Obama, Chrissy Teigen, or Jupiter Police: Who’s responsible for killing the American Dream?
I’m told this week has been a wild news cycle; fake hate crimes, explosions, human trafficking, and obviously Trump. Wait. Now that I think of it the media didn’t jam anything Trump related into my life today……which is nice. I know you all must be thinking “Gordo where have you been, we haven’t seen any posts in a while!” Well to that I’m deeply upset to inform you all that I was brutally attacked at my local tubby’s recently and have been in a coma. I thankfully woke up today. All I remember is when I walked into the parking lot two woke millennial bitches yelling, “Hey you’re Gordo Cox from Fahoo aren’t you?” Terrified of being publicly doxxed I tried to run but it was too late. They beat me into a coma. The last thing I can remember is them yelling “This is Chrissy teigen Country!” Since I woke up I haven’t seen any statement from Teigen condemning the attack on me, which makes her complicit in my assault. (IN MY OPINION OF COURSE). Does Mrs. Teigen not believe in freedom of the press? Does she condone attacks on journalists thus undermining democracy itself? I guess that article is for another day.
In other news, it appears the ACC is having one hell of a week. Between their top player spraining his knee and a hall of fame coach killing a guy, its safe to say the ACC commissioner could use a distraction. Humble brag but Robert Kraft has been a close family friend of mine and he’s always mentioned there is a great Asian massage parlor near his home in Florida that I should check out. Given my recent injuries and the ACC commissioner’s recent stress, maybe a massage is just what we need.
Speaking of Asians, sources are allegedly telling me that Duke star Zion Willemsen’s attorneys are planning a lawsuit against 11 year old Margi Wong for criminal negligence. The lawsuit allegedly states that during Ms. Wong’s 22 hour shift in China she irresponsibly missed one cross thread pattern that compromised the integrity of Zion’s shoe. This intolerable oversight lead to Zion’s shoe exploding right in front of former president Barack Obama. As a well respected journalist I decided to look into why this shoe actually exploded and the evidence I found completely exonerates Ms. Wong. Evidence shows Obama dropped 26,000 bombs in his tenure making him the most likely suspect in Cameron Indoors at the time of the incident. Some say Barack ruined the country, others say he saved it. That’s all irrelevant now. His legacy is now known for ruining college basketball and the greatest college talent I’ve seen since Doug McDermott. Thanks Obama!
As a country I’m not sure where we go from here. When journalists like me are attacked, innocent people standing in the middle of the freeway at 11:00 pm are killed, and billionaires are caught getting happy endings it’s hard to believe the American Dream is attainable. Next thing you know politicians will be caught wearing blackface 30 years ago and get away with it because of the ever changing news cycle. I guess only time will tell.