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  • Gordo Cox

Is Miley Cyrus a Santa hating republican?

In a recent development nobody was asking for, Miley Cyrus appeared on gigglin Jimmy fallons Tonight Show. In what Twitter users described as an “empowering moment for women” Cyrus sang a “feminist anthem” version of the Christmas classic Santa Baby. Now this type of appearance and song has the versatility to piss off liberals or conservatives while simultaneously making the opposition of the aforementioned parties happy, something that usually never happens. Fox news and Huffington post are sure to sink their extremely qualified journalistic fangs into this segment. I’m sure both of them will approach it with the upmost non-biased/partisan approach.

As a well respected totally qualified journalist like myself there are some troubling aspects of this performance I couldn’t help but notice. The first being Miley’s contradicting lyrics throughout the song. Cyrus first goes on to say that that she “bought it all by herself” but follows it up by saying that “a girls best friend is equal pay”. Everyone knows Santa brings a shit ton of presents and there is no way a woman earning .80c for every Santa dollar could compete, UNLESS they have a net worth of $360 million. That type of net worth could only possibly come from all women and in no way shape or form from clinically depressed fathers who spent $400 in tickets for his two 14 year old daughters to watch an “artist” rub her exposed clam on the hood of a pink colored car on stage in Detroit.

This leads us into the next line of lyrics that state “don’t text me pictures….. of your phone rings”. Fahoo news asked around to multiple female sources asking about unsolicited pictures of apple’s standard ring tone but none could confirm they received them. Being a well respected totally qualified journalist I made sure to follow up with the only other source that means anything in journalism today; Twitter went on to confirm that Cyrus was not actually singing about pictures of apple’s standard ring tone like the segement portraid (fake news?), but instead meant a picture of a cock (aka penis aka dick aka wrench aka hammer). Personally, I agree with Cyrus here. There’s nothing worse than getting nude body parts forced into your face, I’m so glad Cyrus is taking a stand against that kind of debauchery and would totally never do that to the public or on stage for publicity.

The last tidbit I took out of this powerful feminist performance was her overall distain for receiving Santa’s free gifts. Cyrus has been an outspoken supporter of Bernie Sanders and his democratic socialist camapaign. This type of pushback against free shit from Cyrus begs the question “Is Miley Cyrus a closet republican”? Is she no longer feeling the bern? Only time and her past voter history will tell.

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