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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

NOW HIRING: (W)horoscope Writer / Cult Member

Updated: Mar 31, 2020

Horoscope for hire


Are you looking to fill that void your father left in you years ago? Do you use crystals to recharge your batteries? Are you someone who used your astrological sign as an excuse for that attempted murder charge you racked up after running your boyfriend over with his Mercedes? Did you start dating that guy because of his sign in the first place? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then we have the job for you.

Here at FaHooNews, we embrace mental midgets of all shapes and sizes. We don't expect you to rationally examine your "faults" or "lack of emotional intelligence." Fuck that. Working on yourself is hard, so why not find ways to warp the narrative to explain your actions. Was it your fault that you showed up late to work every day for the last week, were completely unproductive, and an absolute asshole to the rest of the office? NO. It's just that time of the month; You know, when Jupiter and Mars align on the same night as a full moon. We don't expect you to apologize for being a cunt, that's just the Leo inside of you.

So if you're tired of people telling you to change, come join our team at You'll never be told, "maybe it's your fault," because here at FaHooNews, we're the smartest hypocrites in the room.

Minimum Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities:

  • 18 to 23 years of severe daddy issues

  • Mild drug addiction and/or Yoga instructor

  • Minimum of 6 music festivals attended the past 2 years

  • Preferably an Aries for their fire and passion

  • Degree in Holistic/Spiritual healing and/or Alternative Medicine

  • Cult experience preferred

  • Experience Hoola Hooping in public spaces required

What We Expect From You

  • Extremely driven, but can relax and have a beer.

  • Emotional and sensitive but also brute

  • Romantic and intimate, except for those times you feel like you need space.

  • Energetic and upbeat besides those days where you're feeling tired and worn down.

  • Rational with a flare of irrationality.

  • An extrovert when you're speaking, but an introvert when you're not.

  • Self-aware, a deep thinker, philosophical, but also completely superficial.

Key Responsibilities:

  • Writing daily (W)horoscopes for lost souls

  • Convince people that being born in a specific month predetermines their day to day actions

  • Describe people using wide-ranging, broad descriptions in a creative way

  • Ability to understand that we don't care about your emotional distress - keep that to your side of the office

  • Take advantage of people's insecurities for FaHoo's profit


  • Unpaid internship

  • 4 Weeks of Unpaid Vacation Time

  • Will show you how to sign up for Obama Care

  • Work from home

  • Abortion Reimbursements

Working Conditions:

  • Usually, pretty chill

  • Depends on planetary positioning

  • Mister Bigleys is a Pisces: So I'm very tolerant

  • Being late will not be tolerated

*Please send resume and half-assed cover letter to*

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