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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

Man Who Predicted 20,000 Dow Now Says That If the Economy Doesn’t Suck the Market Will Be Good

There’s been quite the eerie feeling lately that the US economy may be facing a recession in the near future. These worries were reflected at the end of 2018 with the market having more ups and downs than a bipolar schizophrenic hopped up on acid riding a roller coaster. But put that worry to rest fellow investors because our boy Jeremy Siegel said that as long as the economy doesn’t suck, the market is going to be HAWT! His exact quote was, “‘If we avoid a recession, we’re going to have a really good market.”

Now if you don’t know who Mr. Siegel is, he’s a prominent professor of finance at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business who called the Dow getting to 20,000. But for every person who sees the world's water glass as being half full, there are 10 bitch asses that'll try to ruin our good vibes. “Oh but Mr. Bigleys, what about the time when he estimated a bullish market in 2006, do you remember how that turned out?” And my answer would be no. I was in 8th grade in 2008 trying to not get a boner while learning about mitochondria. Besides I’m rich. You think rich people concern themselves with down markets? If you answered yes that’s because you’re poor.

That should, by itself, be enough of an explanation but I can just feel the bitchassness radiating. “But Bigleys, what about the constant studies showing that monkeys are better at picking stocks than hedge fund managers. Everybody knows that nobody can accurately predict which way the economy is going to turn. These commentators with Ph.D.’s will eventually be right if they just keep guessing.” Jesus Christ, Fred, relax this is my article you basically just took up an entire paragraph full of your bitchassness. It’s that kind of attitude that forced those 3 kids in gym class to whip wet paper towels at you every time you had to take a shit in the locker room. You think anybody remembers that Kobe went 6 for 21 from 3 point land and 22 for 50 overall in his last game? Fuuuuuck no. All we remember is that Kobe dropped a 60 bomb on the Utah Mormons. Shooters shoot, baby.

So with that, I’m now going to give a stock that I’ve been keeping to myself for a long time. These are the kind of tips that Instagram handles like @StockMarketThug97 makes you pay for. The ticker symbol: ARTX. What do they do? Well, theyyyyyyy, one second please……ahhhhhhh...... looks like they make MISSILES! This company is about to blow (Did you catch that joke?). "But why Arotech Corp.?" bitch ass Fred might ask. Well, Fred, ARTX is selling at a mere $2.65 right now. And what is America’s favorite past time? “Baseball,” says Fred. Wrong you imbecile. The correct answer is bombing people, preferably poor. That’s right; ‘Merica spent $611 billion in 2017. I didn’t even know that was a number. I’ve been considering canceling my Spotify subscription for $9 a month which takes up about 37% of my monthly budget. If the US military even spends a small portion of that money on Arotech’s cutting-edge technology than the stock will SKYROCKET straight into Syria. So I warn you: Buy now or forever be poor.

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