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  • Writer's pictureMr Bigleys

If Population Control Is A Thing, Here Are My Nominations For First Cuts

Updated: Jan 10, 2020

Population control is always a touchy subject, especially since that whole Hitler situation happened. I think I speak for most when I say he took it a tad too far unless, of course, you're a Nazi. But when regimes die, new ones prosper; which leads me to the mysterious group, the New World Order.

According to conspiracy theories, the New World Order involves some of the most influential people in the world. One of their rumored missions is population control. Now, how does one choose who's in and who's out, and what kind of narcissistic monster would consider themselves smart enough to make such a decision? Well, me. If the New World Order does exist, here are seven groups of people who should be the first to go:

1) Daytime TV Watchers (DTW's)

I often sit at a nearby grocery store during my lunch break to write my FaHoo articles. The reason, believe it or not, is because some people don't find articles like 6 Things Poor People Take For Granted, as insightful as others, but I digress.

Behind the table where I sit is a small TV that commonly plays daytime television. One day, a 250 lb. linebacker of a woman rolled up and spent the entire hour watching whatever trash show was on. She embodied everything a daytime TV watcher is — the kind of person who smokes cigs indoors, next to their oxygen tank.

Their actions say what they won't: We've already given up. Raven Simone should not be your source in an argument, granted she can see the future. Dr. Oz should not be your family doctor, and Jerry Springer should never be relatable.

That said, it would be ignorant to rule out the possibility of a DTW having a positive effect on another human life, but I'm also not willing to bet on it.

2. People Who Stop In The Middle Of Traffic Circles

How someone reacts to a traffic circle says a lot about them as a person. It shows if they're willing to commit, or hesitant cowards. I abstain from judging those who struggle to enter the circle of death. Perhaps, they are genetically wired to be docile caretakers, while the decisive are providers. Both kinds of people are vital for a community to thrive. The people who I'm nominating are those who stop in the middle. There are only two rules to a traffic circle:

The first: You enter when the coast is clear.

The second: You never stop in the circle.

That's it; Two rules. When you stop in the middle of a traffic circle, you're putting your IQ out there for all to see, and it's low. For that, you're cut.

3. Vanilla People

"Oh, Mr Bigleys, are you being racist against white people?!"

a) This doesn't have to do with race.

b) I am white.

c) Although vanilla has nothing to do with skin color, chances are this is a white person.

This group's words contain absolutely no substance whatsoever. They get hammered off two glasses of wine. Silly, goofy, oh gosh, and saying the letters l-o-l, have all come out of their mouth. They've gone gluten-free to be on the safe side. They even wear wrist guards at work. You know, for the carpal tunnel. When they don't show up to a party, you don't even notice. They neither add nor subtract anything to your life; They simply exist. Although they're not the worst on this list...yuh cut.

4. People Who Pay Alumni Fees

Unless you're donating enough money to bribe your worthless child into a school (as my parents did), what are you doing? Getting tricked into $200,000 worth of debt as an 18 y/o is forgivable. I'll even give a pass for ignoring everyone's advice for four straight years and sticking with that Communication's degree, but being convinced to pay a loyalty fee to Eastern Michigan Community College in return for a bumper sticker and the occasional tee shirt? You're cut.

5. Sub-Humans Who Don't Say Thank You For Holding The Door

Did you miss out on the terms of the deal, pal? I held the door, and in return, you say thank you. By ignoring my kind gesture, you're essentially robbing me of my generosity. I purposely took the headphones out of my ears so I wouldn't miss it. But being the coward that you are, you chose to avoid any eye contact and take a free path. Do you think when Moses parted the fucking Red Sea, the Israelites awkwardly avoided eye contact and acted like what he did wasn't a favor? CUT.

6. Airplane Stormers

The people who storm the exit the second the plane lands - you know them. Where are you racing? Maybe if you weren't so poor, you could afford the twelve extra dollars it costs to get a seat closer to the front. Instead, you've decided to cut a total of 4 rows, or one total minute off your exit time. Instead of taking your turn like a civilized human, I'm now left staring at your sweaty nut sack for the next 15 minutes. I'm not going to say I hope your connecting flight is on a 737 MAX, but I'm also not going to hope against it. mmmmmmmmmm'CUT.

7. Anti-Carters

This isn't the first time I've bitched about anti-carters, but I think it's important I keep them in the public eye. If your lazy ass can't walk ten goddamn yards to place your cart in the cart station, your genetics should not live on. Hellen Keller was fucking blind AND deaf, and that bitch still learned how to read and write, yet you can't work up the motivation to put your cart back? ANNNNNDDDDD CUT!

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1 commento

22 nov 2019

Everything you've listed is so accurate to my own feelings. "The Circle of Death" made me l-o-l. I thought you were going to end that Hellen Keller statement like: Hellen Keller was fucking blind AND deaf, and that bitch still PUT HER CART IN THE CART STATION.

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