FUCK! Why can’t I just enjoy the internet for 10 Goddamn minutes? That's all I ask for… When my favorite college athlete is drafted he immediately will be ousted for his 11-year-old racist tweets. The homeless man who’s GoFund me I donated an excessive amount of money to ended up having a fetish for peeing on baby squirrels. The guy in my favorite meme ended up being a serial killer. I just want to go a full 24 hours enjoying the internet. It’s like everyday someone gives me a twenty dollar bill, only to invite his friends over to shame me about Andrew Jackson until I give it back to him. I’m Bill Murray living inside of a real-life Groundhogs Day. Obviously, I’m way too young to have ever seen that movie, but I get the premise and I stand by that statement.
Anyhow, the internet murdered another great story this week. The anonymous man, who was kind enough the spend $540 on the rest of the Girl Scout cookies so that the two young girls could get out of the cold, has been arrested on federal drug charges. Frank Lucas got caught by going against his morals and wearing a flashy fur jacket while sitting ringside at a highly publicized boxing match. Granted, he also shot a man in the face in the middle of the day in the open streets of New York, but that was before social media. Had that happened today he probably would have put that shit on his Instagram story, but this is for another day. Meanwhile, our boy Detric “Fat” McGowan, did everything right to avoid the feds for the first 46 years of his life and what brings him down? Buying some girl scout cookies…
So if this is how the internet is going to treat everything that’s ever been good in Bigleys life, then Bigleys is going to do some digging himself to ruin your day as well. My first reaction to this story was that these two red-headed scouts are soulless and their mother's a snitch. God knows I wanted to run with that narrative, but Bigleys is experienced. Mr. Bigleys knew there was more behind this story. The Girl Scouts wanted the media to run with that. So Bigleys did some digging, and what he found was information that only a reporter with big, giant gorilla balls, would be willing to say to the public. But before I speak of this monstrosity, I would like to start by saying that Bigleys would never off himself. If the report comes out that he did, it was undoubtedly a hit called my the Girl Scouts of America. Please look into any suspicious death of Mr Bigleys.
I’m going to start this out with a compliment by saying those two soulless girl scouts deserve both the skill building badges 'Celebrating Community' and 'Money Manager'. Even though celebrating their community got a man tossed into jail for life, it was a good attempt. But now to get to the nitty-gritty.
Fuck that compliment I just gave them. I just hear its something you should do before you rip someone apart. If that unselfish man goes to prison, then I expect those two girls and their mother to serve the time they deserve in a money laundering case. You expect me to believe that a grown mother and her two daughters thought it was normal for a man to pull $540 in cash out of his wallet to buy all the cookies? BULLSHIT. They knew exactly what they were doing. In fact, they were a part of the money laundering scheme. Unfortunately for Mr. McGowan, the Girl Scouts were two steps ahead of the kingpin.
These Girl Scouts are taught money managing tips at every level of their learning. Every Girl Scout knows that you must be willing to do whatever it takes in order to keep the business afloat. They learn that shit as a Daisy rank when they get their Money Counts badge. These girls aren't young, small, and dumb. They’re hustlers. They look 6-12 months ahead when everyone else is looking towards tomorrow. They knew that they had to protect their corner and their profits. No time to go bankrupt like the pussy ass boy scouts. It's not like they tripped into that spot they were in. They knew exactly where Mr. McGowan would be and exactly what he would do. The plan was simple: be small, soulless, cold, and take advantage of the money laundering scheme they already had in place with Mr. McGowan. The one thing that they knew was that McGowan wasn't selling the sticky icky green that allowed Girl Scouts in Cali to sell 300 boxes in under 6 hours… No, this man sold cocaine, heroin, and fentanyl. These drugs decrease appetite. And with a decrease in appetite comes less profit. Like Jay Z says, “Money and power don’t change you, they further expose your true self.” We’re talking about the same group who recently sued the Boy Scouts for taking out the “boy” out of their name to attract girl members. The Girl Scouts weren’t having any of that shit. Taking their customers means that you’re waging war on their bottom line. And as all Girl Scouts who earn their Business Owner badge know, fuck with the bottom line and get yourself murked.
So what’s next? Well, I assume the Girl Scouts CEO, Sylvia Acevedo, will soon call a hit on Bigleys. But I’m willing to come out and take that risk. When I created this site I vowed that FaHoo would always, no matter the consequence, come out with the big dick energy. So I call for the Justice System to take a good hard look in the mirror and ask themselves if they are truly willing to throw an internet hero in jail for the rest of his life while ignoring the blatant money laundering as part of a mass conspiracy of getting this money that the Girl Scouts of America have committed. I’m tired of the bullshit that includes taking down my internet heroes every hour. FaHoo nation, with the support of Yahoo, has called a full-fledged internet war against the Girl Scouts of America beginning March 1st, 2019.
**A special thanks to our sponsor: The Scouts of America (formerly known as Boy Scouts). We would like to thank them for the popcorn that they sent us. They would be happy to know that we have disposed of that poison straight into the trash. Keep up the good work!**
