• Mr Bigleys

Everything You Need To Know About AOC’s Croissant-Gate

Updated: Aug 2, 2019

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is TRIGGERED and she’s taking to Twitter to let us know. On Monday AOC had no choice but to turn her trigger fingers into Twitter fingers to express her outrage when she came across an airport croissant. Was it because she hates the French and she believed that it should be called American Bread? No. Is that what she should be mad about? Arguably. So what was it? What caused AOC to totally freak the fuck out was when she saw that French ass bread had a price tag of $7! Personally, I would have seen the croissant, looked at the price, saw $7, thought to myself “That seems awfully expensive,” and then chose not to purchase the croissant. But this is why Bigley’s is merely the owner of Fahoo News and AOC is a government elected official.


New paragraph. She saw this as an opportunity to use this overpriced bread to tweet about minimum wage. The tweet goes, “Croissants at LaGuardia are going for SEVEN DOLLARS A PIECE. Yet some people think getting a whole hour of personal, dedicated human labor for $15 is too expensive?” But triggers trigger triggers as we all know and Texas's's's's own, Senator Ted Cruz, took this as an opportunity to clap back at AOC. Unfortunately, I cannot get a hold of the tweet because every time I attempt reading it I can’t help but be triggered by his fat face. Chances are it was super clever and funny as most politician tweets are.


So what was AOC to do? That’s right, clap back like a big ‘ol stripper booty. She tweeted back saying, “GOP taking every tweet so earnestly, making my point for me. It’s not an argument against the price of a croissant — it’s about the value of human worth. But I guess that idea is foreign to them since their policies treat people as disposable anyway.” Now, I realize this article is getting dangerously close to a Yahoo article, where we just fill it with enough tweets so that it’ll actually look like we wrote something. But, this is Fahoo News. Yahoo isn't blood, they're just our step daddy. We do things differently. Bigleys will now break these tweets down so the people can better understand them.


Now, I want to do this in the best way possible so that it doesn't seem like I'm leaning towards one side of the aisle but, AOC makes sure to tweet Croissant-Gate in a broad, crispy, buttery, flaky context. As we all know, like life, croissants are not so black and white. There are shades of yellow, golden, and some brown at the bottom depending on how long you cook them.


First off, everybody knows poor people don’t fly; They drive. There’s a reason why the Wright brothers risked their lives inventing the airplane -- It’s so they didn’t have to share the same airspace as the peasants. The other week, when I flew, I had a window seat. Next to me was a young, impressionable child. It was his first plane ride. “What an exciting time this must be for this child,” I thought to myself. "Am I supposed to use quotation marks when describing my thoughts," I just thought to myself. I asked his mother if she would mind me switching seats with the young fellow. She was hesitant at first but allowed it. When we got up in the air I had him look out the window and pointed at the small moving cars below. I said, “Take this all in, son. Those people down there are some poor ass bitches. It takes them 2 days to get to Florida,” I shut the window and looked him dead in the eyes, “You don’t know what kind of fucked up thoughts go through your head on a 12-hour drive to Florida. You've never experienced the kind of sick shit your brain is capable of until you lock yourself in a car with other people for that long,” I point at his sister, "Do you love your sister?" "Yes," he replies. "Then try taking a...." and that's about when the stewards escorted me to a new seat. I think I still made my point though.


Anyhow, point number 2: everybody knows airport food is expensive as fuck for middle-class people...Obviously, not rich people like Bigleys. What’s a $12 double cheeseburger at McDonald’s to me? Money ain’t shit to a pimp. That being said, Bigleys, too, was once a middle-class citizen. I speak for all middle classers when I say everyone knows you chug your water bottle before going through security. I don’t care if it’s a full bottle of cyanide. I’ll be damned if I have to buy a $5 water bottle from the airport mini-mart. Plus, if you’re a smart traveler you pack yourself a little snack in your carry on, preferably peanuts. That way there’s a chance that the person next to you is deathly allergic to nuts, forcing them to sit in the bathroom the entire flight. This, in turn, leaves you with more elbow room. That’s my travel blog thanks for reading. Next week I’ll be writing about how I flew to Italy and stayed for a month with just $17.


Point number 3… AOC, referring to the $15 minimum wage, says in her tweet, “It’s not an argument against the price of a croissant — it’s about the value of human worth.” So what is a human worth? There are definitely arguments to be made but, when it comes down to it…I’ll never know the answer to that shit lmao. Do you really think Bigleys risks walking into a Walmart and breathing the same air as poor people? I’m not trying to catch poor people diseases. It’s the same reason I don’t get flu shots; I don’t trust medicine and vaccines that you can pay for out of pocket. What’s the value of a human life? Did they just put ham on my sandwich when I specifically asked for turkey? Well….




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