Unfortunately for me, my so-called "family" member had other plans.
The day before I started, my phone rang. I saw that it was my uncle, so I answered. He informed me that I should wear steel-toed boots and some clothes I didn't mind getting dirty. No problem...
That night, I laid out my old Balenciaga Santiago western harness suede steel toe booties, my Balmain men's destroyed slim-fit moto jeans (pre-ripped for effect), and a super cool vintage Gun's N' Roses t-shirt I bought from a sick boutique downtown. Your boy was ready to kick down doors and evict some poor people.
When I showed up the next day, though, it was clear that things were not going to go to plan. My uncle and I walked into a house he had just bought for pennies on the dollar. We were greeted by four dirty men who worked for my uncle. I could tell that they were on drugs, but not the designer drugs like you and I take.
Before I knew it, my uncle was walking out the door to leave me for a day's work. I felt like a pompous poodle getting left at the humane society with tattered pit bulls. When the door shut, one of the dirty men handed me a paintbrush and told me to "Walk my faggot ass boots over there and start painting walls." Being the prideful person that I am, I quickly quipped back, saying, "These are Balenciaga's." He responded, saying, "Belenci-who?"
At that exact moment, the reality of it all settled in. If they didn't recognize Balenciaga, then they must be...well..they must be poor.
Despite our initial introduction, I really started to bond with the guys. They'd talk about their stupid cunt bitch ex-wives that took everything from them; I'd tell them about the extravagant music festivals I attended. I would even sell them the Xanax I stole from my mother for absurd prices. Apparently, even if you're saving money by getting paid under the table, medication is still too expensive when you don't have insurance. The rich keep getting richer. Either way, money or no money, I fucking loved those guys.
I had a lot of firsts that summer. I caught my first flea inside a home with no pets. I smoked my first inside cig with a resident using an oxygen tank. I stepped on my first rusty nail after tearing down a chicken coupe. I gutted my first house after it burnt down when a resident used a hot plate instead of the oven. I even said my first no to a blow job from a blue-collar hooker at the local Speedway.
But while working for Slumland LLC., I began to notice trends - trends of poor people. Four main things consistently popped up. Why, you might ask? Honestly, I'm not sure, but I'm going to give you my opinion, anyways. As your cult leader and financial adviser, I share with you the four things you must avoid if you don't want to be poor.
1…Owning An Outdoor Dog
What a fucking bizarre concept. Fathom this: You go to a pet store, or in poor people's cases, Diabetes Petey's from down the street. His pit bull's just had puppies, and he's giving them away for free. You pick one up and decide you're going to take it home. Naturally, being poor as you are, you name it Diesel.
You go to the pet store, pick out some toys, a water and food bowl, a spiked collar, dog food, and a "Beware of Dog" sign. You go up to the counter, they scan it, and the clerk says, "That'll be $60.57"
No problem. You hand your preloaded credit card to the clerk. You make it clear that it's a credit card, too, NOT to be mistaken with a preloaded debit card. You tried explaining that to the Enterprise employee last week when your '97 Tahoe broke down, but they wouldn't accept it. Whatever, their loss.
Back to the story: The clerk takes the card and swipes it: DECLINED. You wipe it off with your shirt and give it back: DECLINED. "This stupid card," you say aloud. You ask for a plastic bag - because creating some static electricity will surely change things: DECLINED. You tell them you'll be right back and just have to grab your debit card from the car.
That was a lie. You have don't have a car nor a debit card, but you have a dog that loves you anyways. Besides, who needs a water or food bowl? You can just wash and reuse that tupperware that your deli turkey came in. Tie an old tube sock in a knot, and you have a chew toy. A 99 cent cheeseburger every day is cheaper than what you would have spent on that dog food. And neighbor John's dog just passed away the other week, so you can just take his Beware of Dog sign.
You proceed to walk home. After stopping at John's house to grab the sign, you stroll back to show Diesel his new residence. You put him down to explore your 650 sq.ft. palace. You then turnaround to put that new sign in your front window right next to the "No Soliciting" one.
After turning back, you see that little Diesel has pissed on your, now, 2-year un-vacuumed rug. Looks like you got the runt. You toss that little piece of shit outside where he'll live the rest of his days barking at the other outdoor dogs across the street.
Imagine being mentally unstable enough to buy a pet only to have live strictly outside, which, in turn, eliminates the point of a pet. Still not understanding?
I'm not talking about a cow or a chicken; At least those produce a tangible good. I'm talking about buying a dog - whose purpose is to bring you joy the more time you spend with it - and having it live outside. Now all you have is a pending lawsuit as soon as little Jimmy hops over the fence and loses function in the left side of his face. Way to go.
2…Owning A Harley Davidson (While Renting A House)
Let me make myself clear: I'm not speaking to the average middle-class guy working a mundane, but stable job who purchased a motorcycle to reignite the spark with his wife, and ultimately, his dick. I'm talking to you; poor white people.
I know, I know; I've never experienced that pure, unadulterated sense of freedom that you get riding around town on a Harley. But you've also never felt the joy of financial freedom. In this case, one of us still has a chance to feel what the other is talking about.
Sure, you'll get better gas mileage going to and from work. I understand that you used to work at a mechanic shop sweeping floors and could easily fix your own bike. And I heard you when you said that Carl from down the road bought a wrecked Harley for $300 and did a complete rebuild for a total of $600. What I'm trying to say is that you're wrong.
A Harley for poor people is what a boat is for the rich: a money pit. Except, in the rich person's case, they can afford to fill that pit.
"But Bigleys, are you trying to say that poor people shouldn't be allowed to enjoy their lives?" No, of course not. Everyone should be able to enjoy themselves no matter what their economic situation may be. I'm just saying that perhaps - and this is completely hypothetical - but perhaps they should try something else like playing jacks, or marbles, or something...
I was searching for a statistical graph to back this theory, but then I remembered that none of these bikes would ever be registered and/or insured. So you're just going to have to take my word on this one.
3…Using Children Sheets As Curtains
I'm not talking about some cute $10 DIY project. I'm talking about a sheet that's potentially nailed to the drywall and used as a curtain. Next time you're in an impoverished area, look at the windows as you drive by. There's about a 90% chance Buzz Lightyear will be staring right back at you.
Don't get me wrong; I get it - I used sheets as curtains back when I was fake poor in college. Lucky for me, I was born with a silver spoon dipped in platinum, so that didn't last long.
4…Stickers On The Windows
This is not to be confused with eviction notices or a notification that the property's been condemned although, those are never good signs either. What I'm talking about are those Disney children window stickers:
These packets of joy attribute nearly 10 minutes of fun for the kids. They're also reusable..so..money saved. The thing about these stickers, is that once they're up, they'll never come down. Those static clingers will stay there for months, years, or until I come in to clear out the house after the eviction.
Sue Orman, David Bach, Dave Ramsey, Mister Bigleys - All financial gurus. The only difference is that the first three are here to sell books. Myself, on the other hand, am here to help out real people. Listen to me and avoid these 4 deadly sins to find financial freedom. I won't guarantee that it'll make you rich. In fact, chances are you'll never even move up in social class. Just do yourself a favor and don't make it any harder.