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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

Man Jailed After Knowingly Infecting 250 Individuals With B.V.

Justin Gurn out of Dayton, Ohio, has been arrested and charged after knowingly infecting over 250 people with Bad Vibes (B.V.). Police are yet to find a definitive motive, but there has been major speculation.

According to those close to the situation, a noticeable shift in Justin's behavior took place after being fired from his job. His friends say that his work was always his go to conversation-starter at parties. He commonly referred to his position as, "basically owning the place," that he can, "Literally do whatever he wants," and that they "Could never operate without me."

Following his firing from Footlocker, Justin was diagnosed with a severe case of B.V. The disease caused Justin to develop a vendetta for anyone having a half-decent time. Looking back, it all seemed so obvious. The writing was on the walls, or rather, on the Vineyard Vine's tee shirt he insisted wearing out every night.

Jason quickly became notorious for telling others how tired he was during the pregame. When asked if he wanted something to wake him up, he would always say no. Jason always insisted he was going to bounce when everyone left for the bar, claiming it was going to be another bland night. When a response lacked, Jason would double down, saying things like, "Honestly, a night like tonight isn't even worth waking up hungover."

Despite this, sources say he never would "bounce." In fact, Jason would oftentimes sit in the front seat during the Uber ride. Authorities believe this is when Jason primarily preyed on his victims. He'd rape the aux cord with an array of soft rock, stoner rap, and terrible dub-step. Jason systematically paused songs that he felt people were enjoying and take an excessive amount of time to pick a new one. To fill the silence, he would talk over others and explain how they're fucking up by going to this bar rather than another.

If he failed to ruin the pregame, Jason made sure to make an even stronger attempt at the bar. Ten to twelve times a night, Jason would let his friends know how much he wished he would have stayed home. When a round of shots was ordered, Jason would bitch about how much better it would be if they just got a booth and bottle. Even nights that were universally praised as being fun weren't safe. Jason would rant to anyone who listened about how they were doing the night wrong and go on to tell stories about the weekend before.

Jason's ex-girlfriend, Karen Bella, is also under investigation for her involvement in at least 100 cases of knowingly spreading B.V. during their 3-month relationship. The on-again-off-again couple developed a complex system of mixing excessive PDA with hour-long screaming matches. When party-goers appeared to grow immune to the bipolar relationship, Karen would purposely blackout and puke in between sessions of hysterical crying. Jason would then ignore her, forcing the other girls to gain control of the Chernobyl disaster. This resulted in the ultimate goal of Jason's: If he wasn't getting pussy, no one was getting pussy. This symptom of B.V., in medical terms, is known as Gallus Obstructionum.

Authorities are unaware of the exact number of victims, but estimates of 250 or more seem to be agreed upon. Doctors say we're lucky that there weren't more victims after finding out about Jason's "Fedora" stage. According to medical professionals, it's not uncommon for Fedora stages to wipe out entire friend groups.

As for the victims, although B.V. is not curable, it is very treatable. Once the infection gets inside an individual, it becomes seared inside their brains for life. Doctors say the most common ways of treating the disease is through different prescriptions, therapy, and a healthy dose of not having shitbag friends. If you or anyone you know has been in contact with someone with B.V., please see a doctor immediately. It may save your social life.

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