Before we begin this piece I want to take a moment to say that I realize that Fahoo has now posted back-to-back Nazi posts. I know. My Google searches 100% have me on some sort of watchlist. So I want to make the promise here and now that this will, no doubt, be the last post about Nazi's this week. Now to the article...
On December 7th, 2018 Twitter's most goals AF Twitter troll, Chrissy Teigen, had the fucking balls to tweet, "The best gummy bear is the clear gummy bear. This isn't up for debate. You either agree or you're wrong." And guess what: Twitter lost its goddamn motherfucking SHIT, and how could you not? But as the Twitterverse was busy clapping back and RT'ing, Fahoo continued to stay woke Fam. Something didn't feel right about this tweet, so Mr. Bigleys began to do a little digging and where I ended up was nowhere I would have ever imagined: Chrissy Teigen is an Anti-Semitic................................maybe.
Chrissy Teigen made one fatal mistake in her tweet: she said that we either agree or we're wrong. My argument for red flavor gummy bears had been foiled before I could even begin it. Her logic tore my argument to bits. If I were to say the red flavor was better that would mean I would be disagreeing, and disagreeing is not an option. Disagreeing means I'm wrong. So I focused my energy on something else, what is the first brand that enters your mind when you hear gummy bear? That's right. The only one that exists: Haribo. This question leads to the next: Where was Haribo founded and located? Germany. "Fine," I thought, "Just because something is German doesn't automatically mean its all on Hitler's dick." I decided, though, to do my due diligence as a nationally recognized reporter and continue my research. I went to Haribo's Wikipedia page, scrolled past the Wikipedia panhandling section begging for money, and stopped at the History section. Wikipedia stated that Haribo opened their gummy bear doors in 1922, 11 years before Nazi Germany. I wanted to shut my computer right then and there and pretend as though Haribo just kind of missed out on the whole Nazi, Jewish Death camp thing. They were probably too busy figuring out the perfect mixture of ingredients for a clear gummy bear so that Chrissy Teigen could break the internet 70+ years later. But Fahoo isn't like their stepfather, Yahoo. We don't write complete articles consisting of a celebrity tweet, and then a reaction to that tweet with another tweet of a GIF. We dig deep here: Wikipedia, the yahoo comment section, and sources that can't be named. Mr. Bigleys kept digging. After the very humble Hans Siegel, Sr. died his son, Hans Siegel, took over Haribo during World War II. The struggle was real back then. Germany was in the midst of one of the only sequels that was actually better than the original, and the economy was feeling it. What was young Hans to do? The answer was what anyone with a smudge of morals would do: Use Jewish slave labor. So what has Haribo done to apologize? THEY DENIED THE GERMAN PARLIAMENT ALLEGATIONS! When I imagined asking for comment from Haribo they sent back the quote, "Sorry not sorry."
I'm now going to start a new paragraph because that last one was really long and this just feels right. I don't actually understand when and when not to start a new paragraph I'm just kind of winging it... When you get caught: deny, deny, deny, just like Teigen's mortal enemy number one, Trump, would do. Following that close call what did Haribo do? THEY GOT CAUGHT AGAIN IN 2017 FOR USING SLAVE LABOR IN BRAZIL. So, Chrissy Teigen, I ask you: are you an anti-semitic who hates Brazilians on the side? No more of these favorite flavor of Hitler gummy bear distractions. We want answers. And if your excuse is, "It wasn't Haribo brand gummy bears," then I have something to say to you. You either agree that they were Haribo brand or you're wrong.