How To Reform The Public’s Opinion On Your God Awful Fantasy Team
NFL week 1 is in the books, and your fantasy team is already falling apart. By no means did this hit you by surprise; The team looks like it was drafted by a deaf/blind Matt Millen, and it doesn't appear that your deep sleeper pick - Aaron Hernandez - is going to be able to save the season. Even the ESPN fantasy app projected you to finish dead last following the draft, and to their credit, they fucking nailed it.
Headed into the season, you had a clear game plan to explain the inevitable losing: Blame it on the absurd amount of COVID cases plaguing your team. Unfortunately, you forgot that this was the NFL. Do you really believe that of the 1700 guys in the league, not a single one tested positive for COVID?
Not today, Washington Post
The NFL can't make it a single week without a domestic abuse charge, let alone dodge a pandemic plaguing the nation. To them, COVID is about as real as CTE. For all the NFL knows, both are nothing more than deep state conspiracies created by the NBA to take over as the number one sport.
Number 1 sport? Have you heard of futbol?
Yeah - guy from Oregon dressed as though he belongs in a Wes Anderson movie - I have heard of it. In fact, we liked the name so much that we took it, gave it to a completely unrelated sport, and announced it as America’s number one because this is ‘Merica and we take what we want. Now go on and scurry back to your physical incarnation of Twitter - the autonomous zone.
So what’s there left to do? Sure, you could make some moves, change the lineup, and offer some trades, but that would require you to put in serious time for something called fantasy football. Fuck that. You have better things to do like figure out which clever political hashtag you’re going to try to get to trend tomorrow.
Instead, take the smart approach: The social justice route.
Hey Bigleys, you think we should boycott the season by not watching?
No, it's far too late for that. The poor whites have already taken boycotting sports leagues. Besides, boycotting the NFL would be turning your back on all the things that they're doing for social justice initiatives. Initiative's like the massive investment they made to purchase 32 label makers for each team manager so they can print quarter-inch stickers for the back of each helmet:
Let's not also forget that this a ten-person league, which means you get to use the buzzword "platform." Anything more than one can be a platform and lucky for you, there are nine other people. It's time to make a statement that will make your racist friends reconsider their beliefs, but mainly their belief of allowing you back in the league next year.
So here’s five things you can do to camouflage your God awful draft strategy and mirage it as a social justice statements:
1…Pick Up Kaepernick
Sure, he hasn’t played in 4 years, but he still has an 81 overall rating in Madden; That has to mean something. Not to mention he’s one of the most notable faces for the current movement that’s taking place. It doesn’t really matter if you believe in what he says. Look at Nike. They still sell his jersey that’s stitched together by 10-year-olds in sweatshops.
2…Start Sitting All Your Players In a Show Of Unity/Protest
If you choose this option, it's vital that you take action early. Wait until you're 0-4, and the league won't take it seriously. Start at 0-1 and you might be lucky enough to get kicked out and refunded — Break-even by playing the morality card.
3…Why This Year is About More Than A Losing Team - A Thread
Twitter threads - Is there anything more informative? As you can tell by my last article, Would Twitter Threads Have Stopped Hitler?, I can’t get enough of these things. What better way to voice your opinion on complex issues than with the use of 280 characters or less? Put something clever together and send it to the boys.
4…Recommend That Last Place Volunteers In A Needy Community
As we all know, a last-place fantasy finish always results in a SUPER funny and original punishment. Even though forcing the last place player to sit on the side of the road for 15 minutes, holding a "Honk because I placed last place in my fantasy league," would have been Dave Chappelle level comedy, it's time to take a fresh approach this year.
Text the fantasy group text and offer up the idea that the last place team owner has to volunteer in a needy community. Be warned, though; it's imperative that you don't come in last. Not a chance you want to spend a full day around a bunch of poors. If you can manage to come in second to last, you'll be able to take credit for the idea without ever having to execute it yourself.
5…Defund The Team
When it comes time to pay up, state that you’ve decided to defund your team for morally superior reasons. Point out how all the members participating in the league are only white. Where’s the diversity? I don’t give a fuck if Carl won the league fair and square. He’s profiting off of black players whilst giving nothing back to the community. Sounds about white.
For those of you who read this and took it as a rally call...
...I'm going to ask you to calm down