• Mr Bigleys

FaHoo's 2019 NCAA Basketball Average White Guy All-American's

Updated: Dec 7, 2019




FaHoo has always taken pride in standing up for the underdogs. That's exactly why we've decided to release our 1st annual 2019 NCAA Basketball Average White Guy All-American Team.


Scan to the end of a bench at a D-1 collegiate basketball game, and you'll find a group of 4-6 white guys. You may have mistaken them for season ticket holders who spent way too much in the school store for exact warmup replicas. The reality: These guys are the walk-ons.


Now I know what you're thinking, "Are you sure their parents didn't photoshop their faces onto images of actual athletes as a part of that college admission's scandal?" Honestly, I can't answer that truthfully. What I do know, though, is that white guys all across America live through these dudes. When we look at them, we can pretend like we're not that far off of being a D-1 caliber player. No matter how much these kids dominated high school ball, we can still act as though we could beat them in a game of pickup. Enough of me wasting your time, lets get right to it...The 2019 Average White Guy All-American Team:




PG - 6' - Michael Savarino - Freshman - Duke


Notice the lack of any sort of fade. 3-Clipper all the way around. Love it.

2019 Stats: N/A


Choosing our starting, backup point guard was the most challenging decision I had to make during this process. Take a look at the end of most college benches, and you'll find a sea of small white guys. They could easily be mistaken for the Kappa Sigma doorman at the annual jersey party. Despite this massive pool of talent, I think you'll see why I chose this diaper dandy.


Accolades:

-Safe to assume he'll 4 point college


Strengths:

-COACH K'S GRANDSON

-Has no stats

-Goes to Duke

-Has a combover that says, "I wear it because it's convenient, not because it's in style."


Weaknesses:

-For being Coach K's grandson, he showed a little more swagger than we would have hoped:



Career Highlight Via Duke's Player Profile:

-"His career averages included 91 percent from the free-throw line."

-Nothing is whiter than shooting 91% from the free-throw line in high school


Player Comparison:

Ryan Caldbeck / Duke 98-01 / 33 games, 0.2 PPG, 0.1 APG




SG - 6'1" - Justin Lindner - Redshirt Junior - Florida State


Still has a close relationship with his ex's parents


2019 Stats: 3 GP, 3 MPG, 1.3 PPG, 1 RPG


FSU is loaded with white guys at the end of the bench this year. They even have a name for their scouting team: The Green Vipers. There's no denying Justin's is a stud. He's got everything you want in a walk-on. Initially, I planned on having a strict 2-minute per game rule, but when I came across Justin, I knew I had to make an exception. I think you'll see why.








Accolades:

-Graduated high school with a 4.2 GPA

-2X Dean's List / 3X ACC Academic Honor Roll

-1X Unsung Hero Award (Essentially player of the year for white guys at the end of the bench)

-2019 NABC Academics Honor Court

*The NABC Honors Court recognizes the talents and gifts that these men possess OFF the court and the hard work they exhibit in the classroom


Strengths:

-Enjoys juggling and singing in spare time (direct from FSU bio)

-Majoring in Applied Mathematics

-Twitter bio pic is him celebrating on the bench:


Not even pretending that he plays. Gotta love that














Weaknesses:

-Needs to tighten up his combover. It appears as though he pushes it over.

-3 MPG: More minutes than I'd like to see

-Good looking dude; Worried he may be getting too much pussy


Career Highlight Via FSU's Player Profile

-"scored his career-high of 4 points to go along with 2 rebounds in Florida State's victory over Chicago State"


Player Comparison:

Matt Chlebek / FSU '97-'00 / 1.2 PPG, .6 APG




SF - Will Miles - 6'6" - Junior - Florida State


Once apologized for only having 20's on him while being mugged

2019 Stats: 3 GP, 2.7 MPG, 0.7 PPG, 0.3 APG


Arguably the most controversial pick on this list, Will comes in as the second Green Vipers player to make this year's team. What will cause the most up-stir is whether or not his hair is truly a combover. What can I say, though? I have a liberal definition of what a combover can be. Despite what you think about the hair, there's no denying that Will is a purebred average white guy.


Accolades:

-3X Deans List & ACC Academic Honor Roll

-2019 NABC Academics Honor Court

-2X Unsung Hero Award Winner


Strengths:

-3rd generation average white guy on FSU:

-His father, Bobby, averaged 2.2 PPG in 3 years, his uncle, Blake, played 10 career games, and his grandfather, ROBERT HERSHEL MILES, was a walk on at FSU during the 1956- 1957 season.

-The Manning's, the Ripken's, the Curry's, the Miles; all synonymous

-Doesn't have a Twitter


Weaknesses:

-Played 4 minutes against Chicago State

-Played three games in a row this season


Career Highlight Via FSU's Player Profile

-"scored 2 points on a perfect 1-of-1 shooting from the field and pulled down 1 rebound in Florida State's victory over Saint Francis"


Player Comparison:

Robert Hershel Miles / FSU '56-'57 / Before Stats (BS)




PF - 6'9" - Thomas Collier - Senior - Auburn


Regularly gets stuck holding the door for 15 people at a time

2019 Stats: 1 GP, 2 MPG, 1 BPG, 0 PPG


Not for a second did I think I would fall into a Thomas Collier Google black hole, but one thing led to the next, and now I'm a born-again Christian.


Accolades:

-National Honors Society

-2019 NABC Academics Honor Court

-2 Time Tennis State Champ (Only thing better would have been hockey)





Weakness

-Lack of work experience





Strengths

-No Twitter

-Has a LinkedIn

-2 total points in 3 years at Auburn

-No videos show up with him playing, not even hudl

-Jesus is his boy: (Direct Quote from the Christian Broadcasting Nework) Auburn Forward Thomas Collier said, "My sole purpose on the earth is to glorify God. And having faith in Christ, like you want to work as hard as you possibly can for the Lord. You know, that doesn't mean God will bless you with a win. Do our part play 100 percent and God will have a perfect plan for you."

-Has an all-time gif:





Career Highlight Via Auburn's Player Profile

-"Averaged 0.1 rebounds in 1.4 minutes per game off the bench"


Player Comparison:

Dalton from Accounting / Texas '94-'98 / 68 Words Per Minute Typed




C - 6'11" - Walker Miller - UNC


Arguably the nicest looking person on Earth

2019 Stats: 6 GP, 1.2 MPG, 0 PPG,

0.5 RPG


Before I go on this rant, I want it on the record that it's all out of love. Nothing makes me happier than a 7-footer who sees as much time as a 5'10" walk-on. Chances are, Walker despises the game of basketball. This poor guy just happened to be 6'5" as a 3rd grader.


"Well, if he can just grow into his body..." has been said an infinite amount of times during his basketball career. That day will never come. God got impatient and sent this one before he could add the athleticism, foot speed, strength, muscle mass, balance, or eye-hand coordination.


He gets the same disappointed look after every blown layup that I received from my parents every day I made it home safely from the bus stop. For all of those reasons, Walker Miller is the captain of this year's Average White Guy All-American team.


Accolades:

-Smart enough to go to Dartmouth

-Honor Roll Student


Strengths:

-Brother, Wes Walker, is 5'11" and won a Nat'l Championship in 2005

-No Twitter

-Went to high school in New Hampshire

-Made me feel bad talking about him just by his picture


Weaknesses

-3-star recruit

-Undecided Major

-Tall


Career Highlight Via NC's Player Profile

-"Scored a career-high four points against Virginia Tech"


Player Comparison:

Shawn Bradley after he lost his powers in Space Jam


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